So on Monday, I decided I needed to talk out what I was feeling with my mother. Andrew and I were both so miserable and had talked so much. He was throwing up from stress. I didn't want to upset him even more that day so I decided to call my mom while he was finally getting some sleep.
She couldn't handle talking to me and told me not to dwell.
If my mother, who I needed desperatley at that moment didn't want to help me, who would?!?!
So I began to bottle it.
I read online about a Grief journal but sort of dismissed it.
I went through alot of anger at the world.
Why, when I wanted my baby so badly, did I lose it?
Why was the world going on outside my door, when in me, I was empty.
I felt angry that we were mourning alone-Everyone should be mourning my child.
I felt angry that I could be shown something so incredibly beautiful only to have it taken away.
After my anger phase I thought I was accepting what happened.
I tried to just accept it without figuring out the reason it happened.
Then I realized my first day back to work, I was NOT okay. I was not ready to face the world.
I was pissed at all the people going on with their lives, so I decided to try the journal thing.
I have moments when I am angry, I have moreso, moments when I am sad. I will start crying in the car, crying in the store, crying on a walk or alone in my house. There is nothing to trigger it- I just cry.
She couldn't handle talking to me and told me not to dwell.
If my mother, who I needed desperatley at that moment didn't want to help me, who would?!?!
So I began to bottle it.
I read online about a Grief journal but sort of dismissed it.
I went through alot of anger at the world.
Why, when I wanted my baby so badly, did I lose it?
Why was the world going on outside my door, when in me, I was empty.
I felt angry that we were mourning alone-Everyone should be mourning my child.
I felt angry that I could be shown something so incredibly beautiful only to have it taken away.
After my anger phase I thought I was accepting what happened.
I tried to just accept it without figuring out the reason it happened.
Then I realized my first day back to work, I was NOT okay. I was not ready to face the world.
I was pissed at all the people going on with their lives, so I decided to try the journal thing.
I have moments when I am angry, I have moreso, moments when I am sad. I will start crying in the car, crying in the store, crying on a walk or alone in my house. There is nothing to trigger it- I just cry.