(Can you get accused on blog whoring? I figure better here than on the boards...I'll get to that.)
After an hour of half of sleep I woke up at 5am feeling like the whole time I had been sleeping that I was fighting SO hard to sleep. I know I was actually in REM stage sleep because I had a dream that there was this girl that didn't get that my bf and I were together and wouldn't leave him alone and I was so worried that he would cheat on me and likely eventually get rid of me.
I woke up with my breathing and pulse through the roof. I tried to lay back down but there was no way that I was sleeping like that. I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me. But I still had myself pretty worked up. I took a couple kpins but hell I don't know if they will do ANY good. I've been eating them like skittles because I have no other drugs around and they don't do much for me anyway. God, everywhere I turn its something.
I'm thinking I SHOULD take a break from BL. It just seems to be hurting me more than its helping right now. I believe that a few really do seek to cause me pain. I'm not lying. There is one bitch (I'm not allowed to name names in my blog, which is stupid but I'll follow.) who just can't let shit go. She has to bring up past "wrongs" in her eyes and constantly get under my skin about them. I don't know what makes her think that she is SO god damn wonderful. Personally I think she is quit a post whore herself but no one calls her on it, Nooo.. I'm sorry that you feel so god damn shitty about yourself although you pretend you have a perfect life, News Flash, if you did you wouldn't be here, that you feel that you have to constantly go after me. Even when I didn't provoke it or say anything, perhaps I was just asking a simple god damn question. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT. And you know what will happen. I'll be the one that gets banned. Its just fucking bullshit that some people get called on their shit and their targeting of others and others don't.
Perhaps everyone has seen her naked enough that it doesn't matter. You know what. This is my journal, so I don't care how big and bad you think you fucking are. How beautiful and wonderful you think you are, its not self-confidence its arrogance. FUCK YOU!
god I've just had it with a few BLers.
But without BL pathetically I have nothing. No outlet, nothing. I try just not to respond to it. Some have said that I go to the threads and read it so I'm responsible for getting hurt. Well fuck, isn't it pretty normal to want to know what people are saying when they are talking about you?
I have grown in leaps and bounds in my behavior here and when times are shitty I try SO SO SO hard just to keep it here. Why can some people bitch and moan all they want and they don't catch shit but I do? I wish someone could just look at the evidence and see it from my side of the god damn screen...
I'm so lonely, so tired. I feel so worthless, so unwanted, so useless. None of these feelings are new to me at all. They have followed me all of my pathetic little life. Its a wonder I've made it this long.
(Had enough of the bullshit. Ignore list, now she can't hurt me anymore...)
After an hour of half of sleep I woke up at 5am feeling like the whole time I had been sleeping that I was fighting SO hard to sleep. I know I was actually in REM stage sleep because I had a dream that there was this girl that didn't get that my bf and I were together and wouldn't leave him alone and I was so worried that he would cheat on me and likely eventually get rid of me.
I woke up with my breathing and pulse through the roof. I tried to lay back down but there was no way that I was sleeping like that. I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me. But I still had myself pretty worked up. I took a couple kpins but hell I don't know if they will do ANY good. I've been eating them like skittles because I have no other drugs around and they don't do much for me anyway. God, everywhere I turn its something.
I'm thinking I SHOULD take a break from BL. It just seems to be hurting me more than its helping right now. I believe that a few really do seek to cause me pain. I'm not lying. There is one bitch (I'm not allowed to name names in my blog, which is stupid but I'll follow.) who just can't let shit go. She has to bring up past "wrongs" in her eyes and constantly get under my skin about them. I don't know what makes her think that she is SO god damn wonderful. Personally I think she is quit a post whore herself but no one calls her on it, Nooo.. I'm sorry that you feel so god damn shitty about yourself although you pretend you have a perfect life, News Flash, if you did you wouldn't be here, that you feel that you have to constantly go after me. Even when I didn't provoke it or say anything, perhaps I was just asking a simple god damn question. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT. And you know what will happen. I'll be the one that gets banned. Its just fucking bullshit that some people get called on their shit and their targeting of others and others don't.
Perhaps everyone has seen her naked enough that it doesn't matter. You know what. This is my journal, so I don't care how big and bad you think you fucking are. How beautiful and wonderful you think you are, its not self-confidence its arrogance. FUCK YOU!
god I've just had it with a few BLers.
But without BL pathetically I have nothing. No outlet, nothing. I try just not to respond to it. Some have said that I go to the threads and read it so I'm responsible for getting hurt. Well fuck, isn't it pretty normal to want to know what people are saying when they are talking about you?
I have grown in leaps and bounds in my behavior here and when times are shitty I try SO SO SO hard just to keep it here. Why can some people bitch and moan all they want and they don't catch shit but I do? I wish someone could just look at the evidence and see it from my side of the god damn screen...
I'm so lonely, so tired. I feel so worthless, so unwanted, so useless. None of these feelings are new to me at all. They have followed me all of my pathetic little life. Its a wonder I've made it this long.
(Had enough of the bullshit. Ignore list, now she can't hurt me anymore...)
I feel somewhat empowered about it actually. Not allowing someone to hurt me anymore, a lesson perhaps would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had learned it sooner. Hopefully I will someday have the strength to apply it IRL.