Here it is almost midnight. I have been searching for my sweet spot. To me my sweet spot is where I am numb enough to not care to not feel yet still be able to semi-function.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about my evening.
It's almost 4th of July and I am scared. The fire crackers sound like gun shots. And that sound takes me back to the night when I watched someone I cared about, someone I had known for over twenty years put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. That sound haunts me every day. It is as vivid to me as the day it happened. The blood the smell.the sound. So vivid.
I decide to confront the 4th of July issue a bit. To push my boundaries to push my limits.
I go and sit on the balcony of my apartments and listen to the firecrackers and the whistling kitty chasers and what not. The air smells to me of gunpowder. I can still smell it to.this day.
So I sit and I listen and the ones that are closest make me jump. I invite the fear and the memories in. I do my best to slow my breathing and let them come and pass through me and then gently leave taking with them Some of the pain and the fear.
It works for a few minutes but them my mind starts to stray. It strays back to my fondest memory ( posted in another section of "my.blog" )
Please allow me to backtrack bit. Starting at two this afternoon I started taking 400 mg of gabapentin, 1 dose every hour till 9 pm. If my calculations are right that's 7 doses of 400 mg.for a total of 2800 mg. I am in no shape right now to do calculations as you will see due to my pursuit of that fn sweet spot. For me 2800 mg is a high dose as I'm only prescribed 400 mg one time a day. And I have only been "over using" the gabapentin for a couple of months now.
So back to my story. I am craving so much my long lost friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I feel I need him tonight. I want him to hold me tight and make me feel safe. The urge swells from a gentle nudging to an all out urgent pushing. Pushing me towards the cupboard were my only bottle of liquor is. I take the bottle down (a bottle of coconut rum) the memory calls to me. The memory of the old days years ago where I had perfected that sweet spot of being beautifully numb, painfully numb. I look at the bottle and say to myself " fuck this shit" and I swallow several times and I feel the burn and I remember. My teddy bear is almost within reach. For me when I chug liquor it gives me the shivers as if I had chewed up aspirin. I wait ten minutes and swallow several more times and now I can feel my teddy bears arms around me holding me. Telling me everything is gonna be alright. Again the pattern repeats I take several more swallows just to make sure that I will be ok till the morning. And I know all too well that when I wake reality will come rushing back.
So now here I sit in a world of shit. The bottle of rum is empty. The bottle of gabapentin is now empty. Hell my pack of cigarettes is empty. And my life is empty and everything is ok now thanks to my old friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I found my sweet spot again. And I love it and I hate it. I hate it so much because it is not natural it is not real. And I love it so much because right now I don't give a fuck. I constantly crAve a life without fear a life without anxiety a life where I feel safe and accepted and loved. And I so desperately want to get that from a natural way without the influence of drugs and alcohol.
So here I am beautifully numb and painfully numb and I love it and I hate it.
I hope this makes some sort of sense because honestly right now I'm buzzing like a mother fucker. And I apologize but I curse really bad when I've been drinking. And I really really want a cigarette right now.
P.s. --- I wrote this whole thing on my phone with one eye closed so that I could see the letters. And again I hope it makes some sort of sense. It will be interesting to read it on the morning
So after a bit me and my liquor teddy bear will cuddle up in bed together and hopefully he will gently softly rock me to sleep.
"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear"
To be continued.......
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about my evening.
It's almost 4th of July and I am scared. The fire crackers sound like gun shots. And that sound takes me back to the night when I watched someone I cared about, someone I had known for over twenty years put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. That sound haunts me every day. It is as vivid to me as the day it happened. The blood the smell.the sound. So vivid.
I decide to confront the 4th of July issue a bit. To push my boundaries to push my limits.
I go and sit on the balcony of my apartments and listen to the firecrackers and the whistling kitty chasers and what not. The air smells to me of gunpowder. I can still smell it to.this day.
So I sit and I listen and the ones that are closest make me jump. I invite the fear and the memories in. I do my best to slow my breathing and let them come and pass through me and then gently leave taking with them Some of the pain and the fear.
It works for a few minutes but them my mind starts to stray. It strays back to my fondest memory ( posted in another section of "my.blog" )
Please allow me to backtrack bit. Starting at two this afternoon I started taking 400 mg of gabapentin, 1 dose every hour till 9 pm. If my calculations are right that's 7 doses of 400 mg.for a total of 2800 mg. I am in no shape right now to do calculations as you will see due to my pursuit of that fn sweet spot. For me 2800 mg is a high dose as I'm only prescribed 400 mg one time a day. And I have only been "over using" the gabapentin for a couple of months now.
So back to my story. I am craving so much my long lost friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I feel I need him tonight. I want him to hold me tight and make me feel safe. The urge swells from a gentle nudging to an all out urgent pushing. Pushing me towards the cupboard were my only bottle of liquor is. I take the bottle down (a bottle of coconut rum) the memory calls to me. The memory of the old days years ago where I had perfected that sweet spot of being beautifully numb, painfully numb. I look at the bottle and say to myself " fuck this shit" and I swallow several times and I feel the burn and I remember. My teddy bear is almost within reach. For me when I chug liquor it gives me the shivers as if I had chewed up aspirin. I wait ten minutes and swallow several more times and now I can feel my teddy bears arms around me holding me. Telling me everything is gonna be alright. Again the pattern repeats I take several more swallows just to make sure that I will be ok till the morning. And I know all too well that when I wake reality will come rushing back.
So now here I sit in a world of shit. The bottle of rum is empty. The bottle of gabapentin is now empty. Hell my pack of cigarettes is empty. And my life is empty and everything is ok now thanks to my old friend. That liquor created teddy bear. I found my sweet spot again. And I love it and I hate it. I hate it so much because it is not natural it is not real. And I love it so much because right now I don't give a fuck. I constantly crAve a life without fear a life without anxiety a life where I feel safe and accepted and loved. And I so desperately want to get that from a natural way without the influence of drugs and alcohol.
So here I am beautifully numb and painfully numb and I love it and I hate it.
I hope this makes some sort of sense because honestly right now I'm buzzing like a mother fucker. And I apologize but I curse really bad when I've been drinking. And I really really want a cigarette right now.
P.s. --- I wrote this whole thing on my phone with one eye closed so that I could see the letters. And again I hope it makes some sort of sense. It will be interesting to read it on the morning
So after a bit me and my liquor teddy bear will cuddle up in bed together and hopefully he will gently softly rock me to sleep.
"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear"
To be continued.......