Pain

I've gotten my use down at last so that when i get high i don't get the withdrawal when i don't use for a day. So now i can use recreationally. I managed to get my hands on a couple of instant release oxy and found the high soooo much better than DHC. It just felt cleaner with less side effects.

The bad thing is, is that my mind is in a pretty fucked up state, it always has been but opiates make me dangerous. Because when i'm not using a small, self-destructive part of me just wants to start shooting up and escape reality in the fucked upness of needles and drugs. I've never shot a thing in my life but a part of me wants to. I think a part of me wants to die with a needle in my arm, it would be easy and i would be so fucked out of my face that i wouldn't feel a thing. Because of this feeling i know there is no way i will stop using opiates in some way or the feeling would overcome me and i might do something bad. It's in my mind everyday.

I asked for help once because i couldn't make my head shut up. My doctor sent me to a therapist who would only see me for 8 weeks behavioural therapy, i knew after that first visit it wouldn't work. You don't fix 23 years in 8 weeks, it just would NEVER happen. I didn't go back.

So here i am, i wonder if i will end up that way...

 

Obviously i aint about to tell u what to do, coz in my experience we do what we r gonna do anyway. I will say this though, think long n hard about injecting. I have lost many friends to this n contrary to what most of us think, being found dead with a needle in your arm is one of the least likely ways youre gonna die. IV'ing seems to take people out slowly. Its the blood bourne viruses n deep vein thrombosis n gangrene that have killed most IV'ers Ive met. The ones who die from a single hit are usually the 1st timers or people who have had a break from using n go back to it n their tollerance has dropped low. Ive had battles with the needle myself in the past and although im still opiate dependent I have managed to stay away from IV'ing recently. It just opens up a whole new can of worms n in my experience is best left well alone. Good Luck