Pain

Who am I really?
I feel like there are two of me. A person who wants to be good and do good. an artist, intelligent person.
And then there is the drug addict, cheater,lair, manipulator.
Behind an innocent face that drags people towards me hides so much pain.
I fight inside all the time and sometimes the bad wins and sometimes the good wins.
It's so hard. People think it's a choice and often I feel like it's not. That I just do things w/o thinking, on an impulse.
Medications just kill my creativity and leave me in a zombie state.
I feel so many emotions all the time and have the need to put myself in danger to feel things.
I wish I was like other people, just going by their day, working. Not like me, trying to destroy myself. I feel like there is not much time left for me, that I have no more energy living the life that I do.

 

I can relate, man. For me I think that I've used drugs for so long that the lifestyle 'junkie me' is more familiar to me than real life and the real me

Even without the drugs its kinda shitty but its no longer painful. Shoot me a PM if you want. I can truly relate

 

I have felt like this before.
I had to stop using so I could feel good about myself.

 

I stopped using but my dark days are so painful
it's even so hard to explain
it just hurts and my eyes are full of tears
which just come on their own
there is nothing that can take away this darkness
I feel like a vegetable, just living there
eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping
My bipolar depression is just the worst thing
it makes me want to end it all
I feel like I can't take it anymore
I want it to pass
but at the same time there is some release in my pain
can't explain, but its like something in me wants to explode
its just so dark and lonely
no one understands why I get so down
it feels bad and good at the same time
as the tears release my pain
I know it will pass...its just depression
I fleeting moment in my entire life
but it seems to last forever
I just try to hold on to the good that is in me

 

I feel bad for people when there out in the cold it makes me sad when people r out there and they have no family i feel so bad for them it makes me cry cause yesterday i watched looking throught the bluelight i think and i feel really bad;(