Oxymorphone withdrawal help!!

[Electrocali]

Hello,

I don't really know how to begin so I will just start with some context as to where I'm coming from..

I'm a 26 year old male that had been using opiates for about 8-9 years with probably a cumulative 12-16 months of sobriety scattered throughout (no longer than 4 months continuously). The first thing I tried was an original OC 80 insufflated. I had no prior opiate experience and although I had basically overdosed and was literally scratching my skin off for 12 hours, there was something about the mindset it put me in that I immediately fell in love with. I became addicted to the idea that I was a better friend, worker, and human being while on opiates. They give/gave me unlimited confidence, energy, and my anxiety for everything fell away into nonexistence. The reason I have expounded on my thought process in relation to opiates is because this is why I relapse time and time again. As I get reintegrated back into "normal" life, I feel inadequate. I feel like I should be better. I feel like I lost my identity, my shield, my armor, and my sword. I apologize if I'm being a bit over the top. But I am hoping someone can connect.

Now, as to where I am today...

I am currently on day 15 of cold turkey withdrawals from oxymorphone/Opana. My addiction and tolerance progressed to the point of being absolutely unsustainable and I've lost everything. And I mean everything. I switched from oxycodone to opana about 3 1/2 years ago because the 30s were too expensive and I knew I got more from opana per dollar. Originally, I was only doing 40 mg a day. I was making good money and was doing very well for myself as a young professional. So, I started buying two a day. And I sustained at 60-80 mg a day there for a good 16 months. I was broke from spending 120$/day, but I sure had a lot of energy and was exceeding expectations in a new sales position. I then hit my first whale sale. I made 12,000$ in one commission. Thank God, I've got some breathing room.. right? Wrong. I spent it all in a bit over a week between drugs, gambling, and living in the moment. I had to stop. I told my family my biggest secret. They probably already knew in the back of their mind, but they always believe the best in me no matter what is right in front of them. And I was doing "well" as a 23 year old. Anyways, went to rehab for 2 months and stayed clean for another and some change. I then decided I should move back home to the south since where I relocated to in the DMV area was obviously bad for me. Wrong. I'm bad for me. Pills are bad for me.

Wherever you go, there you are..

The second day I was home my childhood best friend got a call that he took sketchily. He then asked me knowing full well my position, "Do you mind if I go grab some hydros?" Nope! Hydros! Psssshhh. Man, that's not even a relapse I thought to myself. I'll grab a handful as well. Off to the races. I found an oxycodone plug in a matter of days for the time being, and searched out a new Panda Man. I found the opana plug in about 2 months, and he had my all too familiar G74 40 mg Opana on deck everyday. He never ran out. For 2 years...

My addiction reached new heights. I mean lows. I won't be super specific about these past 2 years as this first post is already way too long, but for the last six months I was doing an average of 4-6 40 mg opana a day. I woke up and snorted 120$. I had a 400-500$/day habit. And the worst part was that would only get me to normal. I had to spend extra on weed and other substances plus extra opana to actually get high. If I'm being honest, it was the best two years of my life. Once again, I won't go into specifics, but I had a lot of money at my disposal, freedom to do whatever I wanted, and I wasn't even working. If I could sustain that two years without consequences for the rest of my life I would sign that dotted line. But, I know that's not possible. I've tried every single possible way. I'm a drug addict. I once again lost it all. Blew through 200,000$ in less than 2 years. Lost my girl, most of my friends, my pets, my home, and my hope. I did things towards the end out of pure desperation that I never thought I was capable of. I stole thousands from my family and did other things that I told myself I would never do. I'm disgusted with myself and I am imprisoned in this addiction.

I don't fucking want this anymore.

I'm going to wrap this up now. I'm 15 days into cold turkey withdrawal from a 200+ mg/day opana habit. It has been absolute hell. *List symptoms*, but the worst is the RL mother fuckin S. I have been taking Imodium. But imodium doesn't help me get sleep, in fact I believe the more that I took the worse my RLS became. I started with 20 loperamide and now I am only taking 4 every couple of days for my psyche to be honest. I still feel like absolute shit and haven't slept more than 2 hours continuously. The first week I slept a total of 5 hours. It's getting better but it sure is creeeeeeping along. I'm so depressed and bored that I don't want to quit typing this because I have nothing to do next. I'm ultra depressed and my only rule right now is to not use drugs. I can't see the light and I just need some suggestions as to how I can speed up my recovery. Resources as to how I can deal with the PAWS. And probably most of all some encouragement. Almost everyday I'm berated by my loved ones as to how much of a piece of shit I am for what I've done. And I'm starting to really believe it. I'm expected to be positive and to "take control of my life". I'm told I'm selfish and making excuses when I try to explain my addiction. Nobody understands. I've read these boards for my entire opiatic journey and never once posted because I never felt a need to. But I need some help. I'm really sorry for the long post. I just am trying to convey my mindset the best I can. It's bleek. I know.

Thank you all for unknowingly helping me with so many questions throughout the years and thank you for taking time to read this. I'll be here.

I appreciate any response.

 

[DogLover123757]

Hey man, you are not alone and you are in the right place. I am at an age where I should have a family, career etc. but I don't because I have put myself through as being an addict. I wish I had all the answers man but I keep fucking up one thing after another. I don't know if you want to stay off all substances now but some Gabapentin might really help you out. I took some during my last withdrawal and was blown away by how much it helped out, more than I thought. Be careful with Lope, that shit can fuck up your insides with a quickness. So what all do you have going on? It sounds like you had a good job so do you have that to go back to? There are a lot of people here that can help you out so just keep in touch and I wish you well man.

 

[Electrocali]

Right now I don't have any options. I put myself in a terrible position. My family doesn't know what to do either. I'm literally back at my pops house with absolutely no freedom after being on my own for years. The reason I have no options is that my Dad has a felony over my head if I decided to do anything other than exactly what he and the rest of my family want. So, it's either be charged with the felony and potentially get max penalty of 5 years or just wait until my family gets a bright idea. I'm pretty sure the idea is going to be a long term "rehab" like Teen Challenge.

 

[DogLover123757]

I understand that, when I fuck up my parents are who I turn to as well. They have long been sick of what I turned out to be regardless of any positive progress I have made. So I don't have many options either. I don't know why I have always wanted my mind to be chemically altered, so many times I would be clean for years and at the drop I am back on the train to nowhere. Almost feels like a curse although I have no one to blame but myself for my own decisions. So I am still pretty much stuck so hopefully some people who have made it through opiate withdrawals successfully will chime in and help you with some advice. Hang in there man. There are millions like us for better or worse.

 

[NorthernGirl]

You are 15 days clean- that's a long time, especially cold turkey! I know how extremely difficult it is from personal experience and my story is very similar to yours. I cant write too much right now as I have work to get to, but I just wanted to say that youre NOT alone and that you should try to just get thru one day at a time. I will write again soon tho. Keep your chin up.

 

[T. Calderone]

It sounds like you are ready for a change but forced sobriety is rarely successful from what I've seen. I agree with Doglover, gabapentin is a good medication to help you get some sleep and so is clonidine. Now that your acute withdrawals are pretty much over, your challenge is not picking up again. What you can do is make an appointment to see a doctor who specializes in addiction. Together with therapy, you can work on getting to the root of why you started using in the first place. I'm going to move this to The Dark Side. Don't give up - it can be done!

 

[Electrocali]

I never thought that I used for any particular reason throughout my addiction. But there has to be an underlying issue. I know that for me it is so much easier to love other people rather than myself. When I see other people using and spiraling out of control I try to help them and tell them that they need to watch it. I hate to see others self destruct. But, I do not have that same outlook towards myself. I don't see what I have been doing as destructive to myself. Maybe because I don't see it as destruction at all. There's nothing left to destroy I suppose. Thank ya'll for the replies. I actually got about 4-5 hours sleep last night out of pure exhaustion. Hoping that I can get to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Little victories.

 

[herbavore]

I never thought that I used for any particular reason throughout my addiction. But there has to be an underlying issue. I know that for me it is so much easier to love other people rather than myself. When I see other people using and spiraling out of control I try to help them and tell them that they need to watch it. I hate to see others self destruct. But, I do not have that same outlook towards myself. I don't see what I have been doing as destructive to myself. Maybe because I don't see it as destruction at all. There's nothing left to destroy I suppose. Thank ya'll for the replies. I actually got about 4-5 hours sleep last night out of pure exhaustion. Hoping that I can get to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Little victories.

I think you hit the nail (at least one nail) on the head in your first post when you said, "I became addicted to the idea that I was a better friend, worker, and human being while on opiates." I loved that you had the insight to say "the idea". It is really hard to work on your feelings of self worth when you are at an all time low but in reality, what better time? Drug addiction is stigmatized so much more than many other equally unhealthy manifestations of low self esteem but try to address the addiction (physical as well as psychological) separately from the addressing of your deepest sources of self-destruction. yes, they are inextricable at this point but long before you ever found a drug, way back in childhood, wounds were being covered up and it is that place that needs attention. It takes a lot of courage to tackle addiction but it takes a whole new level to try to heal yourself to the point that can handle taking responsibility without using shame to fuel a relapse. Understanding the fine line between taking responsibility and feeding self-loathing takes a lot of practice so be gentle along the way. Your family may want to educate themselves about addiction as well.

 

[P0kemama]

Thank you for sharing your story, Electrocali. I am starting day 4 clean off all opiates and am day 5 or 6 off of oxymorphone (generic opana). I started my withdrawal process with a taper reducing my daily dose by 75% and was in excruciating pain due to stomach cramping and muscle spasms in my chest wall for almost 9 days. I could not stabilize on the reduces dose, so jumped off and went c.t. It is now almost 3 weeks and I am still sick. I did have a good day yesterday, but as night descends, the withdrawals increase in intensity.
It is so encouraging to see you got some sleep! That is awesome!! I do not care how bad the pain is, I do not think of using, as that is just pure torture.
I hope you continue to heal and stay on your journey of recovery and healing.