Well that's all she wrote folks.. the fat lady has sang. Before I go into how I'm (attempting) to leave behind a 3 year Oxy/Xanax/Adrenaline addiction, let me begin with my story. And yes, I know everyone has their stories.. I promise mine won't have you on the seat of your pants, but it may ring true with a lot of you who used to use.
You see, I've hidden my addiction from pretty much everybody. I live in a lavish $2,000/mo condo in NYC, got to the gym 4-5/wk, work a $150k/yr job.. you get the idea. I'm not bragging.. just letting you know what kind of user I am. I'm a user who likes to pop his drugs and go out on the town. Have fun. A social user. I don't like sitting by myself. A
How it Started - It was the summer of 2010.. my senior year in college. I was in a fraternity and was on top of the world. I was dating one of the hottest chicks in school, my GPA was high enough (3.1 to be exact) to land a great job, and I was so popular with everyone in college that when I walked into a bar or a club, it was hard to get to the bar itself without saying hey to at least 10 - 20 people. Yeah, I was cool.
Unbeknownst to me, I was probably an alcoholic back then. I drank 5-6 times a week, usually consisting of about 10 drinks a day. But again, this was OK, because everyone was doing it. Then everyone started doing the little blue pills. The 30mg roxies we called them.. you know how the story goes.. half of one would ROCK you out of your seat. And for me, it was the biggest adrenaline rush. I'd literally have no fear and go to the bar and pickup any chick I wanted.
In order to move the story along, ultimately I was doing 2/day (60mg/day) and had a bonified 6 months addiction to oxies. and selling them because it was 'cool'. That's when I got arrested.
Getting Clean - At this point (After using for 6-7 months), getting arrested was the best thing that could have happened to me. First of all, I was at risk of throwing away 5 years of undergrad (that's right I went to school 5 years, I'm special), since our school's drug policy was extremely tight. After manipulating the legal system, borrowing money from many friends, I paid my lawyer about $4,000 to get my charge totally dropped. But it wasn't the legal troubles that screwed me up.. it was the psychological effects that followed. Suddenly, I was no longer 'invincible' or 'cool' in my eyes. Shortly after this, my girlfriend moved and stopped speaking with me. Of course many of my close friends, kept close, but I was no longer a 'leader' since now they just saw me as a drug addict who got caught.
After getting some advice, I took my talents to Charlotte, NC, to live with my parents. For a few reasons 1) I couldn't score down here 2) Being around my parents makes me want to make GOOD decisions 3) the weather down here is BEAUTIFUL, which I think is vital to someone recovering from any addiction.
Fast-forward 7 months - May 2012.. I got a good job with a bank, I'm making steady $$, but only one thing is wrong. My social life SUCKS. And I don't know if it's because I had no friends down here and I was living with my parents, or if it was the PAWs from the oxy addiction that had me an anxious wreck around other people and girls. My guess is it's a combination of both.
Not sure what to do with myself, I made a BOLD move and applied for some big-time sales jobs in NYC. I got the first one I interviewed for.
Dirty, the Second Time - October 2013 - Now that I was in NYC with a big time job, I felt as if I needed to branch out and meet people. I was semi-successful in doing this, bedding 4-5 women in my first few months and making some friends. However my life still felt lacking. And that's why on the night of Oct 11th 2013, when my friend Ari offered me a Perc 10, I was ripe for it. I gladly took the Perc 10 and asked if I could buy a few more. By the end of the night, I had popped 5 and before I knew it I was sleeping in some chick's bed in the Lower East Side.
From that point on, my addiction just picked up from where it left off. And that sad thing is.. my social life was never better. I was clicking with people.. my real emotions were coming out again fueled by this little drug.
Fast-forward to present.. I still have a great job. I still have many friends. I have many women I can call anytime I want. But I have a 120/mg per day (sometime more) oxy addiction. What makes matters worse, is that I'm taking about 1.75mg of xanax on top of it to get a better 'killer instinct' when I go out and meet women.
Now I know all of this is non-sense.. killer instinct, and getting women because of the blues. But the truth is.. they made me normal again.
Getting Clean Pt. 2
It's really a wonder to me why I'm getting clean right now. I mean quite honestly, I could financially support my 120/mg oxy and xanax addiction no problem for the foreseeable future. My dealer is convenient (right around the block), and my sex life has never been better. The ONLY thing stopping me is my personal dignity. When my dealer is out of town, and I can't go out with friends, because I'm going through WDs, that doesn't float with me. Being addicted to anything is not who I think of myself as a person. So that is the sole reason I am quitting (well, I'm going to save a shitload of $$ as well).
Where I am as of TODAY
So I've quit and relapsed my fair share of times. Usually I quit for 4 days or so, start to feel normal, then go back because I think it's no big deal. The only problem is, when I quit the Oxies, I keep taking the Xanax to help with stress so I can maintain my 9-6 job.
I'm 72 hours in to quitting 120mg Oxycodone/day - To be quite honest, the WDs aren't too bad. I can take the physical stuff. I lowered my Xanax dose to 1mg/day. Starting next week, I'll be lowering it to .5mg/day, ONLY to be taken at night for sleep. After next week, I'm going totally clean from any drug.
What am I doing to substitute for this addiction? I'm becoming addicted to my health. I'm starting a new diet, juicing, listening to health podcasts, hitting the gym, changing my routine.. you get the idea. I'm in good shape, but I need something to occupy my time besides work.
So what's been the point of this? Well first, the floor is open to advice. Second of all, I have some questions.
1) What is your main motivation for quitting when you're financially able to afford the drugs, they make you feel great, and they're easily accessible without the risk of getting arrested?
2) PAWs.. was what I was experiencing in Charlotte PAWs? Or simply just being in an unfamiliar place.. and why is it that this anxiety hits you so LATE.. like 3 months after?
3) Xanax.. jumping off at .5mg/day. What should I expect? I know for certain I won't be able to sleep much. Any advice is much appreciated.
Thanks
WC
You see, I've hidden my addiction from pretty much everybody. I live in a lavish $2,000/mo condo in NYC, got to the gym 4-5/wk, work a $150k/yr job.. you get the idea. I'm not bragging.. just letting you know what kind of user I am. I'm a user who likes to pop his drugs and go out on the town. Have fun. A social user. I don't like sitting by myself. A
How it Started - It was the summer of 2010.. my senior year in college. I was in a fraternity and was on top of the world. I was dating one of the hottest chicks in school, my GPA was high enough (3.1 to be exact) to land a great job, and I was so popular with everyone in college that when I walked into a bar or a club, it was hard to get to the bar itself without saying hey to at least 10 - 20 people. Yeah, I was cool.
Unbeknownst to me, I was probably an alcoholic back then. I drank 5-6 times a week, usually consisting of about 10 drinks a day. But again, this was OK, because everyone was doing it. Then everyone started doing the little blue pills. The 30mg roxies we called them.. you know how the story goes.. half of one would ROCK you out of your seat. And for me, it was the biggest adrenaline rush. I'd literally have no fear and go to the bar and pickup any chick I wanted.
In order to move the story along, ultimately I was doing 2/day (60mg/day) and had a bonified 6 months addiction to oxies. and selling them because it was 'cool'. That's when I got arrested.
Getting Clean - At this point (After using for 6-7 months), getting arrested was the best thing that could have happened to me. First of all, I was at risk of throwing away 5 years of undergrad (that's right I went to school 5 years, I'm special), since our school's drug policy was extremely tight. After manipulating the legal system, borrowing money from many friends, I paid my lawyer about $4,000 to get my charge totally dropped. But it wasn't the legal troubles that screwed me up.. it was the psychological effects that followed. Suddenly, I was no longer 'invincible' or 'cool' in my eyes. Shortly after this, my girlfriend moved and stopped speaking with me. Of course many of my close friends, kept close, but I was no longer a 'leader' since now they just saw me as a drug addict who got caught.
After getting some advice, I took my talents to Charlotte, NC, to live with my parents. For a few reasons 1) I couldn't score down here 2) Being around my parents makes me want to make GOOD decisions 3) the weather down here is BEAUTIFUL, which I think is vital to someone recovering from any addiction.
Fast-forward 7 months - May 2012.. I got a good job with a bank, I'm making steady $$, but only one thing is wrong. My social life SUCKS. And I don't know if it's because I had no friends down here and I was living with my parents, or if it was the PAWs from the oxy addiction that had me an anxious wreck around other people and girls. My guess is it's a combination of both.
Not sure what to do with myself, I made a BOLD move and applied for some big-time sales jobs in NYC. I got the first one I interviewed for.
Dirty, the Second Time - October 2013 - Now that I was in NYC with a big time job, I felt as if I needed to branch out and meet people. I was semi-successful in doing this, bedding 4-5 women in my first few months and making some friends. However my life still felt lacking. And that's why on the night of Oct 11th 2013, when my friend Ari offered me a Perc 10, I was ripe for it. I gladly took the Perc 10 and asked if I could buy a few more. By the end of the night, I had popped 5 and before I knew it I was sleeping in some chick's bed in the Lower East Side.
From that point on, my addiction just picked up from where it left off. And that sad thing is.. my social life was never better. I was clicking with people.. my real emotions were coming out again fueled by this little drug.
Fast-forward to present.. I still have a great job. I still have many friends. I have many women I can call anytime I want. But I have a 120/mg per day (sometime more) oxy addiction. What makes matters worse, is that I'm taking about 1.75mg of xanax on top of it to get a better 'killer instinct' when I go out and meet women.
Now I know all of this is non-sense.. killer instinct, and getting women because of the blues. But the truth is.. they made me normal again.
Getting Clean Pt. 2
It's really a wonder to me why I'm getting clean right now. I mean quite honestly, I could financially support my 120/mg oxy and xanax addiction no problem for the foreseeable future. My dealer is convenient (right around the block), and my sex life has never been better. The ONLY thing stopping me is my personal dignity. When my dealer is out of town, and I can't go out with friends, because I'm going through WDs, that doesn't float with me. Being addicted to anything is not who I think of myself as a person. So that is the sole reason I am quitting (well, I'm going to save a shitload of $$ as well).
Where I am as of TODAY
So I've quit and relapsed my fair share of times. Usually I quit for 4 days or so, start to feel normal, then go back because I think it's no big deal. The only problem is, when I quit the Oxies, I keep taking the Xanax to help with stress so I can maintain my 9-6 job.
I'm 72 hours in to quitting 120mg Oxycodone/day - To be quite honest, the WDs aren't too bad. I can take the physical stuff. I lowered my Xanax dose to 1mg/day. Starting next week, I'll be lowering it to .5mg/day, ONLY to be taken at night for sleep. After next week, I'm going totally clean from any drug.
What am I doing to substitute for this addiction? I'm becoming addicted to my health. I'm starting a new diet, juicing, listening to health podcasts, hitting the gym, changing my routine.. you get the idea. I'm in good shape, but I need something to occupy my time besides work.
So what's been the point of this? Well first, the floor is open to advice. Second of all, I have some questions.
1) What is your main motivation for quitting when you're financially able to afford the drugs, they make you feel great, and they're easily accessible without the risk of getting arrested?
2) PAWs.. was what I was experiencing in Charlotte PAWs? Or simply just being in an unfamiliar place.. and why is it that this anxiety hits you so LATE.. like 3 months after?
3) Xanax.. jumping off at .5mg/day. What should I expect? I know for certain I won't be able to sleep much. Any advice is much appreciated.
Thanks
WC
