Oxy hell...One month clean, 2 month relapse

[Myers711]

My name is Ashley, I'm new here. I've never posted in any forums but I feel like everybody here could really help me. Even if it's just knowing someone hears my story, and I'm not alone. Nobody in my life knows about my relapse. My boyfriend knew about my 2 year addiction to opiates, and supported me through my detox. I made it one month clean, and then I started using again, thinking I could control it. Before I knew it it's been 2 months and I've been using 100 to 150 mg of oxy per day again.
- I detoxed October 2015 from 180 mg a day Oxy usage.
- Stayed clean for 1 month but relapsed after the horrible depression and feeling like I would never feel normal enough to hold a job again.
- I was fired from my bartending and bar management position before I relapsed because I lashed out and beat up 2 girls at my work after my shift one night, my agitation from the withdrawl and PAWS made me feel insanely mad constantly, and it led to me getting into the fight, and losing my job.
- Because of the job loss I fell into an even worse depression and became suicidal, so I turned to the pills once again... Now I feel hopeless, and can't take time off of my new job waitressing.

Please tell me your stories of how you beat this monster after a relapse, I have nobody to talk to. And fear my withdrawls will be worse than before. I don't know how I will ever get away from this. I'm scared and alone, and feel like a complete failure.

 

[kapheen']

You seem to have the right frame of mind, wanting to actually get clean. You're admitting that you have a problem, definitely a step in the right direction. I know how absolutely hard it can be. You have to REALLY want to get sober. You made it a month (HUGE accomplishment BTW), you were so close to starting to feel "normal" again. Maybe see if you can get a few days off to get passed the worst part of the initial withdrawals? If not then maybe wait until the weekend or whenever you're going to have a couple days off. It's much easier to kick at home than it is in the work environment. If you find that you can't do it, don't beat yourself up, but give it all you've got. I myself am on suboxone and have been for about 2.5 years now. I maintain at a low dose, 2mgs a day. I'm just not ready yet. I kicked an 8 year methadone habit, cold turkey, in prison, in solitary confinement. I was taking 220mgs a day (every couple days while in prison, I was only in for a month or so before I got popped smuggling in drugs). It took me about about 4-5 months before the more severe withdrawals passed, and a total of damn near 1 year before I started sleeping through the night and eating properly. I would never recommend methadone to anyone. It's just not worth it. It was literal hell coming off that stuff. I was a wreck and I couldn't see a doctor or get any kind of medical treatment. I'm actually 9 days clean from my first REAL relapse since I've come home from prison in May of 2013. I got back into shooting dope a few months ago, I lost my job and my GF in that short time. I've had enough, it's not worth it. I had a realization and I don't know how or why, but it really stuck this time. I'm doing it for the right reasons this time around... for myself and for my loved ones. I've put them through hell and they don't deserve my being a selfish, manipulative fuckass.

You seem to know what you want. Have you considered suboxone if you can't manage on your own yet? I'm sure you know this now, but it's COMPLETELY impossible to control an addiction like that. You'll never be able to use "just once", so forget about that. Take a look within yourself, dig deep and try to realize what your reasons are for getting sober. I use daily positive affirmations to help my subconscious stay reminded of what I want. I have them written down and I repeat them to myself, out loud, on a daily basis (Just 2 or 3 times). I swear by using these affirmations to help you succeed with numerous things. I've used them with success every time. As long as you don't break the cycle they begin to work within a couple weeks (They work faster for some people. For me it's generally about 2 weeks). I say to myself "I 'your full name here' will NOT use any drugs". Maybe do a little research and look more into the affirmations if you're interested. They're very basic, you just have to stick to it.

I know it's hard and I know it's hard not to look at yourself in the ways that you are right now, especially after relapsing. It's all part of what comes with being an opiate addict. As I said earlier, try not to beat yourself up too much. You're human, you make mistakes just like the rest of us. You obviously have people in your life that care for you. Do you have anyone that you can confide in face to face? It sometimes helps if you can let everything out to someone. Have you considered an outpatient group or counselor setting to help you? They do have a rather high success rate. I don't know where you're from but there's usually multiple places in any given area. I'm in upstate NY and there are about 5 or 6 different programs all within 15 miles of my home. There are hotlines that you can call to actually speak with someone if you're feeling particularly low. You have options, Ashley. Don't give up and don't give in.

Best wishes.

 

[Cdkman]

U are not a failure,u are not alone..I've been addicted to oxy for 3 years.of course it started like everyone else,once a week,twice a week..by the time I knew I had a problem I was goin thru withdrawals and the monkey jumped on my back.i used 60-150mg a night with the occasional sub or lyrica on days I don't have any.

when I get high now I'm filled with guilt, I can't enjoy it but I need it to keep the morbid thoughts and depression away..life just doesn't seem like it's worth living when i don't have pills..at some point even with the pills I feel like life is just BS..the world is filled with vanity and greed,and the system is fucked..

il admit it,life scares the shit outta me.responsibility,love,children.it all seems like too much..so I sit and waste away my potential in an oxy haze..I can work and do normal things but my attitude towards life has just taken a serious nose dive..I'm 28 but I feel like I'm 70..

i have been on subs for the past 3 days and I really wanna give it a shot this time..the past 2 months I've been closer to death than I've ever been..a few times I was nervous I took to much..it's sad that in my head I'm tossing a coin on whether il wake up or not.

have u tried subs, kratom or gabapentin/lyrica? There's no reason to just cold turkey..make yourself as comfortable as possible..it's the psychological dependence u have to work on..why do u want to numb your feelings and emotions?.i know the feeling of being overwhelmed and any disruption causes serious agitation.

if u wanna stop u have to dig deep and truly love and forgive yourself..u have to make the environment around u something u are proud of..there's no finish line in this race..you are running in quick sand and the more u hate yourself the more fuel the addiction has..good luck Ashley,sending love your way

 

[gabby1210]

the 20 Imodium(loperamide) twice daily then reduce to 19, 18... worked for me. there are plenty of posts about it here.

 

[Myers711]

Thank you all so much. Every word all of you are saying is exactly what runs through my head every day. I can't fight the depression, the vicious cycle I've put myself in. It's beating me down every day. If I use then I feel so angry, so let down by myself. If I don't use I feel worthless and life isn't worth living. It makes me so relieved to have people out there to support me, and tell me their stories so I know I'm not going crazy. Thank you all so much. I'm literally at work before my shift reading all your responses and crying because I can feel the support and the love here. Thank you all so very much. I honestly have to say you have made today easier, one day at a time. Thank you. I'll keep posting when I decide to make the jump.

 

[w0w0mg]

Hey Ashley, I know all the feelings you're going thru.Opiate addiction is so hard to over come and the depression really does get to you.You did really good on having a month clean before your relapse. I know you have the strength to stay clean.You just need the tools to help you get thru it. I would suggest trying to find a support group like NA or even just 1 on 1 sessions with an addiction therapist.PAWS is one of the hardest things to get over - but it does pass.I am NOT a doctor but have you considered trying an anti-depressant for a couple of months?That will really help you get your mind back in place and may even prevent you from a future relapse.I am currently detoxing off opiates and benzos and my plan of action after getting over the withdrawals is seeing a doctor about medicines that may help with my PAWS ie buspar for anxiety ; paxel/celexa for depression.You can get thru this - It's hard but there are so many people here that have been thru exactly what you have been thru.Stay strong my friend.You're not alone, and I know you do not know me, nor I know you, but I do love you.I love you because you are a good person and want help. So next time you're feeling down and out just remember that someone out there cares about you.I will keep checking up on you and I hope you stay active and keep us updated. Much love to you.

 

[Cdkman]

don't get too down on yourself if u use, it doesn't mean u are weak, u are just doing what u have conditioned your mind to want.. U did not become addicted overnight so it will take time to get completely off opiates..I'm happy to give any support I can or just a kind word of encouragement..a support group is exactly what u need to keep yourself grounded and out of your own head..have a good day Ashley, take care %)

 

[Myers711]

So I just posted another thread updating my journey with this... But long story long, Currently 27 hours clean after tapering to 10 mg a day. I kindof made myself subject of experiment and I think it may have paid off?!?!
I'm not in terrible condition but I'm wondering if my body isn't fully realizing I havent had anything in 27 hours, so I took a .25 mg of suboxen to ensure I don't get real shitty at work tonight. Do you think 4 days of using the subs twice a day will be a good idea?
PS-- Music is totally fucking AMAZING, I've been listening to music 12 hours straight! Minus the little bits of sleep I was able to get.
Every song almost brings me to tears! Lol! I'm so emotional it's great in a weird way!!!!

 

[Myers711]

I hope all of you are staying strong through this incredible battle! I cannot express how many times I've come on here and read your responses over and over, just to get me through a tough day... This website and the people on it are a god send. Thank you all so much.

 

[Cherrysoduh]

Hi Myers,

I am fighting the same fight as you and many others on here. My story is on the dark side under a thread named "opiate hell."

I made my first attempt at detox last week going ct. I wasn't able to make it past day 3 or 4. I am currently using about 20- 40mg OP every 24 to 36 hours to keep the wd symptoms away so I can function and go to work. I plan on going the sub route this week when I can get into the clinic. As I am not psychology strong enough to get through it ct.

Best of luck to you in your battle. I've only been posting here for like 2 weeks but everyone has been very nice and supportive. Ive been a long time reader of the site before posting. It's nice to know that you aren't the only one and that there are success stories out there.

Ohhhh and everything brings me to tears when it's been awhile since I last dosed and I feel the wd coming on. I was crying earlier over the movie Look Whose Talking. Haha. Hang it there!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm on day 5. I wish you the best
Benzos and weed if you have access helped me a lot
Make yourself eat and try to exercise. Everyone relapses but don't quit quitting
I find that using how sick I feel as a great mental tool to never want this sickness again
I'm sorry your alone and pm me any time you need to vent/or just talk
As bad as it feels now imagine if you don't stop and go through this again Twice for me was enough
Depression is normal sadly, talk to someone The folks here are awesome for that
Distract your mind as much as possible
Delete any numbers for dealers and change your number if need be
Just remember a few days of sickness is well worth a live not dependent on pills
Your attitude and posting here shoes me your sick of the cycle and do want away from drugs
See a doc if you get to sick though
As hard as it is try to eat. At least fruit and some kinda sports drink
Take a multivitamin and please remember it do get better
I'm thinking of and rooting for ya

 

[Jabberwocky]

I hope all of you are staying strong through this incredible battle! I cannot express how many times I've come on here and read your responses over and over, just to get me through a tough day... This website and the people on it are a god send. Thank you all so much.

These people helped me a lot more then they know. Awesome group for sure. Just knowing your not alone and people are pulling for ya is great
And I spent most of yesterday reading others expurence and it do help
You only have a couple more days then it's a bit better. I know nothing about subs so I'm no help there
Just keep strong ok. You got this And when your like me at day 5 use the sickness as a reason to not fall back in the trap

 

[Myers711]

Hi Myers,

I am fighting the same fight as you and many others on here. My story is on the dark side under a thread named "opiate hell."

I made my first attempt at detox last week going ct. I wasn't able to make it past day 3 or 4. I am currently using about 20- 40mg OP every 24 to 36 hours to keep the wd symptoms away so I can function and go to work. I plan on going the sub route this week when I can get into the clinic. As I am not psychology strong enough to get through it ct.

Best of luck to you in your battle. I've only been posting here for like 2 weeks but everyone has been very nice and supportive. Ive been a long time reader of the site before posting. It's nice to know that you aren't the only one and that there are success stories out there.

Ohhhh and everything brings me to tears when it's been awhile since I last dosed and I feel the wd coming on. I was crying earlier over the movie Look Whose Talking. Haha. Hang it there!

I'm not sure if I'm using this reply thingy right, but I wanted to say that I was doing that same thing using the 20-40 op a day for a while to stave off the awfulness, I experimented on myself and every day I had off work I would barricade myself in my room, and let myself go into full detox by taking nothing until right before I wanted to sleep then I'd take my 5 or 10 mg piece that I had cut off.

It seemed like each time I did it, it got easier! Like my body was "getting used to" the feeling of withdrawl almost. Well and I had been tapering so that could be it too lol. Or I'm comparing it to my last detox that had me writhing in pain and puking like the exorcist. When I did my detox last time I jumped off cold turkey at 40 mg a day and day 4 was my worst one by far. Then day 5 a bit easier, day 6 I was able to walk again and drove! But seriously I think it was such a shock to my system that my brain was beyond fucked, and I couldn't live with it. This taper seems too good to be true. PLEASE TRY IT! Use your days off to take the bare minimum just to be able to get a tiny bit of sleep, and that next day drop your dose by 5 mg. Your body will be so happy it has SOMETHING, so you end up feeling alright, and you can drop the dose by 5-10 mg each time! That's what I did!

And in one month 100 mg to nothing and I don't feel terrible. Actually I feel pretty damn good!

I'm going to go and read your post you wrote, let's get through this together! Stay strong my friend

 

[Myers711]

I'm on day 5. I wish you the best
Benzos and weed if you have access helped me a lot
Make yourself eat and try to exercise. Everyone relapses but don't quit quitting
I find that using how sick I feel as a great mental tool to never want this sickness again
I'm sorry your alone and pm me any time you need to vent/or just talk
As bad as it feels now imagine if you don't stop and go through this again Twice for me was enough
Depression is normal sadly, talk to someone The folks here are awesome for that
Distract your mind as much as possible
Delete any numbers for dealers and change your number if need be
Just remember a few days of sickness is well worth a live not dependent on pills
Your attitude and posting here shoes me your sick of the cycle and do want away from drugs
See a doc if you get to sick though
As hard as it is try to eat. At least fruit and some kinda sports drink
Take a multivitamin and please remember it do get better
I'm thinking of and rooting for ya

These people helped me a lot more then they know. Awesome group for sure. Just knowing your not alone and people are pulling for ya is great
And I spent most of yesterday reading others expurence and it do help
You only have a couple more days then it's a bit better. I know nothing about subs so I'm no help there
Just keep strong ok. You got this And when your like me at day 5 use the sickness as a reason to not fall back in the trap

It's so crazy that such an awful drug can actually turn into something positive, like bringing people together and supporting each other!!!

I've kept my addictions to all substances throughout my life very hidden from most people. But this time around, right when I started my taper, I let some of them know what I am going through. Why I might seem a little down lately or lethargic, or need my days off to be in bed resting. And surprisingly so many people are being amazing about it! If anyone was to say anything negative to me i would probably rip their head off right now lol, but I feel SO empowered to be so open about it. Even the people at my work know! It feels great that it's not a secret!!!! Hopefully through them seeing what an awful experience this is it will make them NEVER want to start taking these things!!!! But I definately think without this website and the people on it, I never would have even gotten the courage to be where I'm at now. Thank you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So happy to hear. I was the same isolated myself from people. Closet addict so to speak but I told a good friend and they made me feel better. And I agree this site has helped me so much
You have a great attitude. You got this?