Overwhelm and damaged

[KeyMiNDer]

Hi
A friend of mine came here once,i figured i could try me too.
Im in a melancolie that is killing me, im crying the lost of my familie in the hand of several fault of mine.Its not the firstime i decide to get sober in order the restructure my life. ~3years ago i did it because my son was about to be born...but wen i started ADHD meds the cycle wen on and i lost everything wen my baby mama and I broke up...i just couldnt handle such a lost even if it was me that insisted to consider living apart(i regret so badly).Time past and i buried my self in pharmaceutical and recreational drug ,endinup going in rehab for a serious dtox.
Lastime was easy,the good life was waiting for me to be clean and join the great futur, right now its total opposit...terribly dark and lonely.I remember why i buried my self in drugs beeing unable to cope with this terrible lost/failed feeling.
I was in a reinsertion housing but i had to leave before they kicked me out...so i endup renting a appartement wit a buddy whos nice but in a drug pattern...im scared so badly since i accumulated many failed.
I wish i had a chance to reunite famillie...feels like thats it! I fucked it up ill have to live wit this pain.
I went to psych ward because i mutilated myself the other day,they gave me an appointement for a clinical followup.
This inner pain in my chest is so draining and uncomfortable that i think im starting to understand why ppl commit suicide.
I just wanna find myself again...my son love me so much,i love him too but there is this barrier of me failing thats related to him.
Were trying to get back the caustedy of our son but its so overwhelming all this....
I use to question if i really whanted to be a father.....nomore doubts im done partying i just whant my familie back
Thnks for reading

Ps: my last relapse was; ghb(need to dose every 30minute for 2month) Clonazepam&Laurazepam(too much for 1year) Meth(4days a week for 1year)
Im 26years old and im scared that this time i pushed it to far and my emotional/rational capacity have been damage

 

[Sosick]

Hey KeyMINDer
I am so sorry that you have so much pain going on right now. Sounds like you have made a wise decision to get clean for yourself as well as your family. There is no greater bond than that of a child and parent, we only get one chance to be the best loving examples to them.
Find your strength in your love for your child. In time you will be yourself again and things in your life will fall into place.
Wishing you much success on your choice to get clean.

 

[Allein]

Hi KeyMINDer,

It sounds like the last few years haven't brought you a great deal of happiness, without making unfounded assumptions but basing things purly on my own experience you've sought solace through drugs.

I'm not going to pretend that some escape and solace can't be found in chemicals but IME, over time you realise that the drugs are making true, non synthetic happiness, purpose, satisfaction and meaning in life a distant and seemingly unobtainable dream.

It doesn't sound to me like the drugs aren't helping you and the time has come to move on and ditch them, I don't know your situation but I'm sure much of what seems to broken to mend will heal in time. There will be family and loved ones that you can forge new relationships with, youi can only go forwards .

I wish you all the very best

 

[herbavore]

You have two very important things on your side: youth and a sense of remorse. Do not give in to the temptation of hopelessness or fatalism. That is a trap that keeps you using more and more. Find support, find people that have overcome addictions and other hardships and believe in your own capacity to heal. We all have everything we need within us to heal. Compassion for yourself is the first step. I imagine you are carrying a lot of guilt for how your pain has affected your family. Guilt will sink you whereas remorse followed by faith and hope will carry you forward. Try to imagine yourself setting a compass on faith. Whenever you feel yourself succumbing to the view that you have permanently damaged everything, glance down at your compass and tell yourself that is just addiction talking. Your true self knows that you can do this with support and patience and determination.

 

[Maggie-lu]

Call your local Narcotics Anonymous helpline. talk to someone. you are not alone. There is help out there for you. I'm clean and sober 8 years. I have bad days but not as bad a s using days. I go to 12 step meetings Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous and a few others. I have loads of real friends there who I can call day or night if I'm struggling. Putting down the drugs and drink won't make you feel better for long. You will still be stuck with your guilt, shame and pain but nothing to shut it out. Meetings give you tools to help you change your life. I would be dead without them. I don't know if you have evr been to a meeting but it's not a cult. It's people like you and mean, recovering addicts wanting to have a better life clean and sober and happy. It's free too. I used for over 40 years. Didn't think I would ever be clean let alone happy. But I happy. Good happy not high happy. I go to sleep I wake up and I'm still happy. Some days suck but I don't use and I don't go into the black hole anymore. There is help if you want it.

 

[KeyMiNDer]

thnks for all of yours....i think im comming to a new awakening....balence shall be my only hope.....but a real balence...the one where where the cords arent beeing played backstage so i can truly feel the harmonic

 

[psyfiend]

Very sad. Try not to let one person ruin your day, it's not worth it.

 

[KeyMiNDer]

Actually i got better....in a surprising twist of fortunated event...it actually giv3s me faith in lif3 a lil more again .But effort are being made...its more in me that i lost confidence to do it