Brownz
Bluelighter
Hey guys, I must say it's probably been around the 5 year mark since I ever posted anything. I pretty much learned everything I know about chemicals from this forum and met some lovely folk in here (some of which I still see kicking around after 10 years!)
Anyways, I'll cut to the chase. I'm going to through a funny time in life, almost struggling with existence and what my supposed purpose is (bar making a living, career blah blah etc). I believe I am not alone in the sense of after years of having used drugs to a high extent, finding it hard to be stimulated or truly satisfied outside of things that involve drugs (festivals, parties, psychedelic transdimensional outings, 24 hour crystal meth wank sessions etc etc). Although I get kicks elsewhere (sex,food,DJing and producing), I never quite have the same desire, interest or passion as I would in things that involve altered states of perception.
I have unintentionally become a relentless hedonist. My current situation has steered me away from taking drugs however, as I haven't had anything for over 3 months. I do actually have access to MDMA, Cocaine and amphetamines but I have no interest in pursuing and even putting the effort in to obtaining them.
In a long story short, I find it hard to get as much pleasure from simple things as most "normal" people and I believe that it is due to what I believe to be overstimulation in my late teens to mid twenties.
From being psychologically infatuated with ketamine and sniffing over an ounce a week at one point in time, from a festival filled couple of years of LSD and MDMA, to the darker depths of intravenous 150mg doses of methamphetamine once a month for a good 6 months, I have taken my fair share of drugs. I still love K, I still think about meth and a lot of my desires and fantasies are drug related (imagining myself in a field dressed as a strawberry snorting K off a midgets forehead, for example).
I'm 28 now and am settling down, thinking about kids next year with my partner and have moved to Spain to further my career in engineering. But I still can't shake this absolute desire that is in the back of my head all the time and I wish I could, yet secretly at the same time fucking love it.
Is anybody in the same boat? I know recreational drug use is healthy for some of us but what I have found, especially from certain friendships is that it's gets to a point, be it unintentionally, where this pleasure seeking behaviour actually defines a part of you. I feel cognitive dissonance when I get too deep into it, I feel I should be growing up, yet at same time don't want to.
Please tell me I'm not alone.
PS Hope you're all well.
And I'm not dead (I read a post about deceased BL members and somehow was apparently dead)
Anyways, I'll cut to the chase. I'm going to through a funny time in life, almost struggling with existence and what my supposed purpose is (bar making a living, career blah blah etc). I believe I am not alone in the sense of after years of having used drugs to a high extent, finding it hard to be stimulated or truly satisfied outside of things that involve drugs (festivals, parties, psychedelic transdimensional outings, 24 hour crystal meth wank sessions etc etc). Although I get kicks elsewhere (sex,food,DJing and producing), I never quite have the same desire, interest or passion as I would in things that involve altered states of perception.
I have unintentionally become a relentless hedonist. My current situation has steered me away from taking drugs however, as I haven't had anything for over 3 months. I do actually have access to MDMA, Cocaine and amphetamines but I have no interest in pursuing and even putting the effort in to obtaining them.
In a long story short, I find it hard to get as much pleasure from simple things as most "normal" people and I believe that it is due to what I believe to be overstimulation in my late teens to mid twenties.
From being psychologically infatuated with ketamine and sniffing over an ounce a week at one point in time, from a festival filled couple of years of LSD and MDMA, to the darker depths of intravenous 150mg doses of methamphetamine once a month for a good 6 months, I have taken my fair share of drugs. I still love K, I still think about meth and a lot of my desires and fantasies are drug related (imagining myself in a field dressed as a strawberry snorting K off a midgets forehead, for example).
I'm 28 now and am settling down, thinking about kids next year with my partner and have moved to Spain to further my career in engineering. But I still can't shake this absolute desire that is in the back of my head all the time and I wish I could, yet secretly at the same time fucking love it.
Is anybody in the same boat? I know recreational drug use is healthy for some of us but what I have found, especially from certain friendships is that it's gets to a point, be it unintentionally, where this pleasure seeking behaviour actually defines a part of you. I feel cognitive dissonance when I get too deep into it, I feel I should be growing up, yet at same time don't want to.
Please tell me I'm not alone.
PS Hope you're all well.
And I'm not dead (I read a post about deceased BL members and somehow was apparently dead)