Overdosed FIVE times in the past few months

[SomethingWitty123]

It's safe to say I really do not give a shit anymore. I've overdosed a lot, mainly on a mixture of downers like opiates, benzos and alcohol but I've always been found after blacking out or woken up to find everything covered in vomit and that I've been unsuccessful once again. Sometimes I just want to block everything out and just get through a couple of days unconscious because everything is so unbearable, but then again not really caring if I woke up at all. I realise the dangers of doing this repeatedly; I could end up with organ failure or some shit at some point because I'm putting my body under so much stress but I just don't care. I did get very close the first time I overdosed as I had no history of drug use, and went incredibly overboard and had 14mg Xanax, 40mg oxycodone, 5ml GHB and lots of vodka and cider. Basically as much of everything I could ingest before I blacked out. Someone found me collapsed in the street in time though and I woke up in hospital. I was actually angry, why can't I just die? Do I have to take things to the next level? Do I have to jump in front of a train or some shit? God...there is nothing left for me in life, no one who loves or cares about me, I'm utterly full of hatred and rage anyway. I just want to fuck off now. I have had serious thoughts of jumping in front of a train, because obviously overdosing is too hit and miss. I don't live in a country where firearms are available but if I could I would just blow my brains out.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

The human body is quite resilient and drugs are far from a reliable way to commit suicide. I don't recommend suicide to anyone as that is a very personal choice but if you are so inclined I suggest you study the topic before you make an attempt. You can end up alive in much worse shape than you are now and no way out.

I'm very sorry you are suffering so, it's a terrible and undeserved fate that happens to many. I know how it feels to some degree as I'm frankly suicidal at times myself . You are not alone.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

My life became so black that I tried to hang myself. It was just empty black, black, black. Exacerbated by a subutex, valium and xanax addiction. I took myself to London, rented a hotel room. Stayed up all night preparing for what I knew I was going to do in the morning.

Morning came, I tied the rope to the wooden bar running across the ceiling. Tied the other end round my neck. Stepped off the chair.

Next, awoke on the floor, tinnitus louder than I've ever heard screaming in my ears. Had lost control of bodily functions. But the wooden bar had broken after I passed out, and I came too in a puddle on the floor.

Please. Do not do this again. Because my life is no longer all black. It's no picnic, but compared to then, I can't describe the positive difference. I lived so long thinking there was nothing to live for. But there was. You never know what's around the corner, it could be awesome. Get out there and talk to people, anyone, and help will come. Our time here is so fleeting, and we're a long time dead.

 

[Moreaux]

SomethingWitty123 - I can very much relate to what you are going through - it's horrible. From experience, I can say that that particular combination of substances is responsible for a large part of your unhappiness and inability to cope with the stress of life. Everything was already failing in my life so in response I drank harder and took insane amounts of Xanax, with opiates whenever they were available. I OD three times in one week, literally getting released from the hospital to come home and start the whole process over again. I was locking myself in the garage with booze and pills and letting the car idle. I was found each time, and totally decimated the interior of my car. I finally went to rehab.

I discovered after having a month away from the substances that they really were making my situation exponentially worse. I was by no means happy, but a few weeks of sobriety gave me the opportunity to look at the situations differently. Like you, I was full of rage and hate - literally everything and everyone. Those feelings dissapated and also became manageable while in rehab.

Benzos and booze create an insidious form of isolation that I have not experienced with other substances, and it turns into a self feeding vicious cycle. I found that opiates make me easily angered, and mixing them with booze makes me rage. I wonder if you are experiencing the same?

I think before you commit suicide you should do your best to take a break from those drugs. If you've been on them for a while, particularly benzos, do a taper before stopping. Give yourself time to heal before taking drastic measures. I know things are bad now, but you have nothing to lose by just giving it more time and try drying out to see what happens.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it's torture. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Please don't take drastic measures until you soberly consider everything in your life, and the other options you have available to change your situation. You may not feel like you have many options but I think your judgment is clouded right now and you may be pleasantly surprised by what can be done to change your situation. I wish you the best!