Lost Over the top extreme loneliness and resulting depression and suicidal ideation

[washingtonbound]

I just turned 29 a couple weeks ago, which was more depressing than uplifting, as I realized how I've gone through my twenties with basically no friends. It is painful and enormously difficult to keep bottled up. My life began going into the toilet after I was sent to a "troubled teen" wilderness camp and boarding school which took away my junior and half of my senior year of high school. The really fucked up thing about it is that I was finally starting to make friends and see some improvements in my mental health. I grew up in Boca Grande, FL, which is a very small island community with basically nothing going on. I began dealing with increased anxiety and depression at 14, was forced to see a lot of shitty therapists, and my relationship deteriorated with my parents when I began using alcohol and marijuana around this time. Over Christmas break in 2011, I started getting on the good side of some of the "cool kids" from a neighboring town as we bonded over our mutual enjoyment of marijuana and skimboarding. I remember feeling more clear in the head for the first time in years, then the next thing you know, the night before new years eve, two bastards show up in my bedroom at 6am and force me out of the house. They just said, "you're coming with us to Utah, this can be easy or it can be hard." I realize that even though this was twelve years ago, I'm still scarred from it. I returned home at the beginning of 2013 a completely different person. People would criticize me for being overly shy and reserved which was something I developed, not my natural personality. I ended up picking a college that was a horrible fit for me (Seattle University), started smoking wax and dropping acid every month, and my mind went even further into the gutter after having two major fallouts with girls I liked. Shortly after I returned home from Seattle for the summer, I experienced horrible drug induced psychosis. This incident isolated me entirely from any friends I would´ve made on the island, especially after having two back to back episodes during this time period.

My parents then forced me to attend another "therapeutic residential program" for 3 months during which two people tried committing suicide. Name of this cesspool was called Yellowbrick in Evanston, Illinois. Their method of "therapy," was having other patients roast each other for perceived maladaptive behavior. But I managed to get through this disgusting program and as a result my parents agreed to support me financially to attend university again. I tried studying abroad at the University of Brighton in the UK and within two months I had escalated into another horrible episode of drug induced psychosis from combing lsd, dmt, and ketamine.

A couple years later I tried attending university once again, which was another complete failure and this time my psychosis landed me in jail. Since then I've traveled extensively to countries in latin america where 1k can last me a month, have given up on getting any degree and just feel like a waste of a person. I run abroad because I have no life to speak of in the states. But over here I've also run into the dreaded drug induced psychosis from laced weed in Colombia, cocaine, and bad shroom trips. You think I'd eventually learn but it seems like I don't.

Anyway, point of my lame rant is basically that I lost my mind in the states, lost friends, failed in University and started traveling extensively to try and forget about my failures and find a life somewhere else. Here I deal with a language barrier, women who take advantage of me for money and I have a hard time trusting anybody. I cry often and sometimes contemplate suicide due to the loneliness. One therapist I had in the past suggested I might have Dissociative Identity Disorder which would explain my extreme instability but I honestly have no idea. I am just living this vagabond lifestyle now and honestly it's not making me any happier. The last friend I had, who I met in Colombia, I recently cut ties with because his opiate addiction was making him a completely different person. It would be nice to have a girlfriend, but why would anyone want to associate with my mentally ill ass. I'm just getting tired of all this.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

I just turned 29 a couple weeks ago, which was more depressing than uplifting, as I realized how I've gone through my twenties with basically no friends. It is painful and enormously difficult to keep bottled up. My life began going into the toilet after I was sent to a "troubled teen" wilderness camp and boarding school which took away my junior and half of my senior year of high school. The really fucked up thing about it is that I was finally starting to make friends and see some improvements in my mental health. I grew up in Boca Grande, FL, which is a very small island community with basically nothing going on. I began dealing with increased anxiety and depression at 14, was forced to see a lot of shitty therapists, and my relationship deteriorated with my parents when I began using alcohol and marijuana around this time. Over Christmas break in 2011, I started getting on the good side of some of the "cool kids" from a neighboring town as we bonded over our mutual enjoyment of marijuana and skimboarding. I remember feeling more clear in the head for the first time in years, then the next thing you know, the night before new years eve, two bastards show up in my bedroom at 6am and force me out of the house. They just said, "you're coming with us to Utah, this can be easy or it can be hard." I realize that even though this was twelve years ago, I'm still scarred from it. I returned home at the beginning of 2013 a completely different person. People would criticize me for being overly shy and reserved which was something I developed, not my natural personality. I ended up picking a college that was a horrible fit for me (Seattle University), started smoking wax and dropping acid every month, and my mind went even further into the gutter after having two major fallouts with girls I liked. Shortly after I returned home from Seattle for the summer, I experienced horrible drug induced psychosis. This incident isolated me entirely from any friends I would´ve made on the island, especially after having two back to back episodes during this time period.

My parents then forced me to attend another "therapeutic residential program" for 3 months during which two people tried committing suicide. Name of this cesspool was called Yellowbrick in Evanston, Illinois. Their method of "therapy," was having other patients roast each other for perceived maladaptive behavior. But I managed to get through this disgusting program and as a result my parents agreed to support me financially to attend university again. I tried studying abroad at the University of Brighton in the UK and within two months I had escalated into another horrible episode of drug induced psychosis from combing lsd, dmt, and ketamine.

A couple years later I tried attending university once again, which was another complete failure and this time my psychosis landed me in jail. Since then I've traveled extensively to countries in latin america where 1k can last me a month, have given up on getting any degree and just feel like a waste of a person. I run abroad because I have no life to speak of in the states. But over here I've also run into the dreaded drug induced psychosis from laced weed in Colombia, cocaine, and bad shroom trips. You think I'd eventually learn but it seems like I don't.

Anyway, point of my lame rant is basically that I lost my mind in the states, lost friends, failed in University and started traveling extensively to try and forget about my failures and find a life somewhere else. Here I deal with a language barrier, women who take advantage of me for money and I have a hard time trusting anybody. I cry often and sometimes contemplate suicide due to the loneliness. One therapist I had in the past suggested I might have Dissociative Identity Disorder which would explain my extreme instability but I honestly have no idea. I am just living this vagabond lifestyle now and honestly it's not making me any happier. The last friend I had, who I met in Colombia, I recently cut ties with because his opiate addiction was making him a completely different person. It would be nice to have a girlfriend, but why would anyone want to associate with my mentally ill ass. I'm just getting tired of all this.

I have a form of DID just recently diagnosed. It’s alot to wrap my head around at times but all I know is as long as you make the right choices eventually things get better.

The choices that are good for you will add up over time and things get better. Well that’s just what has happened for me anyway by making good choices now and not giving up.

I too of course get my mental health issues treated so that I can make good decisions. I have bipolar disorder, adhd, DID, and
If
Course CPTSD as everyone with DID also has CPTSD.

Just don’t give up man. Things will get better. You are still very young.

 

[Jnowhere]

I know I am going to sound like a nagging parent but, if you have issues, the drugs will only make it worse

 

[washingtonbound]

I know I am going to sound like a nagging parent but, if you have issues, the drugs will only make it worse

I have learned that and seem to continue learning that the hard way

 

[Jnowhere]

I have learned that and seem to continue learning that the hard way

I hope things get better for you, and you can find happiness Trust me I understand about learning the hard way, it sucks and there is always that part of me that just wishes, I could go back in time and kick my own ass and knock some sense into myself when I was in my late teens and 20's and even in my 30's.

 

[wirkdy]

we're similar in loneliness (have been since early teens, now I'm 40!! so tough to bare!) and trying to find a place going around, I understand you, solutions? I stopped believing in them, only time will tell, whatever it might bring I'll accept.

 

[washingtonbound]

we're similar in loneliness (have been since early teens, now I'm 40!! so tough to bare!) and trying to find a place going around, I understand you, solutions? I stopped believing in them, only time will tell, whatever it might bring I'll accept.

I made the mistake of having this Disneyland fantasy that once I left the toxic environment of small town Southwest Florida and went somewhere exotic like Colombia, suddenly I’d magically acquire these lifelong connections, find a girl who cared about me deeply, and walk into the sunset with a pomegranate margarita or some shit like that.

Within a month I was growing tired of sitting alone in my hotel room most of the time. I did not realize the language barrier would be that big, I got let down a few times by what I thought were regular women who turned out to be hookers trying to scam me, and it was hard for me not to buy cocaine at the skatepark every time I went because people would always yell: “Quieres? Necesitas?” until I caved in. I grew to find Medellin to be a cesspool.

Since then I’ve been around to other parts of Colombia on different occasions as well as some other Latam countries and Eastern Europe, but honestly travel to me at this point is just trying to avoid facing life altogether. I hardly get anything out of it at this point. I just roam from point A to B searching, but not really, for something I know I won’t find.

Even though I’m almost 30 I haven’t really processed my past, and have developed other issues from being forced into “therapeutic”residential inpatient programs even as a grown adult. My self esteem has been severely compromised.

Anyway don’t mean to rant but my point is that I have found no solution to my extreme loneliness through my travel escapades, nor the various other mental challenges I’ve faced from the excessive forced institutionalization. The lack of progress is what causes me to think what the hell is the point.

 

[Jnowhere]

It seems like a nightmare, being institutionalized all those times. Does your family love you and care about you?
Or are they just doing it out of frustration or some other reason?
I am just assuming this because of that time you woke up to find two guys who forced you to go to Utah.
Then the other time you were forced into what(the one in Illinois) you described as a cesspool, where everybody critized each other.( I am not a shrink, but that doesn't sound very therapeutic).
It seems like traveling is a way to stay out of these residential treatment centers.
Do you get along with your family?
It seems like they care, but those troubled teen places, can be from news shows and a movie I saw, a nightmare.
What I am curious about is your relationship with your family. Is there anyway you can try college again.( I screwed up my life and college by being a drunk, not anymore).
I too have had a lonely sad life, but it is mainly my own fault.
I am not getting into my situation too much, but is there a chance of you going back to college, and avoiding drugs? Hey I went to college too, but it was beer not drugs that screwed me up.
Would you be able to go to a nearby college and if things went well, transfer to another school?
The reason I ask is that you are still fairly young and if you could get a college degree, then hopefully a job where you could meet people and find purpose.
No, I am not here to judge, but having a a career, could really help with the loneliness. Also besides friends, you might find a girlfriend and possibly more.
I have had my own issues, which I will not get into because, I don't get along with some of the people on here and I don't wanna hear their shit.
I don't want you to end up like me. Alone and without purpose, and middle aged and being totally bored.
Can any issues you may have, be dealt with; without you being in an institution or a residential treatment center?
I don't know how things are with your relationship with your family, but can it be salvaged to the point I made earlier.
Can you go to a somewhat nearby college and be okay? A satellite campus of a major Florida University, Is that a possible option? Then later transfer to another school if any of the nearby colleges are a dead end?
The reason I ask is that you seem intelligent and want more from life. A good education is a great place to start.
Can you talk to your family and try once again, this time closer to home. Also have you figured out your interests, and what you can do?
I hated foreign languages because, I am really bad with them and traveling alone to foreign countries as an American who doesn't speak the language can be dangerous, especially in South America. Wandering around has not seemed to be what you hoped it would be.
Like I said I don't know your situation but is there a chance for you to have one last try to get a college degree?
I personally think that if you are able to get a decent degree and a career; that you may be able to have a much more happy life and not be lonely.
The travels you have made, don't seem like they went too well.
I don't wanna sound like some shrink wannabe but is it possible for you to stop hiding from your past and try to find a way towards a happy future?
I sincerely wish you the best and hopefully you can figure out a way to not be miserable.

 

[PtahTek]

I read the title and all I see is me what doest that say I wonder?

just feel like a waste of a person

When this fist came to me I got myself to a psychologist and glad I did as I knew I was superman and always have been. Ha!
Not saying go see a doc it just helped me when I felt I was a worthless pos that no one wanted or needed. There is value
Made a change I think just through sharing idk
witchcraft is what I told her and she laughs
(or used to she gone now)
Someone brought up "passive-suicide ideation" somewhere (not here) just something I heard in the background. Maybe like a tornado takes us away or something. Wouldn't that be great. All at once. Ha!
I wish

 

[washingtonbound]

It seems like a nightmare, being institutionalized all those times. Does your family love you and care about you?
Or are they just doing it out of frustration or some other reason?
I am just assuming this because of that time you woke up to find two guys who forced you to go to Utah.
Then the other time you were forced into what(the one in Illinois) you described as a cesspool, where everybody critized each other.( I am not a shrink, but that doesn't sound very therapeutic).
It seems like traveling is a way to stay out of these residential treatment centers.
Do you get along with your family?
It seems like they care, but those troubled teen places, can be from news shows and a movie I saw, a nightmare.
What I am curious about is your relationship with your family. Is there anyway you can try college again.( I screwed up my life and college by being a drunk, not anymore).
I too have had a lonely sad life, but it is mainly my own fault.
I am not getting into my situation too much, but is there a chance of you going back to college, and avoiding drugs? Hey I went to college too, but it was beer not drugs that screwed me up.
Would you be able to go to a nearby college and if things went well, transfer to another school?
The reason I ask is that you are still fairly young and if you could get a college degree, then hopefully a job where you could meet people and find purpose.
No, I am not here to judge, but having a a career, could really help with the loneliness. Also besides friends, you might find a girlfriend and possibly more.
I have had my own issues, which I will not get into because, I don't get along with some of the people on here and I don't wanna hear their shit.
I don't want you to end up like me. Alone and without purpose, and middle aged and being totally bored.
Can any issues you may have, be dealt with; without you being in an institution or a residential treatment center?
I don't know how things are with your relationship with your family, but can it be salvaged to the point I made earlier.
Can you go to a somewhat nearby college and be okay? A satellite campus of a major Florida University, Is that a possible option? Then later transfer to another school if any of the nearby colleges are a dead end?
The reason I ask is that you seem intelligent and want more from life. A good education is a great place to start.
Can you talk to your family and try once again, this time closer to home. Also have you figured out your interests, and what you can do?
I hated foreign languages because, I am really bad with them and traveling alone to foreign countries as an American who doesn't speak the language can be dangerous, especially in South America. Wandering around has not seemed to be what you hoped it would be.
Like I said I don't know your situation but is there a chance for you to have one last try to get a college degree?
I personally think that if you are able to get a decent degree and a career; that you may be able to have a much more happy life and not be lonely.
The travels you have made, don't seem like they went too well.
I don't wanna sound like some shrink wannabe but is it possible for you to stop hiding from your past and try to find a way towards a happy future?
I sincerely wish you the best and hopefully you can figure out a way to not be miserable.

To give some context, my parents are pretty old and very wealthy. They are pretty typical boomers I would say, very straight laced people. I think they care, but it’s a big deal for them to see me doing the “right” things in their mind. Smoking weed and drinking weren’t the “right” things and hence I was sent off to that horrible troubled teen camp.

They are just conservative people and do what they think is good parenting I guess, doesn’t help much that I’m an only child either. The right word for them would be “helicopter parents,” (even my shrink from the wilderness place said that).

I guess the fact that my parents have plenty of money makes me feel like I never have to work due to inheritance. It certainly doesn’t make me feel better about myself, but I know I’m set for life. If it sounds like I’m boasting I don’t mean to at all, just giving perspective on my situation.

The psychosis I had ten years ago degraded my life in a terrible way. But before having the psychosis I had the same feelings of isolation and felt like the year of university I went through was hell. It was barely tolerable and I’m sure I would’ve snapped soon afterwards if it didn’t happen that summer.

I think I’m just kind of a typical trust fund kid gone wrong, slightly spoiled and can’t tolerate real life very well.

There have been a fair amount of times that I haven’t really been psychotic but behaving “off” to my mother, which has landed me in the hospital with the right shitty cops. That is what drives a lot of the anger and resentment, I’m unable to tolerate it anymore. While I don’t like living in Mexico that much currently, it basically has no laws whatsoever and no psych hospitals to speak of.

 

[paltatomate]

The lack of progress is what causes me to think what the hell is the poin

I can relate to that.

Though my upbringing was a little different, I was kind of a trust fund kid, too. In fact until six years ago I didn't care about stuff like pension and health insurance or even having a job that pays enough for my rent and basic needs (which aren't much).

I always worked, even when I went to college/university and didn't need to. I did it because for me it was a great way to meet different people and socialize. Though I never cared about a career, work was something I always needed in my life. It gave me a sense of purpose, and it kept me from isolating myself too much.

I guess the fact that my parents have plenty of money makes me feel like I never have to work due to inheritance. It certainly doesn’t make me feel better about myself, but I know I’m set for life.

And it did make me feel good about myself.

It doesn't matter what you do. If earning money is not an issue, then do some volunteering. Churches, hospitals (okay, maybe not your first choice), animal shelters, retirement homes, homeless kitchens... It won't give you a ton of new friends over night, but at least you would be doing something that might make you feel better about yourself and help connect with others.

I wish I could do some volunteer work because I've been isolated for too long, and that's not a good thing to be.

 

[bablyonee]

Those so-called therapeutic communities really do suck. I hope things work out for you washingtonbound

 

[washingtonbound]

I can relate to that.

Though my upbringing was a little different, I was kind of a trust fund kid, too. In fact until six years ago I didn't care about stuff like pension and health insurance or even having a job that pays enough for my rent and basic needs (which aren't much).

I always worked, even when I went to college/university and didn't need to. I did it because for me it was a great way to meet different people and socialize. Though I never cared about a career, work was something I always needed in my life. It gave me a sense of purpose, and it kept me from isolating myself too much.

And it did make me feel good about myself.

It doesn't matter what you do. If earning money is not an issue, then do some volunteering. Churches, hospitals (okay, maybe not your first choice), animal shelters, retirement homes, homeless kitchens... It won't give you a ton of new friends over night, but at least you would be doing something that might make you feel better about yourself and help connect with others.

I wish I could do some volunteer work because I've been isolated for too long, and that's not a good thing to be.

I absolutely would prefer to work and be productive, have a proper career even, I was just pointing out that work is not out of necessity in my case.

Isolation is a major, major problem for me and has been for over ten years. It’s not even a coping mechanism, feels like shit to do it constantly.

I would just like a way out of my own head, for good.

 

[wirkdy]

I made the mistake of having this Disneyland fantasy that once I left the toxic environment of small town Southwest Florida and went somewhere exotic like Colombia, suddenly I’d magically acquire these lifelong connections, find a girl who cared about me deeply, and walk into the sunset with a pomegranate margarita or some shit like that.

Within a month I was growing tired of sitting alone in my hotel room most of the time. I did not realize the language barrier would be that big, I got let down a few times by what I thought were regular women who turned out to be hookers trying to scam me, and it was hard for me not to buy cocaine at the skatepark every time I went because people would always yell: “Quieres? Necesitas?” until I caved in. I grew to find Medellin to be a cesspool.

Since then I’ve been around to other parts of Colombia on different occasions as well as some other Latam countries and Eastern Europe, but honestly travel to me at this point is just trying to avoid facing life altogether. I hardly get anything out of it at this point. I just roam from point A to B searching, but not really, for something I know I won’t find.

Even though I’m almost 30 I haven’t really processed my past, and have developed other issues from being forced into “therapeutic”residential inpatient programs even as a grown adult. My self esteem has been severely compromised.

Anyway don’t mean to rant but my point is that I have found no solution to my extreme loneliness through my travel escapades, nor the various other mental challenges I’ve faced from the excessive forced institutionalization. The lack of progress is what causes me to think what the hell is the point.

like me but I gave up travel got tired of it 'cos I know I'm not gonna find a place I'd settle in, I roamed like a ghost in the past, seen a lot, yeah nice but didn't get the chance to settle down nor found anybody significant, I'll try one last time after many years but not so eager to, it has become almost a burden to travel.

 

[paltatomate]

It’s not even a coping mechanism, feels like shit to do it constantly.

I would just like a way out of my own head, for good.

Still think you should do something. If working feels more productive to you than volunteering, thats okay. But do it. Don't sit around and wait for someone to come and take you out. You have a big advantage to not have to do X bucks a months just to survive. And nothing wrong with wanting a career, but do you even know what kind of job you would want to have?

I under the impression your life has been managed by your parents. Like when you write

There have been a fair amount of times that I haven’t really been psychotic but behaving “off” to my mother,

Do you still live with them? If so so, maybe you should look for your own place first. Become independent. That alone could give you a mayor self-esteem boost, which is helpful when trying to connect with others, in whatever way.
Don't let your parents and your past rule your life.

 

[Jnowhere]

Those so-called therapeutic communities really do suck. I hope things work out for you washingtonbound

Actually those 'therapeutic communities', don't suck so much as many of them are actually criminal in their treatment of minors. They have a bunch overseas, so that they don't have to worry about US laws.
I am referring to the ones WB, got stuck in as a minor. Even the stateside ones are very often criminally abusive and very counter productive.
There have been some that are like the one in the movie, Boot Camp, starring Mila Kunis. At risk youth sent to an over seas( Fiji or South Pacific somewhere) hell hole, for troubled teens.

 

[Jnowhere]

Forcing kids to go to shrinks, is a way for many rich parents to pass the buck( literally and metaphorically) when it comes to raising their kids.

I remember in grade school being forced to go see the school districts psychologist for a while in the 5th grade.
There were 4 people plus the 20 something year old female psychologist.
The funny part was 2 of the kids needed to be there, they were seriously messed up; me I was well just a smart ass trouble maker and the other kid was in there because he was friends with me and in my class. It got me out of spelling tests every Friday for half a year.
I don't know why, because so many other kids( including several of my other friends) were much worse than me.
I never did anything that bad, or troubling.
My teacher was just not able to cope with me. So send the kid to see the shrink, or wannabe shrink, there was no MD after her name.

 

[washingtonbound]

Still think you should do something. If working feels more productive to you than volunteering, thats okay. But do it. Don't sit around and wait for someone to come and take you out. You have a big advantage to not have to do X bucks a months just to survive. And nothing wrong with wanting a career, but do you even know what kind of job you would want to have?

I under the impression your life has been managed by your parents. Like when you write

Do you still live with them? If so so, maybe you should look for your own place first. Become independent. That alone could give you a mayor self-esteem boost, which is helpful when trying to connect with others, in whatever way.
Don't let your parents and your past rule your life.

I lived with my mom mostly up to age 27. Last two years I’ve been gone most the time. I still can’t afford FL rent prices

Actually those 'therapeutic communities', don't suck so much as many of them are actually criminal in their treatment of minors. They have a bunch overseas, so that they don't have to worry about US laws.
I am referring to the ones WB, got stuck in as a minor. Even the stateside ones are very often criminally abusive and very counter productive.
There have been some that are like the one in the movie, Boot Camp, starring Mila Kunis. At risk youth sent to an over seas( Fiji or South Pacific somewhere) hell hole, for troubled teens.

Look up “coral reef academy” in Samoa. Friend of mine tried killing himself at my program because he was threatened to be sent there, where you can’t legally leave until 21.

 

[Jnowhere]

I lived with my mom mostly up to age 27. Last two years I’ve been gone most the time. I still can’t afford FL rent prices

Look up “coral reef academy” in Samoa. Friend of mine tried killing himself at my program because he was threatened to be sent there, where you can’t legally leave until 21.

I don't watch Television anymore, other than buying complete seasons of shows I liked, cheap at the two places near me that sell used dvd's and Blu-ray disks. But I remember seeing something on TV, years ago about those shit holes overseas, and some in Mexico.
I don't know for sure that they investigated that one, but there was one in Somoa that was the real focus of the show. Can't remember if it was 60 minutes, 48 hours, or some other prime time type news show.
The worst part is, there are kids with real problems that those scumbags can't really help, kids who don't belong there and the rest who are abused by the staff.
I had a relative that I have not seen or spoken too in long time, that was running away, and doing all sorts of stuff and ended up being dragged off to some place, similar to the one that those 2 bastards forced you to go to in Utah.
She eventually, really got herself together and has a great career and a family. No thanks to places like that.

I will check out The Coral Reef academy. I wonder if that movie, Boot Camp, used that place you wrote about as a sort of, an 'Inspiration' for the movie.
I would say, that you can watch it free on Tubi, but it might trigger bad memories, but it being a movie; there was a somewhat fitting ending, I think.

I couldn't find that much, other than ads for the place. However there were a few articles about it.
The staff is basically a bunch of violent criminals deported from America. Kept till 21? Keeping kids in isolation for weeks and months on end. Beating them in restraints, who knows what else, and lousy food.
This place is in the middle of nowhere( speaking on a global scale), for a reason. Poor education, physical, verbal and mental abuse. That is a partial list. And I know that places like that are expensive. It appears like, they are trying to rid the internet of negative articles about that hell hole.

They opened a school this year in St. Thomas for Autistic kids. I don't even want to think about it, given what I have read about this place, I can't even imagine the nightmare that it would be for an Austic Kid to end up in a place run by people like this.