Outside of Closed Doors
7.01.03
I went for a walk to the supermarket today. I thought i could kill three birds with one stone: work off another pound or so before i go to Florida, get some sun action going on my pale body, and get myself some yummy fruit salad for a quick lunch. In a 2-hour walk, I had many revelations.
I was walking in sandals... I only bought these sandals because i liked the way they look against a nice tan, and with a pair of white capris. But they are hands-down the most uncomfortable shoes ever (the kind where that little thingy comes up between your toes). And they were definitely the wrong choice of footwear to wear on today's journey. About halfway to the store, i decided to take my sandals off and carry them. Hot asphalt scorched my poor feet, but it was the lesser of the two evils. Every now and then i would hit a patch of grass between yards of concrete. And i came to my first revelation... there is no feeling on earth quite like the feeling of grass between your toes. And i realized, i don't spend much time outside these days. I've become too comfortable in my suburban air-conditioned carpeted hiding place, and behind the walls of a restaurant where i'm pathetically too happy to spend the majority of my days, waiting on people just for the mere sake of having someone to talk to. People to be around. Something to do. I've forgotten how nice it can feel to just prance around through blades of summer grass... and forget that there are bills to be paid, people to please, and programming books to memorize. There is life outside of those walls.
You have a lot of time to think, when you go for a walk by yourself. I think about my boyfriend, who is in another state for the next few weeks, opening up a new store. I think how jealous I was that he got picked for what he's doing. I think how angry i was that he could just get up and leave. I think how sad i was that he has only called twice since he left. But now, walking, thinking, I realize... I'm happy for him. I'm so happy for him. What little of his past that he broke down and told me about, all of it was so sad... and when I look at him, i see someone who doesn't need anybody... someone who is completely independent, and strong, and knows what he wants... and he's so the opposite of me, who still has my parents buying me paper towels for apartment, and grandparents who buy me Christmas presents, and people I can rely on for everything. I'm so proud that after all he went through, he finally has something to show for it. I wish I would have realized it sooner... because I would have told him that before he left. Instead I held onto him and cried...
I pass an old couple on the street corner. I am waiting for the opposing light to turn green and I see the old man out of the corner of my eye, take the old woman's hand in his and guide he across the street. Nothing has touched me so much in awhile. All i could think was, here is 2 people, who fell in love a long, long time ago, and here they are, holding hands like teenagers. And just because they are still together after all this time doesnt mean that he didn't cheat, or that she didn't lie, or that they didn't inadvertantly break each other's hearts once or twice over the years... what it means is simple: After all this time, I'm still here. And maybe that's what love should be about.... no matter what happens, its about still being there at the end. I think of how worried I am that things will change for me and him when I graduate, or when they ask him to be a manager somewhere or go open a store overseas... but i guess if you love someone enough, they will still be there in the end. And sometimes the journey can teach you so much. And remind you that good things really do come to those who wait...
I had one more revelation while walking today. I keep saying that i don't really know what i want out of life, and i justify this by saying that no one really knows what they want when they are 24, but the truth is... i know exactly what i want. I just want to be happy. I want the feeling of grass between my toes, the feeling of having someone there at the end, the feeling of freedom, and no worries.... I need to break out of my routine and save some time for these things. Because behind these closed doors, there can only be money in my pocket, strangers who come and go, and sore feet after walking miles on hard floors all day. There is no satisfaction at the end of the day that leads to REAL happiness... just the sense of completion that the day is over, i still have my job, and i can pay my bills. Some days, that's enough... but then there are days like today, where i want the bigger picture for myself.
I've never been a vengeful person in the past. I never let anyone bother me enough to feel like I had to get back at them. I didn't feel that way until I got hurt, badly, many times. Then my attitude changed. I wanted to step on everyone who had stepped on me. I wanted them to cry at night like they had made me cry. And i would do anything to achieve that. I had to learn the hard way that nothing good can come of revenge. I believe so whole-heartedly in karma now, and i think it has changed my life for the better. So i know that whatever i am going through right now that has me down, there has to be something good to come of it all.
So i'm blissful, this tuesday. With sun on my shoulders and only pennies in my pocket, sandals in hand, and thoughts of comfort in my head, i am happy. There's a lot of concrete... its hot, and its hard, and it takes some work getting across... it would be easier to drive, but I'd miss all the beauty... and every couple yards or so, there is the occasional patch of soft, silky grass... and its those moments i keep going for. 'Cause nothing beats the feeling of summer grass between your toes.
7.01.03
I went for a walk to the supermarket today. I thought i could kill three birds with one stone: work off another pound or so before i go to Florida, get some sun action going on my pale body, and get myself some yummy fruit salad for a quick lunch. In a 2-hour walk, I had many revelations.
I was walking in sandals... I only bought these sandals because i liked the way they look against a nice tan, and with a pair of white capris. But they are hands-down the most uncomfortable shoes ever (the kind where that little thingy comes up between your toes). And they were definitely the wrong choice of footwear to wear on today's journey. About halfway to the store, i decided to take my sandals off and carry them. Hot asphalt scorched my poor feet, but it was the lesser of the two evils. Every now and then i would hit a patch of grass between yards of concrete. And i came to my first revelation... there is no feeling on earth quite like the feeling of grass between your toes. And i realized, i don't spend much time outside these days. I've become too comfortable in my suburban air-conditioned carpeted hiding place, and behind the walls of a restaurant where i'm pathetically too happy to spend the majority of my days, waiting on people just for the mere sake of having someone to talk to. People to be around. Something to do. I've forgotten how nice it can feel to just prance around through blades of summer grass... and forget that there are bills to be paid, people to please, and programming books to memorize. There is life outside of those walls.
You have a lot of time to think, when you go for a walk by yourself. I think about my boyfriend, who is in another state for the next few weeks, opening up a new store. I think how jealous I was that he got picked for what he's doing. I think how angry i was that he could just get up and leave. I think how sad i was that he has only called twice since he left. But now, walking, thinking, I realize... I'm happy for him. I'm so happy for him. What little of his past that he broke down and told me about, all of it was so sad... and when I look at him, i see someone who doesn't need anybody... someone who is completely independent, and strong, and knows what he wants... and he's so the opposite of me, who still has my parents buying me paper towels for apartment, and grandparents who buy me Christmas presents, and people I can rely on for everything. I'm so proud that after all he went through, he finally has something to show for it. I wish I would have realized it sooner... because I would have told him that before he left. Instead I held onto him and cried...
I pass an old couple on the street corner. I am waiting for the opposing light to turn green and I see the old man out of the corner of my eye, take the old woman's hand in his and guide he across the street. Nothing has touched me so much in awhile. All i could think was, here is 2 people, who fell in love a long, long time ago, and here they are, holding hands like teenagers. And just because they are still together after all this time doesnt mean that he didn't cheat, or that she didn't lie, or that they didn't inadvertantly break each other's hearts once or twice over the years... what it means is simple: After all this time, I'm still here. And maybe that's what love should be about.... no matter what happens, its about still being there at the end. I think of how worried I am that things will change for me and him when I graduate, or when they ask him to be a manager somewhere or go open a store overseas... but i guess if you love someone enough, they will still be there in the end. And sometimes the journey can teach you so much. And remind you that good things really do come to those who wait...
I had one more revelation while walking today. I keep saying that i don't really know what i want out of life, and i justify this by saying that no one really knows what they want when they are 24, but the truth is... i know exactly what i want. I just want to be happy. I want the feeling of grass between my toes, the feeling of having someone there at the end, the feeling of freedom, and no worries.... I need to break out of my routine and save some time for these things. Because behind these closed doors, there can only be money in my pocket, strangers who come and go, and sore feet after walking miles on hard floors all day. There is no satisfaction at the end of the day that leads to REAL happiness... just the sense of completion that the day is over, i still have my job, and i can pay my bills. Some days, that's enough... but then there are days like today, where i want the bigger picture for myself.
I've never been a vengeful person in the past. I never let anyone bother me enough to feel like I had to get back at them. I didn't feel that way until I got hurt, badly, many times. Then my attitude changed. I wanted to step on everyone who had stepped on me. I wanted them to cry at night like they had made me cry. And i would do anything to achieve that. I had to learn the hard way that nothing good can come of revenge. I believe so whole-heartedly in karma now, and i think it has changed my life for the better. So i know that whatever i am going through right now that has me down, there has to be something good to come of it all.
So i'm blissful, this tuesday. With sun on my shoulders and only pennies in my pocket, sandals in hand, and thoughts of comfort in my head, i am happy. There's a lot of concrete... its hot, and its hard, and it takes some work getting across... it would be easier to drive, but I'd miss all the beauty... and every couple yards or so, there is the occasional patch of soft, silky grass... and its those moments i keep going for. 'Cause nothing beats the feeling of summer grass between your toes.
