Dear citizens,
we have some very disturbing news to share. We have discovered a new coronavirus and found out that when old and sick people get infected with it, they often die. This is unprecedented! We must put a stop to this immediately, so from now on, you will not be allowed to go out whenever you want, you will have to wear masks outside, and you will keep at least a 2m distance from one another! We will shut down anything that's non-essential to prevent this disease from killing old and sick people. They're the most important people we have!
This will destroy the economy, but it has to be done. More than 3,000 people died from this virus in China in two months! Do you know how long it normally takes for 3,000 people to die in China? Well, about 3 hours, but that's not the point! We can't have this virus kill old and sick people. It's been killing some 400 people a day! The flu only kills about 1,300 people a day, so you can see how this is much worse. The flu is OK. We know the flu. It doesn't bother us. Also cancer kills 22,000 people a day, but we can't do anything about that, and besides, chemotherapy is good business, so that's not an issue. Also 3,000 people commit suicide every day, but we don't even know why they're doing it, so we can't help that. But we will destroy the economy and take all your freedom in order to stop this coronavirus! Because we can do that!
So stay in your homes and watch TV. You can go out only to buy food. If you do anything else outside, you will be fined or arrested or both. Every minute you stay outside is putting some old and sick people somewhere at risk! When you're outside, you'll keep a distance from other people. Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone. And for god's sake, wear something around your face. It's the only way to save those old and sick people from dying from coronavirus so that they can die a few weeks later from cancer or pneumonia or heart attacks and so on, which is normal.
Try to keep a 2m distance even from your family members at home, because you never know! Wash your hands at least 36 times a day, and constantly disinfect everything anybody has touched. If we see that old and sick people keep dying anyway, we will have to take stronger measures and install cameras in your homes to check whether you're washing your hands and disinfecting things properly. Some may say it will be a fascist police state, but it's for your own good. One day you will also be old and sick, and you will want to die from heart disease and cancer like everyone else and not from this terrible coronavirus. And it really is horrible. You get a sore throat and start coughing, and sometimes you may even feel pain. So we hope you now understand why everything has to be forbidden and you must be isolated and separated from all other human beings. It's really the healthiest thing we can do for you, so please don't make this difficult.
Your government
