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Out of bad relationship of 4 years-super depressed

cutecute

cutecute

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
290
Location
cave
I know this is long, sorry.

I'm 20 years old and I'd been dating the same guy (with a few breaks) for four years. He's the only guy I've ever loved, and I've spent pretty much all my dating years on him. I broke up with him a little more than 2 weeks ago.

He is a nice guy, never abusive or anything. He is just a loser. Didn't care about having a job, owed me money a lot, did poorly in school, etc.. A lot of the time he made me feel as if he were my child and I needed to take care of him. Some people wouldn't care much about that but I'm doing well for myself, almost done with my BS at a good university, and going on to study naturopathic medicine. I live on my own and am very responsible and he and I were very different in this way.

I don't have space to even write here all the reasons that I fell out of love with him, but it basically boiled down to me worrying that we would end up together---like married and kids, etc. It terrified me to think that this was it, that this was the person I would end up with. I feel as though I would be so unsatisfied and my life would have been left un-lived, then I'd just grow old and die with this bleh person sucking me dry and frustrating me with their mediocrity. I found myself fantasizing about meeting someone amazing who would introduce me to new things and actually contribute something and make my life better.

I do not want to get back together with the guy at all; that's not the issue. I just miss having someone. and I haven't built the skills/strength to be on my own since I've always been with him. I miss having someone to talk to about everything since I don't open up to people easily and usually hate letting people in about my problems.

The nostalgia is killing me since it was my first love and it was so amazing at times. We had ALL of our first experiences together: sex, rolling, smoking, sneaking out, raves, acid, mushrooms...you name it, everything. We used to be deeply, intensely in love and we can never go back to that place. I used to think we would be together forever; he still did. But we've just grown apart and I feel like I'm now 20 years old, but he is still the 16 year old I used to love--it doesn't work anymore.

I know I need to just take the time to get over it but it's fucking me up...I'm sleeping all day and drinking too much (I don't usually ever drink). And the rest of the time I just do nothing... I try to have fun when I go out or visit family but it's always in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front as well. I just pretend like everything is okay so my friends don't ask me about it. I have been getting a lot of attention from guys (how do they sense that you are single??) and have already been asked out by three different ones but I don't think a rebound is what I need right now; I'll just regret it and not ever build the ability to be happily single and not attached to some dude/girl. Is boycotting dating for a while a good idea?

I guess this was just venting but have any of you ever gotten over a long relationship or first love? Help me out :( </3
 
cutecute, I'm so sorry. Breakups suck no matter what, even if you know it's the right thing to do and you aren't in love with the guy anymore. You'll still have feelings for the guy even though you know it's best, and I'm sure you never meant to hurt him.

Sounds like you just grew up, and you need someone who is a partner, not a mooch. You would be surprised at how many people out there have no ambition, and this is a problem for someone who has a lot of ambition and talent. Even men without ambition can be good guys, but I know that feeling like someone is not your equal and just mooches off of your success. It is exactly what you described: it feels like someone is sucking the life out of you. I think you did the right thing, and at least you didn't get married and have kids. Some women think this will "fix" things and all it does is make things worse. I don't know what it is. Women can be housewives or homemakers and just want kids, and lots of men are OK with that, but it's incredibly unattractive to a successful woman to have a man who just mooches...and annoying.

You might meet a great guy when you go to grad school. I'm flypaper for mooches, so I don't know how you balance "great guy with no money" and "great guy with no money but will suck the ambition out of you." lol I think it's because poor men are more fun and exciting and rich guys are uptight. lol I don't know...I am even seeing a lawyer at the moment. I thought it was great to meet a really smart guy (he's so fucking smart). I thought someone who went through law school must have goals, ambition and drive. I lost an important income stream about 6 days ago.. He lives off of me. I pay for everything, but it's my house and I was OK with that, since he was taking me out every day for about a month and dropping $100-$200 a day on me. Couldn't complain. He basically pays for all the groceries, but I lost a really important income stream and I need some support here. When I suggested "Hey, you could give me some money" he still hasn't given me any and it's not like he doesn't have it. I pay for everything...everything, and I lose my income and his biggest contribution is laundry and buying groceries. I'm really peeved at the moment. He says he doesn't want to practice law and that's fine, but DO SOMETHING... so once again, I feel like I'm trapped with a mooch.

TBH, I'm seriously considering giving up and just saying if the guy doesn't have a real job, don't talk to me. I don't know. If you figure it out, please let me know. lol
 
I'm sorry. It sounds like you made the right decision but it can be very tough!
I dated this one guy for three years. We broke up when I was 19. First for most things ... date, kiss, sex, etc. Yeah I thought we'd be together forever. I never realized how unhappy I was with him until I met someone else. Then I looked back and thought ... how did I stay with him for so long? He isn't a bad guy. He's just NOT for me. I always felt like I had goals, much more than he did. He was at university but he never cared about moving out of his parents or anything, and he basically relied on his best friend (I wouldn't be surprised if they both ended up gay :p). We were just so WRONG for each other!
Luckily for me I found an amazing guy right away (who kinda helped break me and the first bf up which sounds bad but it was definitely good!). Just the difference in relationships. It was like ... I thought I was in love with the first guy ... but it was nothing compared to the relationship with my second (current) boyfriend. It just felt right.
Even though I was casually seeing the other guy, it was still very hard to get over the first guy. Besides losing him, I lost all our mutual friends (not really good friends but it still sucked!). It takes time!!

Keep yourself busy. Friends? Hang out with them more, bond with them. Meet new people. Get involved in other things. And go ahead, meet new guys, why not? Take it slow but go for it. Having another crush isn't a bad thing! :)
 
It's sad, but you will always have those memories to look back on and enjoy.

Now you have freedom and possibilities. The world is your oyster! I'm excited for you. :)
 
Well, you did the right thing by separating yourself from this guy.........sounds like he's a leech. Good thing about your relationship was he did love you & didnt abuse you physically or mentally from what you've stated.

I do think you will need time to be single & focus on your career. Although a rebounding fling could take your mind off of your past but I am by no means advocating it.

You did have great times with your bf but you gotta realize it was your first & only experience with a guy from what you've stated & you need to get out & have some fun........not saying to sleep around but you catch my drift. Thing is you grew up & wanted more in life than what your bf wonted & that bummed you out but its reality.........things is, your bf is only 20 years old & could easily grow out of the stage he's in & become very successful...........kind of giving you a little hope but dont hold your breath.

Good things come to those who wait, so have patience & you will find your soul mate that will make you happy.............
 
Thanks everyone for responding...

I know I shouldn't be freaking out about this and that I'm young...it's still easy for me to get scared about being alone. I've always been scared about never finding someone and that is probably why I stayed with this one so long after it started not working anymore. Irrational I know but it's there.

And about the rebound thing, the last time we broke up I immediately starting dating my trainer. It was such a mistake. He was hopelessly boring and only talked about working out and food, and lame music. I would like him some days and hate him other days and try to convince myself into liking him, because I didn't want to be alone... Sometimes I would be over at his house and not feeling it, but I couldn't go home because I was drinking, so I'd get SHITFACED so hooking up with him wouldn't be so gross. I can't believe I did that! So really sad, don't wanna do that again.
 
Learn to rely on yourself and be alone before you go jumping into a relationship with someone else. You don't want to end up dependent on another dead end relationship. There are plenty of guys out there and you will probably find one who you are better off with if you believe you deserve it. No one can make you feel or do anything. It is all inside you, and can be dealt with by working on yourself and not letting others influence you. You have everything you need to be happy, healthy, and successful in all areas of your life. You just have to take charge and make shit happen. Good luck.
 
just think about this. you have a career to focus on and you will find love once again. you are only 20 so you have a lot of time to find love again. it can't be as bad as someone that is married for 20 years and gets a divorce when he has children. that is the worst break up someone can go through. if you want to move on then the only way is to hang out with friends and go have fun and your mind will be off him. get rid of his phone number, pictures or anything that reminds you of him. the more you spend alone the harder it will be to move on so go hang out with people. i say in at least 4 to 6 months you will move on completely
 
cutecute said:
Thanks everyone for responding...

I know I shouldn't be freaking out about this and that I'm young...it's still easy for me to get scared about being alone. I've always been scared about never finding someone and that is probably why I stayed with this one so long after it started not working anymore. Irrational I know but it's there.

And about the rebound thing, the last time we broke up I immediately starting dating my trainer. It was such a mistake. He was hopelessly boring and only talked about working out and food, and lame music. I would like him some days and hate him other days and try to convince myself into liking him, because I didn't want to be alone... Sometimes I would be over at his house and not feeling it, but I couldn't go home because I was drinking, so I'd get SHITFACED so hooking up with him wouldn't be so gross. I can't believe I did that! So really sad, don't wanna do that again.
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Yeah, that feeling that you don't want to be alone and yet you can't find someone right for you is always around unless you are lucky enough to find someone right away. I can't jump right into a relationship either after a breakup. I need a lot of time, but I think the more you go out, the faster you get over it. If you don't go out, you get over it more slowly and just kind of sit and think about it.

You never know. You might be friends with him some time down the road when you both are over each other. This has happened to me, and I think I have strong relationships (friendships) with a few guys I've dated and cried over at some point.
 
This is a common problem with people who are just getting out of their first relationship, especially if it was a long one. I think it speaks a lot to your maturity that you decided to break it off because you don't see him as a person who could support your future, but you also have to come to terms with the fact that high-school is a MAJOR part of people's lives in terms of developing an identity. For good or for bad, this guy played a part in creating who you are at this minute. Now that you're unattached, you can truly put things into perspective for yourself, chronicle your individual accomplishments thus far (eg. staying in college) and think of where YOU want to be in 2, 5, 10 years, regardless of anyone else's role in your life. Figuring that out for yourself and setting concrete, attainable goals to get you there will give you the purpose that gives you the confidence that will yank you out of depression and put you back on track. Kudos for not falling into a rebound relationship, I know people say "love is blind", but love is also selfish. You need to reinforce your individuality and subsequent worth to avoid falling victim to anyone else's selfish love.
 
cutecute - yeah, it sucks, but this dude was not in a position to be a suitable partner to you. Don't give up! Allow yourself to re-learn your quirks and your temperament. You'll find happiness with yourself, for sure, and perhaps you'll share that happiness with someone better for you. Don't give up. IME, it's better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong person.
 
Thanks again for all your advice, it means a lot <3

Today I've been deleting all our old pics/pics of him off of my computer. It's really hard but I know it will help...Physically throwing away the things he's given to me or letters he's written to me is going to kill me though I know it's unhealthy to keep them around. Wah :((
 
Excellent post thujone.

To cutecute > I only have this to share:

"This Too Shall Pass"
 
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