Opiates/Including Heroin has been only cure for My major depression…

[cassandra7946]

I know I'm going to get patronized by more experienced opiate users…but please understand that everyone's situation is different.

I have had major depression her entire life (28 years) and March of 2015 was the onset of the fifth major depressive episode and is still going strong. This depressive episode was much different than all others and finally I sought professional help. Never before did I try any psychiatric medications or illegal drugs (aside from alcohol, which I self medicated with for a long time).

I was prescribed various antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, including Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Xanax and Klonopin and Adderall for ADHD. After these medications had no effect, I went to a specialist to get Ketamine injections for treatment of refractory depression, with no results.

After about 7 months of internal suffering, including suicidal thoughts and extreme self harm, insomnia, panic attacks, anxiety induced nausea and vomiting and depression induced anorexia/bulimia, in addition to me mutilating harm with razor blades, I was at rock bottom with the cancer that is major depression. No medications were working and I was desperate.

After a botched suicide attempt during a white water rafting venture in August 2015, I fell into a debilitating state of being. I couldn't get off the couch for 4 days and so, finally reached out to an acquaintance and asked for an opiate, which I've never tried before.

At first the acquaintance gave me Oxycontin 80mg, which I took orally. Within 40 minutes, my suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm were alleviated for the first time in 7 months. Optimism, an unknown feeling to me, also manifested itself within me.

Then, the acquaintance gave me H. Surprisingly, H wasn't relieving my symptoms. After I discovered that snorting large doses of H didn't get me high or help my depression, I went to see another specialist.

This psychiatric doctor believed me about the prior medications and the Oxycontin effect and prescribed me 8 mg buprenorphine for depression and said that my brain didn't produce dopamine and endorphins at a normal level, which has ensued in me having major depression and abnormal opiate tolerance.

Within 20 minutes of sublingually taking buprenorphine, my suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm were alleviated again.

I recently also injected H and again, my depression is alleviated. I can shoot 4 bags at once with only doing opiates since end of August. And I don't feel euphoric from this, my depression is only alleviated and I have a will to live.

I have 1 current and 2 former H addicts in my family and knows all about addiction and junkies.

But I think I would rather be addicted to opiates than live with major depression that will most definitely lead to suicide.

I would like to hear the thoughts of this community...

 

[Speed King]

Welcome to Bluelight, cassandra7946. We do not use SWIM here. We ALL know it's you. I am quite sceptical of your very interesting story. I am sure one of my fellow Bluelighters can elaborate and help me also understand just what you are going through. Again, I welcome you.

 

[cassandra7946]

Which parts are you skeptical about, Speed King?

I didn't' come here to make up a story and waste time. Everything I've said is true and it all happened this year.

I can elaborate on any parts of the story if you tell me which parts you are having a hard time "believing".

 

[bdomihizayka]

Have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline? Just curious- you don't have to say.....

Anyways, using opiates to combat depression, no matter how severe, is stupid and will not work in the long run. You may get a few years relief, hell maybe even a decade, but theres going to come the point where you're just popping a pill or shooting a shot just to feel "normal" with no relief in terms of anxiety or depression. Even with bupe - for many people it just makes the withdrawal go away with no peripheral "fun" effects.

The number one thing you should be doing is exercising and correcting your diet. And I don't mean walking around the block a couple times- I mean intense cardio for at least 20-40 minutes a day 5 days a week for a couple months. The gratification isn't instant, but exercise is better than antidepressants in curing depression as found in many studies. You need to be strict and stringent. Even if it's "not helping"- continue for at least 2-3 months. You will eventually feel the benefits, and when you do, you'll be addicted to exercise.

You could have a food allergy or vitamin deficiency or hell even hormone/ thyroid problem, which can cause your symptoms. Look for the root cause. Even being dehydrated can cause extreme depression in people.

 

[namnoc16]

If your doc prescribed you bupe I'd stick with that . I'm skeptical about opiates to treat depression because in my own experience eventually they cause depression and anxiety,but I'm no doctor. Try sticking with what your doc has you on and stay away from the needle(nothing good comes from it,not for long anyway. After all you said the bupe is working don't get greedy it could come back to bite you in the ass.

 

[Speed King]

Hello again cassandra7946, my fellow Bluelighters were able to better answer your post and grasp the seriousness of it. I was skeptical of your story, because there was a lot to it, that I really did not understand. I didn't necessarily think you were lying. I left it open to others that would have a better understanding of what you may be going through. Both bdomihizayka and namnoc16 both bring up excellent points. As far as drugs go, I agree with namnoc16 in regards to Buprenorphine. I wish you well.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hi bdomihizayka,

Sorry for these long replies, but this is very therapeutic for me, because I have been isolating myself quite a bit. And there are 2 things that irritate me more than anything. 1) opiophobia and 2) telling people who have clinical depression to exercise

To answer your first question: Yes, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD when I was 20, in order for me to get discharged from the military because I was self-mutilating. Long story, but I was mentally and emotionally abused for 11 months when I was stationed in FL. I was ostracized, hazed on a daily basis and wasn't allowed to see my family for almost a year. I was also sent to the brig on my 20th birthday etc. I lost my mind and was highly suicidal. The psych told me that he was diagnosing me with BPD to get me out quick, but that I may not have it--that I was reacting abnormally to an abnormal situation….

Years later, this year actually, while I was going to see the psych, she diagnosed me with ADD. She said that BPD and ADD overlap so much, that just looking at the symptoms alone, a doctor cannot tell which illness one would have. Aside from the cutting, they are very similar. However, she diagnosed with me ADD and put me on Adderall. After a lot of introspection, I believe that the ADD has accentuated my depression over the years. The Adderall did what it was supposed to do--nothing. Meaning, when someone who has ADD (which is a chemical imbalance in the brain) does a stimulant like Adderall or Cocaine--"we" don't get a high from it. It just made me a little more focused and relaxed.

My depression was so severe at this point that taking the Adderall was a waste of time. I needed to fix the depression first, then address my ADD (inability to get all the aspects of my life "under control"), which is very difficult for someone with true ADD. It constantly feels like I'm going to fall off a cliff. I can't get things in order, I can't get things straightened out…finances, responsibilities, work…even the smallest of tasks. Its a nightmare.

To your second point about the "stupidity" of using opiates for depression: Before you claim my actions are stupid, try living with clinical depression and living through a major depressive episode where you are constantly having the ideations and the unwanted urges to commit suicide. Your whole body aches, you feel empty, dead inside, worthless. You cry uncontrollably, have no appetite, you can't sleep (2 days awake, then crash…2 days awake then crash etc), even powerful sleeping pills can't knock you out, and even if you do fall asleep, you wake up in the middle of the night sweating, having an anxiety attack. Your whole body is in pain. You feel 100x heavier. Your legs hurt when you walk. Your chest is tight. It LITERALLY feels like there are giant boulders laying on top of your body. You are motionless, with absolutely no will to live. Panic attacks last several hours, not several minutes. Time goes by like a haze. You don't remember what you were doing or thinking the day before….

Try living like that every single hour of every single day for 7+ months…not knowing when it will end. Not finding any relief through therapy or medications…

THEN, you administer an oh so scary OPIATE and all of the above symptoms are alleviated to a point where you can actually function like a normal human being for the first time in several months. A few years of relief? A decade? I'll take that over ending my life, thank you very much.

Before trying opiates, I tried to commit suicide in August this year because I couldn't take the deadness anymore. I jumped in a level 5 rapid and I was drowning. My body and mind went into shock. I remember thinking "I don't want to die this way!", because the whole episode was chaotic and scary. Kayakers rescued me. One of them threw me a rope and another got to shore and pulled me in. The 4 days after that I was unable to move. I laid in my bed, hadn't eaten or slept or gotten up…just read online about ways to kill myself that wouldn't be traumatic for me or my family. I came across a book that outlines what I needed to do. Either, put a plastic bag over my head and inhale helium, OR, buy Nembutal (which is the most peaceful way to go…the person who finds you thinks you are asleep). I was going to order this barbiturate…but then thought about how, if I died, my parents would have to pay off my student loans. I need to pay them off or take my father's name off of them before I take my own life…so…I was like SHIT, what do I do? That is when I discovered the magical effects opiates.

You said: "theres going to come a point where you're just popping a pill or shooting a shot just to feel "normal" with no relief in terms of anxiety or depression"...

Do you think I'm getting a euphoric high off doing these opiates? Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't. I feel "normal" when I take opiates now. There's no euphoric rush. I've never felt such a thing. The best way to describe how Oxy, buprenorphine or H makes me feel is: not depressed. I feel like a normal human being. The sadness is still there, but I'm able to manage the sadness better. It doesn't engulf my life to the point that I want to slit my wrists or shoot myself in the head. I get optimistic. I get motivated. I get up. I clean. I read books.

Without opiates, I just lay in bed and think about death.

You said:….."with bupe - for many people it just makes the withdrawal go away with no peripheral "fun" effects"..

Again, I don't' know what you mean by "fun"? I don't think doing opiates is "fun". It alleviates the most severe symptoms of my clinical depression. That is all.

And finally, not to be rude, but STFU about diet and exercise.

1) It has NEVER been proven that diet and exercise is an effective treatment for diagnosed clinical depression. It's hype and has no scientific basis in reality.

2) How do you know if I exercise? How do you know what I eat? How do you know that I haven't tried exercise and diet? Because, I have. Especially with the exercise, it makes me MORE depressed. If I was even able to get out of bed, the depression drains me so bad, I'm emotionally, mentally and PHYSICALLY already exhausted from the depression. So, when I exercise and I exhaust myself more…despair and suicidal thoughts INCREASE. Then I tried pilates and Yoga for weeks; again, same thing. My depression didn't get better.

3) "The gratification isn't instant" you say. LOL. Same argument with lame, ineffective "antidepressants". "I know you're suicidal and want to kill yourself and can't eat, sleep or get out of bed…the effects aren't instant with Celexa or Zoloft, just stick it out 4-6 months…"

You've never had major depression. If you did, you wouldn't say something so foolish as to exercise. Give me a break. Major depression is a lifelong illness. People have "episodes". Depression is like cancer. You go into remission and then it comes back. You can't just "snap out of it" and "exercise". It is a physical disease insomuch that its a psychological disease. This has been proven. Root causes of depression, more than anything else, are abnormalities with neurotransmitters in the brain. Including serotonin, dopamine and endorphins. It can also be caused by hormone imbalances. It's usually a mix. But these things cannot be fixed with exercise and eating an apple once a day. These problems can only be fixed with medications that target them. And I've found that opiates do this after trying various medications.

Medications effect everyone differently. Opiates are not an exception.

Food allergies? Vitamin deficiency? Dehydration? WTF are you talking about? Such nonsense doesn't even warrant a response.

Opiates have been used as antidepressants for hundreds of years. Even up until the mid 20th century, doctors prescribed them for depression. And, I hate to break it to you, but modern day doctors prescribe them off-label for depression and bi-polar disorder too. They are just terrified of the FDA and people like you to help their patients! But I accidentally found one that does and I'll keep taking the buprenorphine. If I'm out of that, I'll continue to take narcotic pain killers or heroin.

*Anyone reading this that have a similar problem…find a doctor that is OLD. Because, it is the old school doctors that were taught in med school back in the day that opiates cure depression. The young doctors have been brainwashed that opiates are horrible for you, but they're not.

Just because they are high risk for physical dependency does not make them ineffective or dangerous. Benzos (I've tried them and stopped because they were causing blackouts, memory loss etc.) are way more dangerous and addictive…but doctors hand them out like candy.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hi namnoc16,

Yes, I've been sticking with the buprenorphine.

Opiates may be the most effective antidepressants in the world. They have been used for mental disorders for hundreds of years. The doctor I went to see, who is very old school, knows this. Doctors like him prescribe opiates for refractory depression--clinical depression that doesn't respond to SSRIs, MAOIs and Tricyclics. He thinks my brain doesn't produce dopamine like normal people and I don't produce normal levels of endorphins. He's been practicing for 40 years and said he's seen cases like mine before. He said its uncommon but not rare.

I try not to take it everyday, because I don't want it to become ineffective. There are days where I really need it. I can't get out of bed without it. As for my H use, I'm obviously not supposed to be taking it and my doctor would be very disappointed in me if I told him about it…I've only been doing the needle for a few weeks, because snorting H was not doing anything at all, and I was getting frustrated and maybe just a little curious. I'm actually kind of relieved that I "feel" the H when I inject it now, because I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.

H has almost an identical effect as bupe when it comes to alleviating my depression. It's just more intense. The bupe actually lasts longer too. I tried the H when I was experiencing an extreme low and the bupe wasn't good enough for that "episode". I know I'm playing with fire. But, like I said, I'd rather be physically dependent on opiates, rather than live with suicidal depression and maybe take my own life.

*Also, all I read is that H causes anxiety and depression. Did anyone ever wonder if anxiety and depression caused H use in the first place? Then when you come down from it, you're back to where you were before the opiate abuse? It's sorta like the chicken and egg analogy. Just a thought. But I think for sure, that a majority of people who use illegal drugs are self medicating underlying emotional (or physical) problems.

 

[namnoc16]

You took the words off my screen with the chicken and the egg,lol! I was a heroin addict for well over a decade and I can only speak for myself but I got to such an unsustainable level of use and my whole world became managing my dope and thinking where I was gonna get money for my next fix(talk about anxiety and depression). I do know when I used dope it had a different affect on me then my friends. I would get energy like from a stimulant and couldn't stop talking I didn't get the nods,if I did I wouldn't have continued using. My addiction ctually got me tossed out of the navy and in many other bad situations.
Anyway I just hope you find what works for you and alleviates your suffering. Also if you killed yourself I think your student loans would be he least of what your parents would worry about.Stick around awhile this shit(life) gets interesting!

 

[Burnt Offerings]

I definitely believe that heroin is an effective anti-depressant based on my own experience (I say heroin specifically because it's the only opiate that I have a significant amount of experience with). When I was using on a regular basis (usually not every day, but on a biweekly basis at least) and I experienced a remarkable increase in my overall mood and sleep quality during that time. This was in general, not just when I was high. It's still not a smart idea though because depression is persistent, leading people to treat depression persistently, which leads to physical addiction etc. (all this being probably pretty obvious.)

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

I hate to support the OP since I'm younger and don't have as much experience but opiates have helped my depression considerably. They have helped boosted my self confidence to a point where I'm not suicidal anymore.

I've been using sporadically for the past 5 years and so far (I'd like to emphasize so far) they haven't caused me major problems. Clearly I have a large chunk of my life left so who knows but I don't think I'd have the general good feeling about life right now if I didn't take opiates. But who knows maybe that's just my excuse.

 

[Cliffy78]

Your story sounds a lot like mine op, I also use dope for mdd depression and it's the only thing that's helped and I've been through all the psyc meds. There's one thing that u need to see coming though, the expense. Once u get started with daily opiates u have to be absolutely positive that u can afford your meds(opiates in our case, namely heroin). This is no joke, your gonna need about 1500-2000 a month just for meds(dope) and u still gotta pay rent, food, car, health and auto insurance and on and on and on. If Bupe works for u then I'd stick with that. Why bother with dope if something much cheaper is effective?

Btw, ur dope isn't working correctly because ur taking Bupe.

 

[bdomihizayka]

You are quite rude- your borderline is very apparent which is why I was so easily able to identify you as such. I'm not even going to waste my time with you after this post as you are just an attention seeker. You clearly don't want to help yourself. You just want a quick fix. An antidepressant IS a quick fix as opposed to a change in lifestyle. It HAS been proven that exercise is more effective than an antidepressant- high intensity exercise. Many studies are online, and you're here telling me it's all bogus? You're obviously delusional too. I have suffered extreme depression, thank you.

What I'm trying to say is that even the "anti-depressant" effects of an opiate are going to go away with time, and you are going to be dosing just to stay out of withdrawal WITHOUT any "anti-depressant" effects of the drug.

We have no idea how depression or any other mental illness works or where their origins come from. We don't know exactly how psychiatric medicine even works. The "serotonin" theory is just that, a theory. There is no definitive proof linking depression to any lack of certain neurotransmitters.

You cannot name me a single doctor in a first world country who would give an opiate script for mental illness. Again, you're clearly delussional if you truly believe your own shit. They have not been implemented for depression for hundreds of years.



My best friend was "schizophrenic" and on many psyche meds. She had a food allergy- which once identified, cured her symptoms. I don't know why you laugh at such recommendations.... but it's all fine with me. After getting to know you, I frankly don't give a fuck how much you suffer, and recant my advice. Keep on popping your pills.

I was trying to help you- but apparently you don't want help, you just want attention. I'm not going to stroke your manipulative, dark ego.

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

I'm sorry but this is no "cure". It's merely hiding the symptoms. I'm not sure if this could work in the long run but I sure hope it does! Good luck and best wishes. Stay strong. I also would recommend avoiding heroin especially if you're injecting. It's a dark, dark road and you may end worse off than when you've started.

As a side note, the post about exercise is solid advice. You know that exercise produces endorphins and dopamine, which supposedly is exactly your problem? You shouldn't write that off so easily.

 

[Felonious Monk]

An antidepressant IS a quick fix as opposed to a change in lifestyle. It HAS been proven that exercise is more effective than an antidepressant- high intensity exercise. Many studies are online

Just in case you missed it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=depression+exercise+therapy

 

[cassandra7946]

Hi namnoc16,

I won't let myself get to that level. I know myself better than anyone. The biggest reason for that is I don't use H for the high. I use it because it makes me feel somewhat normal emotionally. H = Optimism for me. Without H (or any opiate, including buprenorphine), I don't have any optimism, motivation etc. I just want to end my life. These drugs make me bear the burden of living. That's just the way it is and I have to accept it.

*There is one other "thing" that cures most of my despair and depression and that is my ex-boyfriend. I'm in love with him. But he doesn't feel the same.

Unrequited love is the worst feeling in the world. Especially if that love is something that can make everything better.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hello Burnt Offerings,

Heroin is an effective antidepressant. I would argue the most effective antidepressant currently known. Remarkable is a good word to describe what it does for depressive symptoms. Instead of waiting 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to "kick in" and "maybe" relieve "some" symptoms, Heroin (opiates) alleviate mood in minutes and it lingers for hours--in the case of buprenorphine, it can linger for a day or so. Sleep quality is also another great thing about it.

Depression is persistent and using H persistently can lead to physical addiction. This is so true. But you know what else is true? Physical addiction to all other medications, especially benzos, which doctors have prescribed me before. Xanax and Klonopin work, but they fucked me up real bad. I would have blackouts as well. I wouldn't remember talking to people, being at places etc. It was so scary. You can die from withdrawals from those. But doctors hand them out like candy?

Depression is persistent and people with major depression have to be on ANY medications forever to treat it. So does it really make a difference what that medication is? Because to me, Heroin is a medication.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hey falsifiedhypothesi,

How old are you? Just out of curiosity because you said you were younger. And have you always had depression or are you having an "episode"?

I'm glad to hear that opiates have helped your self confidence (they do for me too) and alleviate suicidal thoughts <-- the main reason I do heroin.

Five years is a while. You should be proud of yourself that you're one of the MANY that use opiates responsibly without major consequences. People like you are an antidote to anti-opiate propaganda.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hello Cliffy78,

One of the reasons I decided to post my story online is because I couldn't find any similar stories. I've come across a few on message boards about opiates being the only effective medications for depression, but they're rare. A google search will only bring up "OPIATES CAUSE DEPRESSION" articles and stories. It's pathetic and a crock of shit, if you ask me.

I am very worried about the expense, however. I make very good money (70k is my salary), so the level I'm at right now…3-6 bags a day is sustainable. But any more than that wouldn't fall into my budget. I'm not sure what is going to happen with my tolerance. My tolerance was soooo high naturally to begin with, that it worries me. However, in my case, I'm not "chasing a high". So long as the depression goes away when I shoot up, I'll be okay. Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it's not working. Only time will tell!

*I educated myself a lot about the different medications I've tried. I'm well aware of the interactions of buprenorphine and heroin. I never have bupe in my system when I use heroin.

 

[cassandra7946]

Hello Cliffy78,

One of the reasons I decided to post my story online is because I couldn't find any similar stories. I've come across a few on message boards about opiates being the only effective medications for depression, but they're rare. A google search will only bring up "OPIATES CAUSE DEPRESSION" articles and stories. It's pathetic and a crock of shit, if you ask me.

I am very worried about the expense, however. I make very good money (70k is my salary), so the level I'm at right now…3-6 bags a day is sustainable. But any more than that wouldn't fall into my budget. I'm not sure what is going to happen with my tolerance. My tolerance was soooo high naturally to begin with, that it worries me. However, in my case, I'm not "chasing a high". So long as the depression goes away when I shoot up, I'll be okay. Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it's not working. Only time will tell!

*I educated myself a lot about the different medications I've tried. I'm well aware of the interactions of buprenorphine and heroin. I never have bupe in my system when I use heroin.