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Opiates and Addiction

lightitup

lightitup

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 16, 2006
Messages
423
Location
Terrapin Station
I have never ventured into this section of bluelight really, as it depresses me when I am high :P...but I didn't know where else to put this, and it seems like everyone in here is so nice and helpful...Please move it to the appropriate thread if something like it already exists.

I recently got off of a little stint with opiates, which was a roughly 4 month ride with varying degrees of using. It started with me getting high with opiates from mild surgery. Then I found a friend who could get expensive 80's, and then another buddy who would throw them at me like candy. At the peak I would just go through 80-120mg in a day, which I know isn't a lot to some of you but it felt like a lot at the time. I was snorting, smoking, eating it. Finally I convinced myself I needed to cut back a little for tolerance, and I was "nodding" 3-4 times a day. So I took a week off, and rewarded myself with more...

This time I was doing it a lot as well, and ran through pills really quick. Ended up in the hospital with migraines after a really bad all night binge. They gave me opiates for pain, which I consumed quickly. I was having rebound pain from them, so I decided to stop using them for a while. It has been about 4 days since I took anything, which was a pretty low dose of hydrocodone.

The thing is, I know that my headaches will go away, and I will want more opiates. It may be days, or it may be years, the second I get a vicodin or something in my system I know I will just chase the nod. Opiates have such a dark hook for me, and possibly everyone who uses them, and it just kind of scares me. It feels like I still want opiates, and if I drink and like that(too much), or crash at some point emotionally, it will be back to these suckers.

I just wanted to ramble a little, and ask how people deal with this. Yes, maybe I could use responsibly one day, but that is so fucking hard once you get a taste...It might just be a small case of PAWS, but I just am confused about how I am going to deal with a huge want for something that just doesn't seem to go away. I am only 20, and it is tough to imagine I will never use opiates for my life, at some point I can guarantee a doctor will prescribe me something...

Thanks to anyone who reads, or has any words of wisdom. :)
 
Don't mean to bump after a day I just feel very lonely and depressed. It has been almost a week since I used any opiates, and my friends are grabbing a bunch of stuff in a few days, and I am scared I will just have it shoved in my face again. It is almost like I subconciously want to be pushed into being a junkie...it really scares me :/
 
I dont know I've never been addicted to anything but if you truly want to quit being addicted to things you need to get new friends that don't use. You need to get healthy hobbies, how about going to college, or start lifting weights, jogging and swimming. You gotta change your whole paradigm or thing will never change.
 
Thanks for replying :) It feels good just to know people still care...

The thing is that 99% of my friends don't use any opiates, and think that I just dabble occasionally. I have one friend who uses heavily, who doesn't know my other friends, and then dealers who push it on you almost. I go to school, I live my life, try to jog or hike often. I have many hobbies, and am really a psychonaut at heart. I have had incredibly earth-shattering (my hardest trips) during this period, almost hoping they would make me realize something about it, but it has not come yet....

I could abstain from opiates for 2 years I feel like if I really wanted to, I just couldn't let myself slip. After abstaining from them, I can tell it isn't like I need them, but it is like I want to go farther into this hole. I want to get that nod back, even if just for an hour. My concern is what about in 10 years when I break a finger, and I get percocet for my pain....

It is like once I get a small taste they hook me HARD, and this time I got away pretty quickly but I am just so scared for the future...
 
I've gone through similar periods as you - minus the medical purposes. But I guess I would be on 80 - 120 (sometimes 160)mg a day for 4 months. Sure there was a day here and there where I wasn't on them, but yeah.

To be honest, opiates had that dark hook in me too. And I would get those massive migraines from a binge; I'd wake up at like 10am at my girlfriend's house, my head feeling like it would RIP APART. I think "holy sweet flying fuck I need to kill this pain NOW" - yet my nose is all stuffed up from snorting everyday for how long...I couldn't snort it if I tried. So I'd eat 20mg, and just lay there (with my head on one side so I could purposely clear one nostril for snorting), waiting for it to go away, when it did I'd grind up 40mg and put it right up the nose b4 it clogged up again.

God that was a rough time - for me at least.

I know what you mean by the whole, once the headaches are gone you'll try to catch a nod - or as soon as you get a taste you're chasing it. That shit is hard to break. I honestly thought I couldn't do it. I'd go like 10 days, 2 weeks MAX without doing it, then I'd go back, binge for a week, and then go back into w/d.

The one way I stopped, which in my opinion were just changes in my environmental conditions. My steady link caught some heat, so now she'll rarely move anything at all. And if she does, its like 2x40mg. Maybe 3. And that was per month - only to me. My other link (also addicted and a dealer) - I told him straight up - "bro, you can't spot me this amount anymore, you just can't. I can't keep doing this, and racking up debt to you" (he'd spot me with like, no limit. But I'm sure if my tab hit $1000 he'd draw the line). Then his connections dried up for a bit. So really, the only thing that made me break the addiction was these things. If my supply didn't drastically decrease or disappear, I'd probably still be a junkie right now.

In the past 2 months I've used no more than 200mg..nice.

EDIT

I feel you on the "10 years down the road" thing. I worry about that too. I'm like that with ANY kind of abuse-able prescription drug I get. Start off fine for 2 days. But then I'd have that taste. And the whole month script would be gone in a few days.

The only advice I can seriously give to you on that is - if and when - you hurt something and get prescribed opiates. Give them to somebody (living with you - hopefully). Tell them to regulate your dose. You go to them twice, or 3 times daily to get your medicated dose. Sounds annoying - but ask yourself this - would you rather be annoyed/irritated by doing this, or be a junkie - you choose.
 
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many many many people feel exactly like this. once you love opiates, its all over. like really they will completely control your feelings and desires. you just have to learn to say no. like it sounds stupid but thats the one thing. learn to get high of life. its basically impossible. and not much can compare to some good dope. but its a long learning process.

i will eat pills the second i get them. i mean like im putting them in my mouth before getting out of the dealers car. and i have literally never had any in my posession without taking them within 5 minutes, unless i already am high.

good luck man
 
Ah, fuck I hope that isn't the way it is...once you love opiates, it's all over. I mean not in a depressing way, but I can see it down the road, if I love them now I will always love them. Hell, if I stopped jerking off for 10 years, I would probably want to jerk it every single day still...

Thanks for the help everyone! These posts really helped, and as I was calling a friend who told me he just got 10/325's, I managed to abstain...who knows where it will go in the future but for now I am feeling a lot better. :)
 
it's not all over. eventually you will hit bottom and hopefully that will break the cycle. the only thing that got me sober from them (for like 7 months) was losing a lot of shit and ending up in rehab. it just scared me straight for quite a while.

obviously i don't want anything bad to have to happen for you to want to not be an opiate fiend. however, for me and for so many i read about on here, it's how it works. taper down, avoid your withdrawals, and just try to forget the drug. i can't think of any other way to quit without, again, some sort of traumatic experience.
 
i think you should not be thinking 10 years ahead at this point just try to focus on now day by day u will drive urself nuts if you keep thinking bout 10 years from now take me for example 2day is my 5th day clean n im bugging out because i know even in 6 months or a year i still wont feel right its so fucking hard but u know wut we just happened to make a mistake in life we shouldnt punish ourselves for it for the rest of our lifes basically my advice is dont worry bout ten years from now just hav fun now : )
 
need help

I know there is an addiction help site on here, but I can't find anyone online. I have been doing about 1.5 lbs. of poppy seeds for 6 months, and have tried several times to go off. Yesterday, I tried again. Didn't sleep last night, RLS, sweats, cold, headache, gut ache. Today I was hyperventilating, throwing up and just plan aweful. Went to get some seeds, but a lesser amount. Has helped a bit. How the hell to people get through this? I already started WD the second day! I do have benzo's which help a bit, that are prescribed but don't want to take too many. Just need someone to talk to.... I feel so fucked up... But I want to get off this shit. Thanks
 
lightitup said:
Ah, fuck I hope that isn't the way it is...once you love opiates, it's all over. I mean not in a depressing way, but I can see it down the road, if I love them now I will always love them. Hell, if I stopped jerking off for 10 years, I would probably want to jerk it every single day still...

Thanks for the help everyone! These posts really helped, and as I was calling a friend who told me he just got 10/325's, I managed to abstain...who knows where it will go in the future but for now I am feeling a lot better. :)
Click to expand...

Good job with abstaining! It's hard to say no when they are soooo easy to get. I have been feeling pretty hopeless recently about that I would just WANT to be on opiates all the time forever. That it would never end and I would always just be fighting that feeling for the rest of my life. Something strange happened though. It was kindof building up to this without me noticing, but it finally clicked in my brain recently that I am tired of being high. I don't like it anymore. After like 15 years of use. It's crazy........I had this amazing morning with my family, hiking and having breakfast. I had taken a "get well" dose of an opiate with a much longer half life than my typical DOC like last night and woke up this morning, not high and not sick. Clearly not sober, since I had opiates in my system but, like I said, not high and I was shocked at how much I enjoyed everything because I wasn't in this fog. I used to not be able to stand having a sober state of mind, now I crave it. I hope I can get into a treatment program soon.....I'm afraid that my mindset will start craving that opiate fog again.

I don't know where it will go in the future, either, for people like us. But I think there is hope <3 Good job, again, with abstaining!

To poppy flower: There is a link at the top of the first page for the TDS forum that says: Treatment and Hotline Information that might have something helpful for you. There are a lot of addiction links if you click the "Threads of Interest" link, also at the top of the TDS forum home page. Opiate withdrawal sucks so bad, I know!!! There are threads out there with advice for quitting or tapering more comfortably and most of the advice is really good.
 
Its true, the taste of opiate never fully leaves.

When you seen the top of the mountain, it burns a spot in your memory. You say to yourself, boy that sure is the prettiest thing I ever seen before.

Then you have the hard fall down from the mountain, this is the withdrawal.

Once on the ground, you cant help but occasionally look up at the mountain peak and say , boy I sure would like to go back up there again.

The cycle repeats.

To break the cycle, you need to hit a bottom, rock bottom. Some people realize this before hand and change on their own.

You need to get rid of your friends, the environment you're in, the way of thinking.


I'm currently going through the same thing. I'm looking at this beautiful view from atop of the opiate mountain, knowing that soon I be falling down (withdrawal) too.

God, I tell myself I never go through withdrawals ever again, but here I am.

I beg two of my friends so I can pick up a month's stash of Oxy so I can withdrawal from. I finish the first stash, and am almost done the second. These were suppose to be used to help me off of them. Yet I have to tell them how mess up everything is.

You don't want to deal with stuff like this.

Turn back before it too late.
 
Once you get that "all is well feeling", it's extremely hard to forget.:\

I am also there with you, about an 80 a day.
 
dude ive been to rehab 2 times and jaill three times because of opiates. stole from my parents and friends, i have people wanting to kill me right now, i had to leave state. its not worth it . i feel like shit . i feel guilty. i feel regret. all day everyday thats what i feel. now if your sober you feel passion you feel hope you feel HAPPY. opiates will strip you of all the good things, and leave you with a empty shell of a soul. they seem fun at the time. but when you dont have them its bad news.

Opiate addiction consists of "RUNS" you are still on your first. eventually something will happen and you will have to get clean, then you will relapse. then you will be on your second RUN. it gets worse. after every run you start using more and more. eventually you hit a hard rock bottom. or even death. maybe then you will realize. im on about my 4th run now. i dont think i can make it past seven runs if i decide to keep using. im 5 days clean right now, and really have no plans on using. i dont want to start another RUN. because i know it will be worse than my last.

i started off on vicoden then oxy. was doing 60 mg of hydro three times daily. and 80mg of oxy three times daily. then i started using heroin. thats when i started getting really evil. thats when you start meeting really evil people, and seeing fucked up shit.. but when your in your addiction you dont care. i got to about a gram of H a day. not to bad for some people.

its common sense man. to be a junkie or not. that is the question

goodluck, because you will need it.
 
Wow, thanks everyone in this thread. I feel like "runs" are the best way to describe them, although this could be my second then...I did try H during this, and got incredibly high. It was nice, but I personally liked the oxy more.

I am 9 days without using, and am tapering off my benzo's and am currently at .5mg klonopin daily. I'm starting to feel better, although it's a tough world. I went through a few really bad sleepless nights, and foodless(mostly, could hardly stomach it) days.

Support through this community is helping the most. Thanks everyone <3
 
All i can say is if you are able to stop using, like you do, with minimul physical symptoms and then it is mental urges which lead you to use again, then you are an a great point to stop.

For me I have found the physical side so hard, that I haven't even got to the mental stage again in ages (since I first started up again 2 years ago).

I am struggling so so hard just to get off the stuff, that I haven't really even considered PAWS etc yet. Literally in 2 years now, there hasn't been a day without some opiates. Most of those days heroin (like £40 - £80 worth (how the FxxK did I afford that with no job??! )

My record was 34 hours, about 2 weeks ago, where I was in so much physical pain I gave in.

You are in a good position man, use it to your advantage.
 
it is a very hard habit to stop but no one said it was going to be easy.
it is a progressive fatal disease that will eventually fuck you.
something WILL happen whether its getting arrested, shot, overdosed,
or any other fucked up situation we put ourselves in. something will
eventually happen and it's up to you to put your well being above and beyond
the psychological hold of a superficial numbness. every "run" puts you further and
greater in harms way. no one said it is going to be easy, but you can do it.
 
Well, I relapsed a little...

But, after a binge I ended up with another TERRIBLE fucking migraine. It was horrible pain for 4 hours at least, until I took some Rx'd nausea medicine, and was able to keep food down. As much as it sucks that I ran back to that demon, I think my body just won't allow for opiates...

I was so close to going to the hospital for migraines again, but luckily pushed through. My body just won't allow me to do these...so I guess I kind of have an excuse now. :/
 
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Get off the opiates now. Trust me. I haven't had a big habit for years and they still haunt me. My relapses now are much shorter and less frequent, however the pyschological withdrawals are way worse. It really fucks me up mentally for days after, even if the physical stuff isn't that bad.

You are on a very very dangerous path right now, you will regret it if you continue.

With Opiates its all about the mental effects. The physical stuff really sucks, however the psychological effects are what make it very difficult to stay off.

Anyways the cravings get much easier over time. After awhile you stop thinking about it as much.

Nice avatar and location as well ;)
 
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