So, I went to my dentist's appointment today, and he had to drill and fill a problem molar on my right side. It is approx. the third time in as many years I have had this done, in an effort to save the tooth, and if I lose the filling again, it may be time to pull it and get yet another implant. The reason for this is that, every time I lose the filling, I also lose a bit more of the tooth itself along with it, and it is getting down to the nub stage. No sweat, I've had three implants already, and will probably need even more of them when it's all said and done.
So anyhow, he prescribed me #6 Lortab 10/500s, and I have eaten two of them today. Being that I am now opiate naive, I have felt blissed-out all afternoon and evening, the first time in about two and a half months. I just feel so, so, so good. Scarily good. Like, "remembering why I was addicted to this crap for five years" good. The two today were necessary to alleviate the pain, as it was an extremely deep filling, but tomorrow morning I am going to take only a half of one and then put them aside. Maybe. 8)
Why can't I ever feel this good naturally? I mean, I do feel good a lot of the time, and "OK" most of the time, but...this feeling is so intense and awesome. I have boundless energy, enthusiasm, and joy. If not for my predilection towards addiction and my past history, I would at least become a weekend warrior with opis, just to experience this wonderfulness. But, to do so would be composed completely of fail, as I KNOW it would turn into twice a week, then every other day, then daily. It would lead to my spending all my money on the shit and panicking when I can't find anything, and being dopesick at least a day or two out of the week, and having to drag my sorry withdrawing ass into work, and neglecting my responsibilities, and losing all my hard-fought-and-won self respect.
And then I'd decide I'd had enough and have to go through withdrawals again. I am serious that I do not know whether I could ever go through that agony again. My cold turkey withdrawal was, by far, the worst I have ever felt, both physically and mentally. Worse than any of the horrendous strep throats I'd get as a kid, worse than when I was 5 and had the measles along with a temp of 105, worse than the postpartum depression I had after the birth of Son One.
If I ever got hooked again, I could very well lose the man I love, or at the very least, put a lot of unneeded strain on our relationship. The man despises drugs; he has been through his own personal hell with his kids and their opiate addictions, their on and off Suboxone treatments and the criminal activity in which they often have engaged around the pills they love to do. I cannot put him through any more of that. we have such big plans, and a life to live together. Neither of us are getting any younger, and addicted years would be wasted years. In addition, I really want to become a PA, and I'd never be given a DEA number to write scrips if something went wrong and I got caught with pills that were not mine.
So many, many reasons to stay off this shit.
If only they did not make me feel like a gazillion dollars.
Oh well. I need buku dental work and probably will require another wrist surgery down the road, so I'll stick to legal, medical, occasional use. It will be something to look forward to every once in awhile. Still and all, kinda sad. Some folks look forward to going skiing or going to Bermuda once a year, and here I am looking forward to root canals and tendinitis exams!
But, it's better than being a raging, outta control addict, so I will just accept it for how it is and carry on.
In the meantime, I can't wait for my morning jet fuel combo of hydro, black coffee, and a cig. What a great start to a work day! Breakfast of champions!
Blessings and Peace to all y'all...
JAC
So anyhow, he prescribed me #6 Lortab 10/500s, and I have eaten two of them today. Being that I am now opiate naive, I have felt blissed-out all afternoon and evening, the first time in about two and a half months. I just feel so, so, so good. Scarily good. Like, "remembering why I was addicted to this crap for five years" good. The two today were necessary to alleviate the pain, as it was an extremely deep filling, but tomorrow morning I am going to take only a half of one and then put them aside. Maybe. 8)
Why can't I ever feel this good naturally? I mean, I do feel good a lot of the time, and "OK" most of the time, but...this feeling is so intense and awesome. I have boundless energy, enthusiasm, and joy. If not for my predilection towards addiction and my past history, I would at least become a weekend warrior with opis, just to experience this wonderfulness. But, to do so would be composed completely of fail, as I KNOW it would turn into twice a week, then every other day, then daily. It would lead to my spending all my money on the shit and panicking when I can't find anything, and being dopesick at least a day or two out of the week, and having to drag my sorry withdrawing ass into work, and neglecting my responsibilities, and losing all my hard-fought-and-won self respect.
And then I'd decide I'd had enough and have to go through withdrawals again. I am serious that I do not know whether I could ever go through that agony again. My cold turkey withdrawal was, by far, the worst I have ever felt, both physically and mentally. Worse than any of the horrendous strep throats I'd get as a kid, worse than when I was 5 and had the measles along with a temp of 105, worse than the postpartum depression I had after the birth of Son One.
If I ever got hooked again, I could very well lose the man I love, or at the very least, put a lot of unneeded strain on our relationship. The man despises drugs; he has been through his own personal hell with his kids and their opiate addictions, their on and off Suboxone treatments and the criminal activity in which they often have engaged around the pills they love to do. I cannot put him through any more of that. we have such big plans, and a life to live together. Neither of us are getting any younger, and addicted years would be wasted years. In addition, I really want to become a PA, and I'd never be given a DEA number to write scrips if something went wrong and I got caught with pills that were not mine.
So many, many reasons to stay off this shit.
If only they did not make me feel like a gazillion dollars.
Oh well. I need buku dental work and probably will require another wrist surgery down the road, so I'll stick to legal, medical, occasional use. It will be something to look forward to every once in awhile. Still and all, kinda sad. Some folks look forward to going skiing or going to Bermuda once a year, and here I am looking forward to root canals and tendinitis exams!
But, it's better than being a raging, outta control addict, so I will just accept it for how it is and carry on.
In the meantime, I can't wait for my morning jet fuel combo of hydro, black coffee, and a cig. What a great start to a work day! Breakfast of champions!
Blessings and Peace to all y'all...
JAC