"Opiate" poetry (first time trying to write)

[BurnedMan]

What's up guys? First I'd like to clear up that English isn't my first language.
This is also my first poem about anything, mostly just trying my hand at poetry.
I've been using pharmaceutical opiates since 2010 and I've had my fair share of euphoria, withdrawal, etc. I also wrote a second poem about addiction but I'm not done yet.
Any constructive input will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.


Opiate

Finally, the opiate fully hits the liver,
Anticipation... relief, and a little shiver,
No more nausea, craving and feeling cold,
The magical euphoria will soon take a hold.

I am waiting...waiting. The symptoms almost gone.
I can feel the relief, soon I won't be alone.
My body starts to feel like a beautiful summer's day,
The euphoria soon appears... to take my pain away.

If only everyday I could feel like this,
The warm, beautiful, heavenly bliss,
I bet I could take the world away...
I'm sure I would always seize the day...

But the feeling, the feeling is just too sweet,
And truthfully there's truly nothing quite like it...
Do you know what that's like, my dearest friend?
You begin to truly wish, that it would never end...

The peaceful nod soon settles in...
I think to myself- where the hell have I been?!
This reality shatters... life is only a light beam,
A perfect world instead appears, as I begin to dream.

In this world all is well, there's no need to worry,
Just imagine something, and make up a story.
So vivid, so lucid, yet so fake...
The human mind ain't used to this feeling so great.

When everything is all over, done and said,
I get up slowly, and crawl back to bed,
I sleep instantly, like a dead man,
...Tomorrow I will get up and do it all over again.

 

[BurnedMan]

Bleh, 100+ views and no replies. I guess it just sounds corny cause it rhymes. Well, it was worth a first try. Sorry for the double post, mods....

 

[ForEverAfter]

Take out the rhymes. They aren't helping.

Focus instead on word choice and readability.

Rewrite.

 

[BurnedMan]

I have another one about addiction but that too rhymes. Do you think these would be any worth as rap songs? lol.

 

[ForEverAfter]

The issue is not whether or not they rhyme, though poems with poetic devices and structural limitations are harder to compose. The problem with amateur, budding, or inexperienced poets - more often then not - is the tendency to prioritize the rhyme over the rest of the poem, especially if you have limited time when you're writing. Say, for example, you decide that you're going to use the classic end-rhyme style with an AABB rhyme scheme. You're either going to want to maintain a consistent syllabic rhythm throughout the entire poem, or use other poetic devices - such as meter and alliteration - but, I'd recommend starting with syllabic. For non-rhyming poems, you don't need to conform to any structural templates. That's why I said to take out the rhyme.

With syllabic poems, you have to maintain a certain number of syllables per line: line three of every stanza, for example, must consist of twelve syllables; and, line seven of every stanza, must have fourteen. If you do this perfectly, the end-rhymes will be amplified/highlighted by the beat of the stanzas and you don't have to compromise anything about the original.

Syllabic..............Stanzas...............................................................Rhyme
Count.................& Lines..............................................................Scheme

13.....................Finally, the opiate fully hits the liver.........................A
13.....................Anticipation... relief, and a little shiver......................A
11.....................No more nausea, craving or feeling cold....................B
13.....................The magical euphoria will soon take a hold................B
12.....................waiting. waiting. symptoms almost gone...................C1*
12.....................I can feel the relief, soon I won't be alone.................C2*
14.....................My body starts to feel like a beautiful summer's day...D
14.....................The euphoria soon appears... to take my pain away...D

*Imperfect rhyme (gone/alone). Either word can be intentionally mispronounced so that it appears to rhyme, but this type of corner-cutting techniques should be avoided at all costs. Another frequent example is substituting words - or parts of words - for apostrophes, in order to better meet the syllabic count. Remember, the rhyme must fit comfortably, on it's own. Otherwise it shouldn't be there. Forcing it in place, as if jamming non-adjacent jigsaw pieces together, will render the entire poem sterile.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

I agree with 4EA's posts so far, but I'd like to point something out.

Just a note: In musical terms, there's no difference, meter-wise, between a quarter note, two 8th notes, or 4 16th notes. So you can get away with a lot more syllables if you know what you're doing.