Opening Old Wounds

[birdup.snaildown]

My ex-wife had a mental breakdown fuelled by drugs about 10 years ago, give or take. She had become increasingly unstable leading up to the event, but she was taking a lot of drugs. I didn't predict the outcome. I wonder sometimes if it was somehow my fault for not reaching out to someone, but she was always a strange woman. The breakdown was sudden, but the changes in her personality leading up to it were gradual over the course of years. I don't think it was my fault. We both were super unstable. It was an explosive relationship. The first couple of years were as intensely wonderful as the last couple were horrible.

I haven't spoken to her for about 8 years. My brother is still in contact with her. He is married to her cousin. They live on the other side of the world. I hardly speak to him either, but I've been trying to fix that because (although we don't get along too well) he is my brother and we used to be close. We've both got kids now. It's not fair for a grudge to prevent my daughter seeing her cousin. So, we've started talking.

My ex-wife got re-married and has a bunch of kids. I've know about this for a couple of years now. When I found out, I was happy for her. The way things ended between us was super traumatic. There was never really any closure for me and I always wondered if she ever recovered. I used to have nightmares about it. So when I found out she moved on and found someone and had kids, that was exactly what I wanted to hear.

I don't blame her for the way things ended. I was relieved when she asked me for a divorce a decade ago, because being in that relationship was too difficult for me to handle. It was too crazy. The world was never big enough for the two of us to co-exist.

I've moved on too. Now I'm in a stable relationship and I have kids.

My brother told me last week that my ex-wife's husband died.

Today he sent me a message saying she asked him to pass her number on to me. Apparently she said something about wanting to "clear the air". I asked him if he found out yet how he died. He replied with a one word message. Suicide.

So now I'm thinking she probably never recovered. Her relationships before me were all toxic. Maybe her second marriage was toxic, too. I want to believe that she got over us and that she's happy, but how could she be happy?

Why does she want to talk to me now?
What does "clear the air" mean?

I'm going to have nightmares about this if I don't talk to her. Maybe talking to her will give me the closure I desperately need, but maybe it will make it worse.

I don't know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 521610]

Clear the air usually means no one else will listen to said women anymore so they will try find somebody will do.

I assume she thinks you are probably the only person in the world left who has some sort of feeling or care for her. I assume it will be hard for her but in my experince some people never change and will always be toxic.

Alot of kiwi women are toxic imo. Not all but alot are very toxic to their own friends and spouses. I assume she probably has not many friends in her life that will talk to her?

If you choose to talk to her don't let her try twist your feelings manipulate you to feel bad or anything she is the toxic one and people don't just kill themselves for no reasons if they have kids and a wife said relationship must of been super toxic and abusive for the poor dude.

Tread carefully it will hurt talking to her again and if she is just coming out toxic again then it will just hurt more. If she is sincere and apologists for the past then maybe that will bring closure but its 50/50.

I would maybe just hear her out and see how it is since she is still a person and things will be tough for her and her kids. Maybe she wants somebody to talk/cry to.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

I contacted her.

She actually apologised!
Old wounds healed.
Time to move on.

 

[deficiT]

Glad to hear you were able to have a good conversation with your ex-wife. Those heartbreaking wounds are surely slow to heal.

In regards to your OP, try and avoid shouldering any blame on how things went down, thinking you could have done something different. You were a younger person then, and people don't always behave in the most perfect ways when in extraordinary situations. It sounds like you did everything you could to be a decent person about it.