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Open Relationships/ Friends with Benefits

im not saying everyone here has to have a monogamous relationship, dont have one if you dont want one, have all the multiple partners you want. Im just standing up for the idea of monogamy being outdated and impossible.
 
peepsqueek1 said:
and any relationship that would involve infidelity with me would automaticly end forever.
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as well it should, but open relationships aren't immune to cheating. individuals in open relationships set up boundries just as you would in a monogomous relationship. the boundries are just different.

peepsqueek1 said:
Im just standing up for the idea of monogamy being outdated and impossible.
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i don't think anyone was saying it is...

i've stated this in threads before, but when it comes down to it, all anyone should be concerned about is their own lives and personally resolve the issue of monogomy as being something some people do and something others don't do.
 
I am still very open to the idea of sharing myself and a primary significant other physically with others. But, I am starting to realize that without a real sense of trust or openess with that same other I can not let my emotional attachment fall to the wayside.

I think I need that one truly stable and totally honest primary emotional and intellectual connection.

My views on this are a work in progress.

Strangely enough, sex is now a surperfluous side to the primary dish. At least for me right now.
 
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Do you think that is because you are are heterosexual?

I say this seriously and with the upmost of respect.

I am starting to think this idea of a primarily exclusive emotional and physical attachement is genetically encoded in many of us from the get go.

When one is young, one can be wild. But, soon enough, the oats are sowed and one settles down. Settling down is different than settling of course.

:)
 
Could be. From what I've witnessed homosexuals seem to be more flexible with relationships and monogamy than heterosexuals. That's not to say they all are, but I've definitely seen a trend of what constitutes being monogamous and faithful interpreted more freely among homosexuals than heterosexuals. Everything ranging from kissing someone other than your SO to "emotional cheating" with someone other than your SO to outright cheating and being forgiven by your SO to simply sharing your SO with others.
 
Agreed. I wonder if that is partially affected by their socialization and/or related the the hypersexual focus of that culture and possibly their self identity.

As a relatively open bisexual lover I struggle with this all the time.
 
hyroller said:
in my ripe old age.
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:) hahahahahaha...damn gal.

I've never had an open relationship that's been classed as such - although if I think about it, I'm kinda in one now - my friend, who I love dearly, is my closest confidante, my lover, my friend. We talk about our love lifes away from each other, we talk pretty much everyday (for the past 2 years), and we were officially a couple for 3 months, before I decided we should be lovers and friends, but not actually together.

It works nicely. We share each other's emotional burdens, when I'm with her I help out with her kids, and around the house, and we help each other out financially sometimes...and we fuck a fair amount, really great sex. We see each other people though, and whilst a lil bit of jealousy arises in both of us, when we talk about people we're seeing, we both know we don't want to be together as a couple, so the situation is ideal.

When we've thought about it too much on numerous occasions, we've both said to each other "I don't think we should fuck each other anymore", but as soon as we see each other, it' only a matter of hour before I'm sliding up inside her whispering dirty things in her ear.

We share intimacy, but not really during sex - where it just becomes animal.

The other day, when we were talking about a guy she's seeing, I said he should ask permission to play my drum, which she carried on as "and so he should ask your permission to fuck me?"...I half-joked yes.

GenericMind said:
I don't think I could share anyone I really cared about with anyone else.
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I think that's an animal instinct thing - as a guy with testosterone running through ya, you feel anyone that you're seeing, or have recently seen, and see value in, is "yours".
 
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Agreed. I wonder if that is partially affected by their socialization and/or related the the hypersexual focus of that culture and possibly their self identity.

As a relatively open bisexual lover I struggle with this all the time.
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I've always attributed it to theories of deviance. A person commits an act against social norms(homosexuality) and is socially punished for it, in this case by being labelled a sexual deviant. The longer someone is punished for a deviant behavior the more they come to resent the punishers, accept their role as a deviant, and start to adopt behaviors of the deviant label.

So, it doesn't surprise me that a community of people that has been repressed into thinking they're sexual deviants by most of society for so long would exhibit other behaviors that society would expect a sexual deviant to exhibit, in this case taking a more flexible stance on monogamy and promiscuity.

And like you mentioned about the hypersexual focus of the gay community, when the entire world forces you to identify yourself almost entirely by your sexual preference as is the case with homosexuals, it's going to be pretty damn not hard not to focus a lot on it yourself.
 
I've been in what should be called an open relationship since I was *gee* while my first term of university. Still in it. We met cause we where the only two people in the lecture wearing armed forces uniforces lol.

Its never been overly dramatic. (We have hadfights, but so does everyone) and we're still really good friends and see each other EVERY day. (probably cause we work in the same building...)

She is hella kinky and that makes for for fun. (and Bi to boot!...her 'main' lover is female ATM) but we never have any drama over emotionally charged subjects. We just expect each other to avoid risky sexual activity/drug use and to get tested frequently. I think we can trust each other on that, as we did end up getting shot at together in the war, if ya can someone to take a bound of a rock into the path of PKM for you, you can trust em to use a rubber I think.
 
I am with the man of my dreams, and I would do anything for him, and he is my world. That said, I believe having a friend with benefits is like having a glorified vibrator. But, my fiance is the jealous type. Our relationship started out as "friends with benefits", and he claimed he was ok with me seeing other people. Then it was other people my age. Then it was only other females my age. Then it was only people my age that would suck him off. So, with the rules always changing, it seems like I'm always hurting him without ever intending to. He gets hurt by me even talking to guys, while I view sex as a physical behavior. I see kissing, hugging, holding as a more intimate act than penetration. However, sex can lead to deeper feelings, like it did _THANKFULLY!!!_ with my fiance and I. I can see why he gets jealous, and I respect that because I love him so much. It is only okay to have an open relationship if BOTH partners are completely ok with it.
 
Eh, it is the nature of being. At least when one can not move past that feeling intellectually.

I wonder if people that can spread themselves around--physically and emotionally--are advantaged in some respects, but stunted in others.

Deep one into one pair bonds have a place, but so do long term friendships with a dallop of sex on top.

I'm sure that most folks mileage will vary.
 
It's interesting, I saw this thread and assumed it was a new one then found it was started in 2010, and saw my own post in there before I broke up with my ex (monogamous) and met my current bfriend (open). I've also noticed some other b'lighters posting in 2010 who now seem to have gotten into the lifestyle since...

So, I'll attempt to answer Monkeybizness's original questions with my newly found experiences:
ARE YOU REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP? Yes, very much so, for nearly a year and a half now.
DO YOU REALLY TAKE IT SERIOUSLY? Yes, there's a very high level of communication and commitment.
DO YOU CARE FOR THE PERSON (LOVE)? Yes, very much deeply in love - in fact my friend commented yesterday that I seem so much more in love with my current man that I did with my ex who I was with for nearly 5 years...
I dont understand how you can be with a person you love and BE OK WITH SHARING HIM/HER. well... I think for me true love is letting the other person express his sexuality and having his freedom. I know I also feel loved and grateful for this. You can simply decide that for you sexual exclusivity isn't a pre-requisite for a close romantic relationship.
Of course we still get jealous, but being able to talk about our insecurities, being supportive and honest through this and negotiating boundaries can bring you closer.

Then I found my own question, and I'd like to answer my younger self... I was wondering how the arrangement would work if you're living together, and I haven't yet had to face this scenario, but now I think I understand that if you talk about it and have an arrangement in place you both agree to, it shouldn't really be a source of tension. Really, we just argue about the same stuff other couples argue about. I'd say since the relationship and commitment have been in place, most of our disagreements have had nothing to do with our other sexual partners.
 
^^ I was about to ask if you live with your BF, lola. I take it you don't, then?

For me, no way in hell I'd go for an open relationship. To me, sex/intimacy is a private part of a relationship, and if I give it up to someone, I am really into him and I want him to feel the same for me. Doesn't always work as planned, and I've been fucked over bad before and it's affected my trust levels. I've been done dirty, and it happened with someone I really loved and cared about, so trusting anyone on the topic of sex is not really my strong suit. I do not separate sex from emotions, so for someone like me who only sleeps with men with whom I'm attached or feel connected, I feel if he is sleeping with someone else, he isn't really into me all that much. I want to be #1 to someone in the same way they are #1 with me. In my world, sex is with someone special, so having an open relationship would mean that I'm not really that special to my SO. That's not what I want. So, that leaves open relationships out.
 
I feel the same way about the emotional connection I have with someone I care deeply about.

If in an open relationship, I can totally let go the occasional straying, provided my significant/primary other is honest about their intentions or motivations from the get go.

What kills me is dishonest interactions motivated by seemingly good intentions or manipulative ploys to stoke my jealousy or ire. People that play that game on me get shamed in due time and due course.

I've done it more than once. So, I am starting to believe I have yet to meet my ideal match. I'm in no hurry though, so all is well for now.

:)
 
Lysis said:
^^ I was about to ask if you live with your BF, lola. I take it you don't, then?

For me, no way in hell I'd go for an open relationship. To me, sex/intimacy is a private part of a relationship, and if I give it up to someone, I am really into him and I want him to feel the same for me. Doesn't always work as planned, and I've been fucked over bad before and it's affected my trust levels. I've been done dirty, and it happened with someone I really loved and cared about, so trusting anyone on the topic of sex is not really my strong suit. I do not separate sex from emotions, so for someone like me who only sleeps with men with whom I'm attached or feel connected, I feel if he is sleeping with someone else, he isn't really into me all that much. I want to be #1 to someone in the same way they are #1 with me. In my world, sex is with someone special, so having an open relationship would mean that I'm not really that special to my SO. That's not what I want. So, that leaves open relationships out.
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I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling this way. I guess for me it's all about what sex means to you. If you need a deep emotional connection with someone to sleep with them and sexual exclusivity to feel safe, fine, and monogamy works well for most people. I'd like to qualify here that I've never cheated and never (to the best of my knowledge) been cheated on. I am 100% honest and expect the same; I think of open relationships as the opposite of "doing dirty". In my 9 years in total of being in monogamous relationships I was always faithful, but felt somehow restless, repressed and that something was missing in my life regardless of how much I loved the person I was with. I thrive on excitement and novelty and find the buzz of casual sex something I crave from time to time. I need variety to be fulfilled. And being allowed to have it in my life within the framework of a loving, stable relationship - and able to understand my partner's need for other sexual partners - works for us.

We don't live together but I really don't think it'd be an issue tbh, just maybe more negotiation. We try to avoid spending the night with our other sexual partners where possible anyway (e.g. if they live in the same area they don't sleep over, only if they're from out of town). And it'll just mean we'd have to spend the night at their place, or synchronise it so one person is out while the other has a visitor. It only happens every few weeks or so, anyway... don't think it'd be a major issue.

As for being #1, there isn't much doubt because we're so devoted to each other and the sex we have is extremely hot anyway, we also share some of our lovers. So I don't have jealousy about him finding other women more attractive, it's just different. I guess the question is, do you need sexual exclusivity to feel like you're #1? Sex is only one of the many things you and your partner do together, and in some ways I find expecting him to do it only with me a bit like expecting him never to go for dinner/watch a film or whatever it is you do together with anyone else. But again, each point of view is valid imo.
 
I wish I could do something like an open relationship, because hell, to most guys it seems fun, right? but I'm a pretty intimate person, and I really do enjoy being with one person
 
It's fun, but it's also a hell of a lot of hard work, brutal honesty, self reflection, talking, negotiations, dealing with anxiety and jealousy... not a walk in the park and waaaay too much communication about feelings and revealing of insecurities for many people's liking.
 
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