soulfly
Bluelight Crew
you know? i haven't been writing in this forum much, but somehow tonight Southern Comfort and marijuana proved themselves inspirational. So tonight, i write this for you although you will most certainly never know it existed.
I still have a picture on my dresser of us. A picture that i have turned over maybe once in the time it has been there. It remains day after day collecting dust next to a pile of nonsensical things i never put away. The other day, I turned this picture over. I had forgotten what it was.
I saw two a boy and a girl, glowing in what would become their last days of youth and innocence. I saw two happy people, and a boy who I've never seen happy in any picture that he wasn't completely out of his mind on drugs. The couple looked oddly familiar to me. They looked like a couple in love.
I studied him first, and as quickly as possible. I stared at the former raver and tried to determine why his mouth looked like he way chewing 35 pieces of gum at once. You would think that this would be a sign of ecstasy use, but his eyes were clear. He looked of a boy who no longer needed enjoy love through a pill. He was clearly in love. His heart was content, if only for that moment in time. He looked tired. Maybe he wasn't used to an all night of being out without the chemical stimulation to keep himself awake.
I moved on to her, next. She was obviously wearing clothes that were too warm for where she was. On top of that, she wasn't showing off that body that she worked so hard and hadtreasured so much underneath that bulky sweatshirt. She still had those little 8 gauge plugs in her ears, the ones her boyfriend would sometimes joke about, seeing as he went all the way up to the 0 gauge. She looked like she had recently had her hair cut, because it was that same perfect length as it was the night he met her. Edgy, short...like some sort of pixie, but not too tom-boyish.
He always liked her hair short, except for that one time when she came home and, well... her hairdresser must have been drunk or something and took entirely too much off. He told her that it looked fine, and tried to make her believe him. Secretly, though...he thought it looked like a boy haircut. She had freshly bleached blonde streaks through her hair, he was sure she had spent too much on them.
There was something else in this picture that grabbed my attention. The girl in the picture was smiling. Her smile was warm and comfortable. She was obviously a girl in love. If you look close enough, you can see that little devil in her eye confirming the fact that, yes, she was getting laid that night. As happy as she looked in that picture, you can almost hear her saying: "When are we leaving? I want to spend some time with my boyfriend..."
Staring at the picture, i felt that sharp pain in my guts. I felt my throat close and cutting off all the oxygen to my brain. It was the first time i have ever experienced an actual cold sweat. The world around me stopped, but my mind went into overdrive.
It all came back to me. The way i felt about her for so long. That first night. Maybe it was just two people looking for the same thing at the exact same time, or maybe that's exactly what the definition of "love" is.
The word "Alchemy" repeating over and over in my brain, reminding me of the sappy little piece of art you made for me about a week after we met.
You know what? That piece (which i still have...) is probably the most genuine thing anyone has ever done for me. It was so innocent and pure. I never put it up on a wall where it belonged. I never felt like i deserved it, so i threw it in a drawer. Today, i still have it. Through 4.500 miles of traveling and almost 5 years, i know exactly where it is. I've lost a lot of things over the last 5 years and 5 moves...but i kept that piece close to me.
My mind continued to race. I tired to remember what the boy in the picture felt like. I came to the conclusion that he took it all for granted. He knew what he had, but he didn't know how to deal with it. Ok, fuck this "writing in the third person bullshit"...
You know what? I had love...i knew i had love. I didn't know how to handle it. We had our problems, but i should have stuck it out. I should have taken that job at the gas station up town. I should have wanted to make my own life better to keep up with yours. I wished we had more common interests. Since then, i have learned that we had more in common than i could ever hope for. One thing i thought about tonight: You always hated what a Socom junkie i was...and i know you tried to learn how to play. It was so cute and funny how badly you sucked, but you just wanted to share what i spent so much of my time on. Tonight, i remembered you telling me what a Goldeneye for N64 junkie you were...and i stared at my N64 on my dresser with my copy of Goldeneye still in it. If i had only spent the 20$ on an N64 and that game....
There were a lot of things i could have done, and probably a lot of things you could have done. Baby, if you're reading this tonight, there's more that i want to tell you about than i can write in one sitting. I guess i'll try to begin somewhere...
I got fat! aren't you excited? especially considering you're probably still pushing your body every single day, and are probably in better shape than you've ever been...
I put on almost 30 pounds as a result of a year long war i went to with my body and mind. I'm sure you're proud...
I have been working out, though...and running (errr...briskly walking) almost every day, and i'm eating better. And i'm not drinking beer during the week anymore...which brings me to my next one:
I was an alcoholic for a year! isn't that great? Well, honey, i moved in with mike, and what is there for two guys to do in South Boston but drink, smoke weed, play Madden, and drink some more. I guess in a way, i tried to kill myself. I bottomed out so i could come back up. I wish i could begin to tell you the awful, awful things i did to my body...but i'll spare you the details. I'm cleaning up now, and i'm really trying to take better care of myself.
I got a kitten! Her name is Mallory (after Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers)... she torments my mother's cats. It's hilarious. She's very sweet despite the strange mental issues she may have from time to time. Her and Chino would get along great...
I moved back into my mother's house! isn't that great? actually...she's really sick, and i'm kind of here to take care of her. Might be cancer, no one seems to know yet. It's really stressful...
I'm going to school! actually... i was supposed to start september 7th, but i think i'm going to push it back to January because i need some more time to take care of some of my own stuff for a while. I'll be studying Digital Audio Production and sound engineering at the NE Institute of Art. After two years and $36,000.00, i'll have my associates degree.
I'm getting my shit together, sweetheart. I'm trying, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel like it's worth it. I'm sad. I'm really really sad and lonely a lot. I haven't had a meaningful romantic relationship with anyone since us, just a lot of headaches and heartaches. I think about you and wonder how far you've made it by now. I bet you're married. I bet you've got your first baby on the way. I'm just hoping that your husband is just as in love with you as i was. I guess everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but after almost three years, i'm still wondering what that is.
I've asked myself a million times, "What would i do if we crossed paths again?"
I have yet to answer that question. I doubt it would ever happen...
It's getting late, and i'm getting so tired. I don't sleep much these days, but i'm still trying to learn how to sleep sober. After spending a year exchanging tylenol pm for a pint of tequila, you need to relearn a number of things.
So, i guess i'll end this open letter. I know you will probably never read it, but i want you to know that somewhere in this country, there is someone who still thinks of you. Someone who still cries themselves to sleep tonight with thoughts of you. There is someone underneath this sky tonight who would give anything in this world to go back in time, and change all the things he did wrong.
You know? hindsight is screaming at me. That you were it, and that love is NEVER to be taken for granted. Maybe i just wasn't good enough for you. Maybe i'm just not good enough for anyone...
Tonight, i just wanted you to know:
You are the only person i've ever truly loved. You are the last i will ever truly love.
I miss you.
I miss Chino (aka Mr. Fur...).
I miss your parents...
I miss your heart, mind, body and soul....
I love you. And i always will.........
I still have a picture on my dresser of us. A picture that i have turned over maybe once in the time it has been there. It remains day after day collecting dust next to a pile of nonsensical things i never put away. The other day, I turned this picture over. I had forgotten what it was.
I saw two a boy and a girl, glowing in what would become their last days of youth and innocence. I saw two happy people, and a boy who I've never seen happy in any picture that he wasn't completely out of his mind on drugs. The couple looked oddly familiar to me. They looked like a couple in love.
I studied him first, and as quickly as possible. I stared at the former raver and tried to determine why his mouth looked like he way chewing 35 pieces of gum at once. You would think that this would be a sign of ecstasy use, but his eyes were clear. He looked of a boy who no longer needed enjoy love through a pill. He was clearly in love. His heart was content, if only for that moment in time. He looked tired. Maybe he wasn't used to an all night of being out without the chemical stimulation to keep himself awake.
I moved on to her, next. She was obviously wearing clothes that were too warm for where she was. On top of that, she wasn't showing off that body that she worked so hard and hadtreasured so much underneath that bulky sweatshirt. She still had those little 8 gauge plugs in her ears, the ones her boyfriend would sometimes joke about, seeing as he went all the way up to the 0 gauge. She looked like she had recently had her hair cut, because it was that same perfect length as it was the night he met her. Edgy, short...like some sort of pixie, but not too tom-boyish.
He always liked her hair short, except for that one time when she came home and, well... her hairdresser must have been drunk or something and took entirely too much off. He told her that it looked fine, and tried to make her believe him. Secretly, though...he thought it looked like a boy haircut. She had freshly bleached blonde streaks through her hair, he was sure she had spent too much on them.
There was something else in this picture that grabbed my attention. The girl in the picture was smiling. Her smile was warm and comfortable. She was obviously a girl in love. If you look close enough, you can see that little devil in her eye confirming the fact that, yes, she was getting laid that night. As happy as she looked in that picture, you can almost hear her saying: "When are we leaving? I want to spend some time with my boyfriend..."
Staring at the picture, i felt that sharp pain in my guts. I felt my throat close and cutting off all the oxygen to my brain. It was the first time i have ever experienced an actual cold sweat. The world around me stopped, but my mind went into overdrive.
It all came back to me. The way i felt about her for so long. That first night. Maybe it was just two people looking for the same thing at the exact same time, or maybe that's exactly what the definition of "love" is.
The word "Alchemy" repeating over and over in my brain, reminding me of the sappy little piece of art you made for me about a week after we met.
You know what? That piece (which i still have...) is probably the most genuine thing anyone has ever done for me. It was so innocent and pure. I never put it up on a wall where it belonged. I never felt like i deserved it, so i threw it in a drawer. Today, i still have it. Through 4.500 miles of traveling and almost 5 years, i know exactly where it is. I've lost a lot of things over the last 5 years and 5 moves...but i kept that piece close to me.
My mind continued to race. I tired to remember what the boy in the picture felt like. I came to the conclusion that he took it all for granted. He knew what he had, but he didn't know how to deal with it. Ok, fuck this "writing in the third person bullshit"...
You know what? I had love...i knew i had love. I didn't know how to handle it. We had our problems, but i should have stuck it out. I should have taken that job at the gas station up town. I should have wanted to make my own life better to keep up with yours. I wished we had more common interests. Since then, i have learned that we had more in common than i could ever hope for. One thing i thought about tonight: You always hated what a Socom junkie i was...and i know you tried to learn how to play. It was so cute and funny how badly you sucked, but you just wanted to share what i spent so much of my time on. Tonight, i remembered you telling me what a Goldeneye for N64 junkie you were...and i stared at my N64 on my dresser with my copy of Goldeneye still in it. If i had only spent the 20$ on an N64 and that game....
There were a lot of things i could have done, and probably a lot of things you could have done. Baby, if you're reading this tonight, there's more that i want to tell you about than i can write in one sitting. I guess i'll try to begin somewhere...
I got fat! aren't you excited? especially considering you're probably still pushing your body every single day, and are probably in better shape than you've ever been...
I put on almost 30 pounds as a result of a year long war i went to with my body and mind. I'm sure you're proud...
I have been working out, though...and running (errr...briskly walking) almost every day, and i'm eating better. And i'm not drinking beer during the week anymore...which brings me to my next one:
I was an alcoholic for a year! isn't that great? Well, honey, i moved in with mike, and what is there for two guys to do in South Boston but drink, smoke weed, play Madden, and drink some more. I guess in a way, i tried to kill myself. I bottomed out so i could come back up. I wish i could begin to tell you the awful, awful things i did to my body...but i'll spare you the details. I'm cleaning up now, and i'm really trying to take better care of myself.
I got a kitten! Her name is Mallory (after Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers)... she torments my mother's cats. It's hilarious. She's very sweet despite the strange mental issues she may have from time to time. Her and Chino would get along great...
I moved back into my mother's house! isn't that great? actually...she's really sick, and i'm kind of here to take care of her. Might be cancer, no one seems to know yet. It's really stressful...
I'm going to school! actually... i was supposed to start september 7th, but i think i'm going to push it back to January because i need some more time to take care of some of my own stuff for a while. I'll be studying Digital Audio Production and sound engineering at the NE Institute of Art. After two years and $36,000.00, i'll have my associates degree.
I'm getting my shit together, sweetheart. I'm trying, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel like it's worth it. I'm sad. I'm really really sad and lonely a lot. I haven't had a meaningful romantic relationship with anyone since us, just a lot of headaches and heartaches. I think about you and wonder how far you've made it by now. I bet you're married. I bet you've got your first baby on the way. I'm just hoping that your husband is just as in love with you as i was. I guess everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but after almost three years, i'm still wondering what that is.
I've asked myself a million times, "What would i do if we crossed paths again?"
I have yet to answer that question. I doubt it would ever happen...
It's getting late, and i'm getting so tired. I don't sleep much these days, but i'm still trying to learn how to sleep sober. After spending a year exchanging tylenol pm for a pint of tequila, you need to relearn a number of things.
So, i guess i'll end this open letter. I know you will probably never read it, but i want you to know that somewhere in this country, there is someone who still thinks of you. Someone who still cries themselves to sleep tonight with thoughts of you. There is someone underneath this sky tonight who would give anything in this world to go back in time, and change all the things he did wrong.
You know? hindsight is screaming at me. That you were it, and that love is NEVER to be taken for granted. Maybe i just wasn't good enough for you. Maybe i'm just not good enough for anyone...
Tonight, i just wanted you to know:
You are the only person i've ever truly loved. You are the last i will ever truly love.
I miss you.
I miss Chino (aka Mr. Fur...).
I miss your parents...
I miss your heart, mind, body and soul....
I love you. And i always will.........
