*** copied from BL journal ***
Well, I wanted to go through the initial stages of getting clean without being on anti-depressants. I think I may need to get back on them.
I have so many feelings and emotions that I think are natural but are somewhat erratic.
Today I was slicing onions at work. I was also tired, worried, and not liking myself too much. Tears started to form in my eyes from the burning that onions tend to do but there was something more. I had a tightness in my chest and felt a little flushed.
I went into the walk-in refrigerator to alleviate the reaction to the strong onions and relief came; however, real tears started to come from my eyes and my chest was now tight and quivering. I felt empty and low.
I want to be a 'natural' me, unaltered by mood inhibitors/stabilizers but I don't know who this 'natural' me is. Do I suck it up and allow these feelings/emotions to occur? What is a balanced mind like?
I don't want to be that cold, distant and unfeeling person on Paxil. I want to be a REAL person that can ride out and feel his emotions completely and then let them go so that new ones can be experienced.
I just don't know. I need to get myself better so that I can start living life again. I need to feel but just don't know what feelings are healthy or what ones are extreme and dangerous.
Fuckin' onions!
Well, I wanted to go through the initial stages of getting clean without being on anti-depressants. I think I may need to get back on them.
I have so many feelings and emotions that I think are natural but are somewhat erratic.
Today I was slicing onions at work. I was also tired, worried, and not liking myself too much. Tears started to form in my eyes from the burning that onions tend to do but there was something more. I had a tightness in my chest and felt a little flushed.
I went into the walk-in refrigerator to alleviate the reaction to the strong onions and relief came; however, real tears started to come from my eyes and my chest was now tight and quivering. I felt empty and low.
I want to be a 'natural' me, unaltered by mood inhibitors/stabilizers but I don't know who this 'natural' me is. Do I suck it up and allow these feelings/emotions to occur? What is a balanced mind like?
I don't want to be that cold, distant and unfeeling person on Paxil. I want to be a REAL person that can ride out and feel his emotions completely and then let them go so that new ones can be experienced.
I just don't know. I need to get myself better so that I can start living life again. I need to feel but just don't know what feelings are healthy or what ones are extreme and dangerous.
Fuckin' onions!