Ongoing drug abuse...want to come out the other side.

[agepoyo]

Hey guys.
I don't often post but I've been struggling a lot the past few years. I was abusing Diphenhydramine on a daily basis in 2013, for around three months. No idea why I even wanted to do this. I was just in self-destruct mode, as I have been most of my life. I was also battling an addiction with synthetic cannabinoids from February-October 2013. When I finally stopped all this it was amazing, I made a whole bunch of new friends, moved into my own place and thought this was the start of something new.

I suddenly started suffering intense anxiety in late 2014 which drove me back to a drug I'd only ever tried once, Etizolam because it made me feel amazing, I felt amazing. This lead to trying other chems I was on Clonazolam for a while and then finally I ended up taking the hell that was Flubromazolam. I now have a criminal record, permanent scars, and I've lost all my friends. But I got help and was doing well on a 40mg Diazepam script and stopped taking the F-lam, not touched it since. Never want to touch any of these drugs again.
Now it's 2016 and I've been abusing Methoxphenidine since around November 2015 maybe a little before because my doctor won't prescribe my antidepressants until I get down to 30mg of Diazepam. The MXP has put reduced my dosage and now I only take 5mg upon waking and 20mg for bedtime. I'm scared of losing my mind to the MXP and I don't know if it's actually reducing my tolerance to the Diazepam at all, or just masking it by frying my neurotransmitters.

All I know is that now I have very low Dopamine and Serotonin, as I've been showing symptoms of both for a while now. I feel constantly suicidal and have completely given up on the NHS. What is the alternative to damaging myself further for someone to listen, because my doctor doesn't? I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, I sometimes indulge in feeling bad these days, I just want myself back, I don't know who I am or what to do anymore. Any replies would be much appreciated feeling a bit desperate right now.

 

[thelung]

I don't think you should be taking anything with abuse potential. Get on an SSRI that works for you, and maybe an aptypical antipsychotic as well. that would be my advice. i realize this is easier said than done...but you can't continue abusing all these medications. have you looked into a 12 step program like NA? doesnt work for everybody but ive seen 12 step programs change lives completely. i dunno,this is just what i think. hang in there

 

[Bonch]

try to fill your day with meaningful activities. Like making art or music, exercise, get out into nature (this one really helps me) clean the house, working a good job. Really anything you like. Try to satisfy your self with these activities that will make you feel better about your self. There is not much instant gradification but it will make you feel better in the long run. Hope this helps. Just remember you are not alone in this struggle.

 

[S.greenmann]

From one addict to another xx

I can hear the desperation and want through your writing. Really strong move posting that, well done.

My suggestion is to just stop for a minute, sit down, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, place your hands on your tummy and feel the air filling your belly as it rises and falls. Slowly begin to turn to your mind and just notice, listen to your thoughts. Don't fight the thought, whatever may arise, just listen and acknowledge. Remember, our minds are just words, running commentary, they can't hurt you. It's the reaction we have to our thoughts that leads us to use (again). The more aware we are of our thoughts the easier were able to spot them before it turns into a drug binge.

Awareness into the cycle of addiction can open a lot of trapped doors along your journey to recovery. Understanding triggers, who, where, what. listening to your thought pattern and being aware of the excuses your minds providing as permission.

Boarderline personality disorder is so over diagnosed. You've been using mind altering substances for many years, i don't understand how these doctors can label addicts as BPD, I personally felt discouraged with that label and HPD (Histrionic personality disorder) of course I was displaying traits of HPD, of course I was, I was on ice. The list of HPD traits are below they although could defiantly pass as traits of meth use.

- thrives on being centre of attention

-Interaction with others is often characterized by sexually seductive or provocative behaviour

-Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions

-uses physical appearance to draw attentionto themself

-Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail

-theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
Is highly suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances

a lot of doctors arnt trained in addiction and defiantly don't understand the pain, control and mendacity in it. Begin by following the steps from the start of the post, try and centre your self and concentrate on nothing but the rise and fall of your belly, each time your mind wonders off or get distracted remember to bring your self back to the breath, breathing in and out while feeling the rise and fall of your tummy, perhaps you feel the air brushing down your nostrils, again if your mind wonders off bring your mind back to these sensations. This excercise is strengthening your awareness muscle in your mind, I suppose you could look at it like weights for the brain give it a shot.

stay strong
xx

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Are you seeing a psychologist or addiction specialist? I think you should try and find one in your area. Insurance will cover and it's usually only like a $15 co pay depending on your insurance. I think you need someone to really sit down with and formulate a plan. Especially since you have another diagnosis too, it's really hard to get general advice in your case since your issues are really specific. I think it's important to note that you are feeling suicidal and depressed... please seek professional help before you do something you're not able to take back. Goodluck.