one year

I can't sleep. My mind just won't shut off and allow my body to slumber.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. It was actually about this time of the day as well. I never ever thought I'd take it as hard as I did and still am. His death wasn't unexpected and he lived a long full life and was 95 when he died. It absolutely shattered me though and I still can't quite figure out how to pick up all the pieces. Pretty much any time I think of him I just burst into tears. It doesn't matter where I am so I often end up getting quite embarrassed.

Most (if not all) of my memories of him are good and happy. I guess that's probably why this has been so hard for me. He was so purely good. No doubt the best man I've ever met. He was humble and quiet. He loved me for me and even at my worst, he could see beyond that and I knew it and that love carried me through. I think my relationship with him has been one of the few "normal" cookie cutter things in my otherwise pretty fucked up life. He always made me feel like there was hope without saying anything.

The love he and my grandmother shared was incredible. Up to the end, you could still see the love radiating off of them when they were together. Actually, I think the first time I ever saw them apart was at his funeral. It just wasn't right to see her without him. My heart still breaks for her. Next week will be weird to see her again without him. I was supposed to see him at Thanksgiving last year. Part of me wishes that I was able to see him one last time, but also part of me was glad that I remember him as being healthy and strong. I don't know if I would have been able to handle seeing him carting around an oxygen tank and knowing that it would be the last time.

I know that he knew that I loved him and I know that he loved me, but sometimes I wish I could go back and just say it to him. I miss him.

I love you, Grandpa. Always ​

 

It sounds like you have some lovely memories of him, you're in my thoughts, take care spork.

 

Thank you.

 

Anniversaries are tough. The first year after my grandfather past was pretty tough; every event was the first one since Dido passed. Keeps picking at the wound.

Keep on remembering the good times.

 

Thanks Dave, I have been.

When I was younger, we used to jam together him on his trumpet and me on my clarinet. I decided that I'd pull out my clarinet and start playing today for the first time in over 13 years to honor him. I felt so much joy as soon as I pulled it out and I'm not surprisingly rusty, but I was surprised at how much I remembered over the years. It felt so great to play again. I loved playing then and I'm not sure why I quit. It really does feel like I've found a missing puzzle piece or something. As cheesy as it sounds, I like to think of this as one last gift he had for me.

 

*hugs* Grief is something I know very well. I'm glad you're channeling yours into something positive, like your clarinet. Keep doing things like that in honor of your grandfather. I wish you all the best.

 

^Thanks, hun.

 

My thoughts are with you Spork. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is always so hard. Perhaps we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones will always live in our hearts