One year later, still trying to recover from a hell trip. Too scared to be high, help

[Zenic]

So about a year ago I had smoked a huge bong rip of 60x salvia D., I had an absolutely horrific experience. Ego/death, loss of reality, breaking of reality, anxiety, terror ect. Prior to this experience I had smoked weed a lot as well as taken DXM regularly nearly biweekly(at least 700+mg per trip). I loved DXM and it felt like my best friend in the world. I also loved weed, it made me happy, it took away my anxiety, it made everything better. I noticed weeks after undergoing my salvia trip that I would get panic no matter what substance I took. Alcohol sent me into panic, weed, dph, even anxiety meds like valium/ativan. It is now nearly a year later and I can finally get pretty drunk again without feeling panic but I noticed I cant smoke weed anymore. I take literally the tiniest hit possible, a 1/2 second puff, the effects hit hard and fast, vision focusing in, trouble concentrating, overfixation on things like breathing, feeling like I'm inhaling cloth or yarn(an effect experienced on salvia). I just get really scared.

I've actually questioned whether or not I'm taking a big enough hit but I'm far too scared to try and take anything other than my half hits. I hit 2 full hits out of my friends pipe in the forest and got a panic attack looking at the white cloudy sky because it started to look like everything was drawn on paper(derealization and lack of trust of my reality). I find myself scared of dying again, which wasn't a problem before as I meditated on the idea of death coming to a conclusion that made me feel like it was okay. I try to understand what I'm going through but I just don't seem to get it. My fear of death has returned, anything that makes me vibrate or changes the world around me makes me frightened.

I just want to return to normal, how it used to be where I could smoke bong hit after bong hit and be a-okay without a worry in the world. Does anyone have any advice whatsoever into how I can overcome this fear of being high?

 

[KneelB4Doom]

You go into it scared so cannabis only intensifies that emotion. Just gotta make yourself realize that you're freaking yourself out. Its just weed, you'll enjoy it again.

 

[Tranced]

I've had a similar experience, and I'd say I effectively triggered a mild-moderate case of PTSD following a salvia experience.

Weed stopped working for me about 3-4 years later, and I don't think it was connected, as such. Actually, I've just realised it was. Ahhh shit. But anyway, the thing with weed is that you can experience a sort of reverse tolerance whereby you become hypersensitive to the effects. It tends to tie in with anxiety. But yeah, I can only manage a puff or two these days., and even that is intense. I can actually smoke small amounts of hashish... Hash is generally derived from untampered with indica varieties, so it's a far more gentle experience.

It sounds to me like you moreso desperately want to smoke weed again, but perhaps you just need to accept that it isn't for you? Maybe this was salvias roundabout way of showing you this.

What happened with the salvia, if you don't mind my asking? If it makes you feel better, my PTSD (?) gradually lessened over the course of a few years. Dissociatives, anxiety and thinking about what happened worsened it. If you meditate then I suggest trying not to think about the experience. It can be tempting to relive the experience in your mind, but I found the most relief from just not thinking about it. I had to actively prevent myself from dwelling on it, and over time it just commanded less power over me.

I think your main focus needs to be working on your anxiety, and just accepting that you can't smoke weed up until that point, and possibly after. It should be secondary.