It's hard to believe that a week ago I was fucked out of my mind.
If you'd told me then that in a week's time I'd be sober and feeling mostly okay (still sleeping 12 hours a night, still sometimes getting brain zaps, but overall feeling pretty human) I would have said "ah, good good, glad I made it" -- I wouldn't have been surprised, but I would have felt sorry for my future self, living life with a big hole in it without the fun times of meph.
Well, honestly, I was wrong -- there's no big hole where meph used to go.
If you'd told me a week ago that I'd write that, I'd have said "ha ha, yeah, of course you'll say that - you're never going to admit that you miss it".
So, do I miss it? Really?
Well... going after the easy and obvious one first - do I crave it?
No. I honestly don't. I think of meph, and I remember the acrid taste of it dripping down the back of my throat, the fear as my vision got worse and worse, the desperation as I dropped bigger and bigger doses trying to get away from the anxious wrecked halfway-there state of fuckedness.
Do I miss it though? Before I stopped I wrote a half a page of ramblings from a truly euphoric mephy state. It starts "here I am, standing on top of a mountain looking down across all that it our world". The rest of it doesn't make much sense -- but yes, I miss that feeling -- and I know that there's nothing like it in the world of sobriety.
I'm trying to find the right words to describe how it felt, but I guess that if you're reading this, you probably already know.
In the end though, it wasn't worth it. Even the most enthusiastic recreational drug takers wavered at "yeh, I have practically no peripheral vision left but fuck me, the euphoria is nice".
Doesn't matter what they say though, does it? By my own standards, and my own judgement, I say it's not worth it.
If you're a happy occasional user, please don't come and flame. I don't know why I keep asking stuff like that, since no one has ever flamed me in blog comments - I guess I'm just protecting myself with pre-emptive puppy dog eyes *insert appropriate smiley*
no 8) no 8( no
If you'd told me then that in a week's time I'd be sober and feeling mostly okay (still sleeping 12 hours a night, still sometimes getting brain zaps, but overall feeling pretty human) I would have said "ah, good good, glad I made it" -- I wouldn't have been surprised, but I would have felt sorry for my future self, living life with a big hole in it without the fun times of meph.
Well, honestly, I was wrong -- there's no big hole where meph used to go.
If you'd told me a week ago that I'd write that, I'd have said "ha ha, yeah, of course you'll say that - you're never going to admit that you miss it".
So, do I miss it? Really?
Well... going after the easy and obvious one first - do I crave it?
No. I honestly don't. I think of meph, and I remember the acrid taste of it dripping down the back of my throat, the fear as my vision got worse and worse, the desperation as I dropped bigger and bigger doses trying to get away from the anxious wrecked halfway-there state of fuckedness.
Do I miss it though? Before I stopped I wrote a half a page of ramblings from a truly euphoric mephy state. It starts "here I am, standing on top of a mountain looking down across all that it our world". The rest of it doesn't make much sense -- but yes, I miss that feeling -- and I know that there's nothing like it in the world of sobriety.
I'm trying to find the right words to describe how it felt, but I guess that if you're reading this, you probably already know.
In the end though, it wasn't worth it. Even the most enthusiastic recreational drug takers wavered at "yeh, I have practically no peripheral vision left but fuck me, the euphoria is nice".
Doesn't matter what they say though, does it? By my own standards, and my own judgement, I say it's not worth it.
If you're a happy occasional user, please don't come and flame. I don't know why I keep asking stuff like that, since no one has ever flamed me in blog comments - I guess I'm just protecting myself with pre-emptive puppy dog eyes *insert appropriate smiley*
no 8) no 8( no
