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One way or another, my life is about to change. It's finally happened. Support Please

JessFR

JessFR

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So I've been using drugs for a looking time. I've been a heroin addict for years. And like probably all heroin addicts, I've done some bad things for my addiction. Lying, stealing, disappearing at all hours, to name a few.

My boyfriend, the love of my life, my first serious relationship and the person on this planet I would die for has had enough. He's straight edge, apart from drinking too much in his teens. He's never done anything, not even pot, and has no interest in doing so. He's made it clear, I can have heroin, I can have him, I cant have both. And I have a seriously strong conscience. Trying to lie and have both id never be able to maintain without dying a little inside. My addiction is back where it ended last time I got clean, shooting up several times a day.

Later today we are leaving this city and going to my moms a days drive from here. Where ill have no ready access to heroin, where I can be watched and try and get clean. We're going to try more or less cold turkey, and if it gets too out of hand, probably subuxone will be the next option.

I'm high right now so I'm not feeling bad, but when I get there, I'm gonna be fucking terrified.
I'm scared guys, I really am and any words at all would be appreciated. I'm scared I won't make it and ill lose him, but I'm possibly even more scared that I will make it. I'm scared ill get clean and never feel really happy again. Scared of PAWS and scared of being clean. Anyone who can tell me they were a heroin addict for years and are now happy sober would be great. Another thing that scares me, is the idea that ill crave heroin whenever I feel sad or upset or scared or alone for possibly the rest of my life.

Help me out here guys, all I want is the truth, if I have to suffer and struggle being clean the rest of my life, I'm willing to try, id do anything for my lover, id suffer through anything to keep him. Any thoughts? If people reply, ill keep this thread updated with how I go. First day of being clean will probably be the day after tomorrow.
 
If your intention to end your use comes from a genuine personal desire to stop using, then you'll probably be successful. I wouldn't hold out much hope if you're merely doing it to try and save a personal relationship, though. One thing someone told me when I was on probation & which I believe to be true is that the people who become addicted and then try to quit based primarily on the desire to retain something, like their career or their marriage/relationship or the respect of their kids, etc, those people generally aren't successful...success largely comes about as a result of an individual trying to beat an addiction for themselves
 
I know, that worries me too. But I can't make myself want to quit more than I truly do, and no matter the odds I have to try. Him and I have beaten the odds before. Knowing what we've been through most would say we should have already broken up by all odds.

I do somewhat want to quit for myself too. I'm sick of having no money, I'm sick of having to lie and being tempted to steal and sell my body (which I've never done, only been tempted) or my stuff and shit like that. So it's not that I have no desire to quit. But like I said, no matter the odds, I have to try.
 
Just take it a day at a time. It's less scary than thinking of trying to go your whole life without being high. Try to find some other shit to occupy your time.
 
Quitting everything is always best. But if you really think you cant do it then suboxone is better then heroin. At least you will have a steady medication and not running around the streets buying. And unlike heroin you can be tapered off subs.
 
You can do a long slow taper and never go through WDs and feel completely normal within a week afterwards. It's doable as long as you're willing to stick to your taper schedule.

Why is your bf making this ultimatum? Is he controlling or concerned or both?
 
I agree with ggg, if it doesn't work then the subs will definitely make u stay well. I really hope u can beat the shit and save ur relationship Jess, he obviously must really love u if he's still with u considering he's straightedge, that's really saying something IMO. Just do what u gotta do. Ur gonna be sick for 5 days, that's it just 5 measly days. If u look at it like that then it's really not the end of the world. Just try and kinda trick urself is what I'm saying I guess, that's how I did it when I kicked.off course I'm back at it now so it is what it is but I don't have a reason to kick but u do, u got great relationship with a great dude so just do what u gotta do Hun. We all gotta pay the dope bill eventually and it seems that now ur bill is due so don't fuck up ur relationship for this bullshit, just do it, mind over matter, u got this like nothing. Ur dude is gonna be there supporting u and if worse comes to worse u can always try the subs. Try not to stress it so much, mind over matter! We will all be here for support if u need it so when I feel weak just make a post and we will send good energy ur way :)
Your just doing what your gonna have to do eventually anyways so why not do it now and save ur relationship, 2 birds 1 stone.
 
Cliffy78 said:
I agree with ggg, if it doesn't work then the subs will definitely make u stay well. I really hope u can beat the shit and save ur relationship Jess, he obviously must really love u if he's still with u considering he's straightedge, that's really saying something IMO. Just do what u gotta do. Ur gonna be sick for 5 days, that's it just 5 measly days. If u look at it like that then it's really not the end of the world. Just try and kinda trick urself is what I'm saying I guess, that's how I did it when I kicked.off course I'm back at it now so it is what it is but I don't have a reason to kick but u do, u got great relationship with a great dude so just do what u gotta do Hun. We all gotta pay the dope bill eventually and it seems that now ur bill is due so don't fuck up ur relationship for this bullshit, just do it, mind over matter, u got this like nothing. Ur dude is gonna be there supporting u and if worse comes to worse u can always try the subs. Try not to stress it so much, mind over matter! We will all be here for support if u need it so when I feel weak just make a post and we will send good energy ur way :)
Your just doing what your gonna have to do eventually anyways so why not do it now and save ur relationship, 2 birds 1 stone.
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If you know what opiate withdrawal feels like, then you know it can be extremely painful. I would, in any case, advise securing a medicine that helps with withdrawal such as Buprenorphine (suboxone). While opiate withdrawal isn't fatal, it can be very demanding on your system. And, Buprenorphine is not meant to be taken forever. You need a clean, calm, and loving environment to participate it, WHILE taking medication to help with withdrawal. Be mindful that you will need to taper off of suboxone. Do not keep using it. Each bi-weekly prescription needs to be reduced to safely, and harmlessly reduce your dependence to opiates. Please be be aware that opiate withdrawal is not deadly, and that medications for opiate withdrawal is meant to lessen the impact of withdrawal, not substitute a replacement of the high. I wish you the best. Stay hydrated.
 
You need motivation to quit for yourself. I did as well. What really helped me was constantly reflecting upon where my life would be in 10 years time if I continued business as usual. Eventually I realized that I love myself enough that I would not cause my future self to suffer like that.
 
why not do suboxone maintenance? it absolutely kills the cravings for dope and you can start to get your life back on track. It is also easier to come off of than dope and meth.

I been on and off subs for 4 years, I keep relapsing when I get weened off b/c I do not work on myself/ have no support system... but while on subs life is great...
 
Jess, I believe that you can be happy again after heroin but not without a major shift in your thinking. Getting "clean" is like opening a door that has been shut and locked for a long time; it might be difficult to do but the difficulty has a definite lifespan. It's taking a step outside that is the truly hard part IMO and it never ends until you take your last breath. But that hard part--committing to knowing yourself, letting go of judgment and creating meaning in your life separate from others--is what we are all charged with doing whether we have struggled with drugs or not. If you can learn to value and appreciate it rather than run from it, it is very rewarding.

I know you are scared and so something that might really help is to ask for some counseling while you are going through this. Changing something so deep is going to take lots of support and even though I am thrilled for you that you have the support of your bf and your mom, you need someone outside that you are not emotionally involved with to keep perspective--especially to keep from turning things in on yourself when they get hard.

I wish you the best of luck. You are not fighting for your relationship as much as you are fighting for yourself. You want to be strong and clear and addiction is taking you away from that. We've all seen how sometimes there is no end to what addiction can take away. What Azure said about visualizing where you would be in 10 years if you keep using heroin like this is a good mental exercise. You don't need to try to scare yourself--that never works--but just really be honest and ask if that is truly how you want to be living.
 
Hi Jess,
I've been where you are. My fiancee doesn't do any drugs, never has. I was an addict (heroin and cocaine) for years, and he threw up his hands and was going to leave me if I didn't get clean. I did it for him, but I really did it for me. Think of how much you love this person, and think of your life without him. Heroin will ALWAYS be there if you want it - the love of your life won't. I know it's not a choice, really, when you're so addicted, but I tell you, I thank god every day that I cleaned up and stayed with this man. It was the best decision of my life. I would be dead had I not made the choice. So please, get well for yourself, like everybody says, but if the idea of him leaving you spurs you on to do this and lights a fire under your ass, for fear of him leaving, by all means use it.

I am on Subs, and it saved me. I've been clean from all drugs for three months in November. My life is completely different. The Subs really helped me with the Paws and depression that always hit me after getting clean before, and that same depression always made my relationship difficult, and I would get frustrated and relapse because I thought I was "better" to everybody high. It wasn't so.

Herbavore is so right - as she is most of the time ;) - about the counseling. I am in weekly counseling with a drug therapist and I go to groups twice a month, and talking to this lady has really, really helped me to understand how to make my life have meaning off drugs, but also how to rebuild the parts of my relationhship with my fiancee that have been damaged, and to understand my guilt and self esteem issues that drove me to drugs in the first place. I had not tried counseling before when I had previously gotten clean, and I absolutely credit this woman with helping me stay clean.

People go back and forth and back and forth on subs - but I'm just telling you that there is no shame in it and they really helped me to put the cravings and addictive parts of me to the background, instead of having them consume my every waking thought. My life is 1000x better than it has been in the last decade. I don't regret getting clean for him at all, because in the end I realized that I was actually getting clean for me. Does that make sense?

Read some of my threads on this forum - you'll see I have struggled mightily with the same stuff you are going through. I am here for you if you EVER need to talk. This will be the toughest thing you ever do, but your relationship will be stronger than most humans can even fathom if you can get through it. It's the ultimate test of love for both of you guys, and you can do this. I know you can.

xo
 
Thanks guys, I'm not anti subs. It's an option on the table. And may well be what winds up happening. Ideally id like to be off all opioids, including subs, by the time I go home. And time will tell if that's doable or not. I had my last shot, a tiny amount, a couple hours ago. We just got to my mothers. I'm not even in withdrawal and I've already wished I hadn't been born. She really can make me feel horrible. But I had to come here. I'd never have gotten clean if heroin was just one fight or moment of sadness away. Hopefully now that she's vented she'll go easy on me. Anyway. We'll see how how I go. I'm still really scared. And really sad. God I hate it here. Shit that happened to me here is part of what lead to me getting on drugs in the first place. I only came here cause I'm scared if I tried to do it where I live now id wind up doing something to fuck up my relationship forever. And this was the only way to make reasonably sure that didn't happen. Its now been about 2 or so hours since my last shot. A little while longer to feel ok, right now I'm feeling reasonably warm and comfortable. God life is hard. The only thing keeping me together right now is my bf. I'm going to do the best I can. People keep telling me about how ill wind up if I stay on it. That'll ill be dead, ill be homeless, ill wind up a prostitute whatever. I just wish I could see a reason to it all. I mean a reason apart from my bf. Because while obviously I don't want to wind up any of those things. I'm also scared ill wind up suicidal without it. Im going to try seeking counseling and shit like that too. I wish I had any idea what's going to happen. The uncertainty sucks.
 
Jess, hang tight. Fear and uncertainty are natural. I hate to think of you trying to do this in such an unsupportive atmosphere. You will really need outside support. Are you going to try groups (AA/NA)? If you have problems with some of the dogma, just go for the support--you don't have to agree with everything to get something out of them. In fact, IMO, you can get more out of it when you have a degree of detachment and let yourself tailor the concepts individually to your own life.

What you said in your last paragraph is precisely why fear never completely works as a motivator--the fear of emotions can trump the fear even of death. So warning someone that they are going to end up dead is not going to do what it was intended to--in fact sometimes that might even feel like a consoling thought to someone in the throes of desperation. Instead I would use visualization of the future you want. Visualize your life with your bf completely free of drugs, never having to lie or feel that you have to hide, shedding all that fear. Visualize feeling strong and at peace with yourself.Accept that it will take many small changes to get there and encourage yourself like you would encourage anyone else trying something new and scary.<3
 
herbavore said:
Jess, hang tight. Fear and uncertainty are natural. I hate to think of you trying to do this in such an unsupportive atmosphere. You will really need outside support. Are you going to try groups (AA/NA)? If you have problems with some of the dogma, just go for the support--you don't have to agree with everything to get something out of them. In fact, IMO, you can get more out of it when you have a degree of detachment and let yourself tailor the concepts individually to your own life.

What you said in your last paragraph is precisely why fear never completely works as a motivator--the fear of emotions can trump the fear even of death. So warning someone that they are going to end up dead is not going to do what it was intended to--in fact sometimes that might even feel like a consoling thought to someone in the throes of desperation. Instead I would use visualization of the future you want. Visualize your life with your bf completely free of drugs, never having to lie or feel that you have to hide, shedding all that fear. Visualize feeling strong and at peace with yourself.Accept that it will take many small changes to get there and encourage yourself like you would encourage anyone else trying something new and scary.<3
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Thanks, very true and good advice. So I've decided to go with the subuxone option. And yeah ill start going to meetings again too. Problem with my mom is she doesn't know, or if she does doesn't care how hurtful she can be or to consider other peoples feelings. She doesn't mean to do it, buy she does. My bf's noticed it too so it's not just me.

It's so true that positive motivators are so much more effective. I just wish I had more I wanted, my nihilism and depression makes it hard to find things I want and feel they're attainable and worth trying for.
Negative motivators on the other hand don't have any effect except making me want to give up. Problem is I'm so unafraid of death, I'm not really afraid of winding up homeless again either so long as I had heroin. Thing is when you feel so low and bad about yourself, you stop caring about the negative ways other people see you. You figure they're right, you are a filthy degenerate junkie, so you'll do what filthy degenerate junkies do cause you see nothing else as attainable and so not worth even thinking about. And death starts feeling like a merciful end. Anyhow, the current plan is, get on subs, all the assessments stuffs done so all I'm waiting to is a confirmation of when I start, early next week. Then after a couple weeks ill be transferred to a clinic where I live, go home, and see about going to a counselor or something like that. Try and find a way to live without drugs. In the meantime since I'm cut off from heroin ive been taking oxy, just enough to prevent withdrawal. I haven't gotten high since the night we drove up here. My mom keeps reminding me how poor my odds are and how she can't trust me. I swear I could tell her the time and she'd accuse me of lying.
 
Jess, I know you can do this. Don't do it for your mom or anyone else--just you. If it makes everyone else happy, that's a bonus. We are all here for you so keep us posted.<3
 
Jess, please do not let your mom sabotage your plans to get clean and sober. Because that's exactly what's happening. I don't know your history with your mom but it seems she's kind of invested in having you fail.

From your post-"filthy degenerate junkie". Have you heard that description before? It might be a good idea to limit or eliminate your contact until you have some clean time or have stabilized. You do not need the negative reinforcement.You are doing the right thing!
 
It's okay Jess. I feel like you have your own choice. You can keep doing what you're doing or you can quit. I think you should try to taper yourself down. Don't shoot up your tolerance because heroin's expensive. I don't think you can stop cold turkey so try to taper yourself down a little at a time. Quit when you're ready to quit. Right now you're probably rebellious and don't find any pleasure whatsoever in any activities that normal people do. Don't worry, I feel the same way too. The only way to quit is by brute force. Normal people like to do that gay shit and for some reason it gives them pleasure. So I force myself to do the same activities pretending to like it. I may not have pleasure in what I was doing, but at least I keep my family and friends. Eventually, the pleasure out of doing everyday things will come back. And number one rule: don't overdose because that hurts like hell. And keep that shit underground. Please don't get caught. Aww, you sound like a sweet lady. I wish nothing but the best for you. Feel free to message me. I been in your shoes sort of. I was addicted to something else which was crystal meth. I only took it twice but I crave it more than anything
 
Well, I don't know exactly what's gonna happen from here. But I've come to the same conclusion as several posters here. We decided to leave and come back home yesterday on grounds that being up there was emotionally killing me. Whatever happens, it's gotta happen far away from her. Thanks again for all the support guys.
 
Hey there Jess.

I too am trying to do what you're doing and am stuck in the middle of nowhere in the country at my folks' place.

Lots of good advice in your thread (especially from Herbavore,) already so I'll just add this: be kind to yourself and take it all a day at a time. Your ideas to get on subs, try counselling and maybe NA are great ideas.

I'm trying to come off fentanyl patches and while my parents mean well my Mom - just like yours apparently (what IS it with Mums? my mum too can hurt me and make feel like shit with poorly thought out advice and shouting at me..... If I didn't owe them so much dough I would love to say to my Mum "have you ever listened to how you speak to your kids? and then you wonder why they don't contact you for weeks at a time..." etc etc!

So believe me. I KNOW how shit a Mom can make you feel.

Sounds like your boyfriend knows the score and it sounds wise to move away from your Mom. Just be careful you don't go back on the h. Maybe delete your h connect?

Each day you manage to stay clean from the h congratulate at the end of each clean day (but don't beat yourself up if you slip...just aim to be clean the next day and the next day and so on) and keep distracting yourself. Whatever makes you feel good be it music, movies whatever. Treat yourself each day. DVD boxsets of your favourite comedy is always a winner!

Just keep on keeping on and soon you'll discover the "positive snowballing effect" of positive actions. (I read that phrase (or sth very similar) in a different thread and was intrigued! Can't wait for my positive snowballing effect to kick in too!

Love and all the best of luck in the world. All of us I believe are stronger than we can possibly imagine and your positive caring outlook shines through in your posts and I'm certain your bf sees it clearly (even if you sometimes cant) which is why he belives you're absolutely worth sticking with and just wants you to be clean and happy.

Feel free to PM me if you like and do keep us all posted. Dhcdavid xxxx
 
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