One stupid mistake destroyed my life

[roxi2873]

I've been an opiate addict for the last 7 years. Recently I had about 2 months totally clean, had a good job, had my girlfriend back and things were great for once in my miserable life. A week ago a chance encounter with my old dealer resulted in my saying yes to heroin. To make a long story short, I snorted at a coworkers house and overdosed. It ended up being fentanyl dope. Within 3 minutes of snorting it I slumped over on the couch and stopped breathing. The guy's grandmother called 911 I guess and he disappeared before the cops and ems got there. I was dead. They hit me with Narcan twice and brought me back. I started hearing people yelling and asking me what I took, sirens and general chaos. Realizing what happened the first thing I thought of is that my girlfriend is going to leave me. We have been through so much together and I love her to death. I lost her, probably for the last time. I've used up all my chances. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I couldn't say no to drugs one fucking time. It cost me everything. I know I'm lucky to be alive, but in all honesty now, I wish they had just let me die. I'm so fucking tired of hurting the people I care about. I'm so tired of building my life up only to see it fall down. Im tired of being such a disappointment. I'm so tired of the hell that is my life. I was technically dead for about 2 minutes and I think it's the only 2 minutes of peace I've had in the last 7 years. I just don't feel like fighting anymore.

 

[Tanner Blaze]

Look at this as your guardian angel saving you. You have a purpose in life and now you can fullfill it by being alive my friend.

 

[herbavore]

I'm really sorry. I can hear the regret in your post. There is something very powerful that can come out of this and that is 1) knowledge and 2) true change. Now you have been shown your mind's vulnerability. While I do not subscribe literally to the 12-step idea of "once an addict, always an addict" I do believe that this vulnerability is real for most people until they go deeper and actually change it. I imagine that what caused your girlfriend to leave before and what will cause it now are trust issues. But this is not the biggest problem though I understand how it is breaking your heart. The trust issue that needs all your attention right now is the trust in yourself--without that your gf is right to be fearful. Don't waste time and energy beating yourself up over this--that only feeds the beast with fatalism and self-loathing. Feed yourself the compassion you need. Have faith that you can change and then make all the small little changes in your thinking that can create stability and ease. Most people that are trying to heal from addiction are trying to heal from very old pain. That old pain can be released but not without intention and courage.

 

[d0wN]

So are you in the hospital? What's your status? What I'm getting at is: is there a way to handle this thing so your gf doesn't find out? Pretty sure the hospital won't give out any info if you tell them not to. Maybe there's a way out of this you haven't thought of.

 

[roxi2873]

I was only in the hospital for a couple hours. This all happened a week ago, if I was smart I would have just not told her about it. I'm sure she would have found out though.

 

[HYDRO_CHRONIC]

I wouldn't have said anything...just the way I am

 

[neversickanymore]

I would get back to doing the good things you were doing. The addicted portion of our brain is much more powerful then our conscious brain. If we find ourselves in a position that we can use without needing to solve any problems to do so chances are almost certain we are going to use. I'm sorry to hear you lost your girl again. You may get her back or you may not, but if you return to use you certanly won't get her back.

Non addicts have a tough time understanding us and we can be more than a nightmare to love. Sometimes I try and explain it to non addicts by saying ok you want to know what its like? Then please decide your not going to eat anything for a week and see how much of a choice eating is for you.

You did the right thing on telling her. This way you still have a chance. If you did not tell her and she found out through the grape vine you may not have had any chance.

I would just return to what you were doing and make any adjustments you need to your plan to try and aviod what caused the relapse.

Glad your still around.

 

[roxi2873]

I've tried to explain what it's like to be an addict to her for so long, she still thinks I do the shit because I'm selfish and only think about myself. The best thing I could come up with is its like getting mad at a dog who gets into the trash and makes a mess. It doesn't know any better.

 

[herbavore]

I've tried to explain what it's like to be an addict to her for so long, she still thinks I do the shit because I'm selfish and only think about myself. The best thing I could come up with is its like getting mad at a dog who gets into the trash and makes a mess. It doesn't know any better.

I'd use that same analogy but with a slightly different spin; the dog may very well "know" better but cannot over-ride the part of the brain that simply shuts down that knowledge in the stress of a craving. I wonder if it would be at all possible for you to ask your girlfriend to read some good literature or on-line information about addiction and the brain? Ignorance (and I use that word without judgment) leads to compounded harm.

How are you holding up now, roxi?

 

[IVLeague]

There is always hope bro I've been exactly where your at now I have a little over three months clean again and I lost the girl I loved a 5 year relationship because I chose heroin over her but things are getting better I wish you the best people make mistakes you can turn it around life is hard but it's what you make it wish ya the best keep your head up

 

[Ligaturd]

I think you did the right thing telling her. Honesty is the first step towards affecting real change. If you didn't tell her it would be extremely disingenuous, but you did and you respect her and yourself enough to have told her. She had a right to know. You are both hurting but what's done is done and what really matters is the direction you are headed right now, try not to dwell on negativity and just look forward.

You never know what the future holds but I suggest you dive right into recovery and use this pain as motivation to grow as a person. Prove to yourself and possibly to her that you don't want this anymore. Maybe you can reconnect after awhile but if not you still have something to draw on in the future to guide behavioral tendencies. When people aren't ready to quit they usually become apathetic after losing what is important to them in life but we can make that decision not to use it as an excuse to give up but as a reason to try harder.

I've lost an awful lot trying to get clean, just one thing after another. So many times I have wanted to just give up but I know where using will get me and I am determined to make it. We all have the power to escape addiction, it has to come from inside us though.

Some addicts alienate all the people they love and aren't fortunate enough to have people that are still willing to be there for them and it ends up feeling like there is no way out but that is an illusion. We have the power to shape our own perceptions and therefore our behavior, but we have to choose to perceive things in a way that will allow us to regain control of our own willpower.

I really hope things work out for you and I hope you can keep this person in your life in some capacity. Your heart is definitely in the right place and you did the right thing telling her.

 

[S3TH5150]

You're doing better than I am. Been up for 4 days snorting meth and eating any pill I can really get my hands on, not sure why. Because I can? Any who, my girl isn't even really a fan of weed up until a couple weeks ago & I've been doing this since before we got together, she doesn't know about the meth, she's been pissed because I was taking pills to begin with, so I told her I stopped, which I did for a few months, even the meth, got into one argument, she left, I was destroying myself still am, she came back just to give me sympathy I'd think. You did the right thing. If I would've been honest from the beginning I probably would have gotten better help and she would know and help me, you did the right thing even if heart break happened. Maybe I wouldn't be tearing into myself if I told her, she has no clue at all. And when she finds out, deuces. At least you can tell her the truth

 

[w0w0mg]

Don't let the situation ruin you, I have a story that is close to yours.
I had finally got back into my families trust, I had the ability to actually come visit after 6 years.
One day, my mom was coming to pick me up to take me back to their home and I had overdosed on u-47700.
She had found me and called 911 and I was 1 minute from brain damage (so I was told). Well, this did not stop me.
I came to my parents house, again this is 6 years I have never been welcomed to their home, and I OVERDOSE AGAIN.
IN THEIR HOME. My mother finds me, has to do CPR for 10 minutes before EMS comes and hits me with 4 mg of narcan to bring me back.
I had burned a bridge yet again, but you know what? I have not given up, I am now clean, no kratom, no u-477700, no heroin, NOTHING.
I went to detox and now I'm hitting up AA and NA meetings as much as I can.
It gets better man, don't let one mistake ruin you.
Much love.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Hey I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles.you say the 2min was the most peace you've had,but in the beginning of the post you mentioned you were clean,good job girlfriend so I guess that meant joy happiness sense of belonging and alomst to say completeness.you made a wrong turn yes,and its hard to put into words and make non users or ¡°normal¡±people understand.so you made a choice when you took that girl knowingly that she doesn't approve of your old habbits,she forgave you your wrongdoings so I guess in her way she tried to sympathize and understand.I don't believe in saying ¡°I was an addict¡±or past abuser.the struggle is lifelong and altough I'm clean I'll forever be an addict.I tried to explain to my husband who enjoys an occasional whiskey and beer.he should look at it like this,if he's tired after work he'll drink a beer.if he's stressed bout a project he'll have a shot or a beer.Same with me if I'm tired I dose on codeine.if I'm stressed I'll take a alzam.people gracefully normalise drinking but frown upon medication.car accidents,alcohol poisoning,so many domestic violence occur associated with alcohol.Back to the point.you made a mistake you are human,but you have to choose at some point.the normal happy life with job,gf,babies or let her go if your not fully on-board.you must feel deeply about her to be afraid if she learns the truth.be honest and open up to her,you are not the victim she is,yes you almost died(at your own doing)so now its time to man up.I hope she forgives you,and believes in you enough to stand by your side.your still alive for a reason and only you will know what that reason is.Goodluck xx