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One of those days

B

Beat Narrative

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2011
Messages
306
Location
Melbourne
I am presently 4 weeks clean of opiates and in that 4 weeks i have been drinking at rather stupid levels (i have always been a rather big drinker), my drinking seems to be the only thing that is fixing the anxiety that opiates used to cure

After another night of virtual insomnia and finally getting some sleep about midday and woke up at 4pm an anxious wreck, first thing i did was go and get a two bottles of wine and proceeded to start drinking them. By the time my partner got home i was an emotinal mess and told her how i am frightened that my drinking is getting to a really bad point and that i have been very tempted to use opiates as they were my perfect anxiety cure and i honestly have not felt able to function properly on a daily basis since i gave them up

She basically said she has had enough of me and packed her bags and left, i am really frightened an 8 year relationship has just walked out on me, i was just trying to be honest and tell her how i was feeling but i fear i did not articulate it well enough

She has basically given me an ultimatum that if i develop opiate habit its over (this was before today), i love her so much but i am really struggling although still abstaining, only just!

If i ruin my relationship because of drugs i am worried about how i will resond, so the obvious choice is to sober up, i really wish my brain responded to that logic

I apologise, today has been the worst day in a long while, i posted this for the selfish reason of expression, its therapeutic

Another one of those shitty days
 
Expression is healthy and I am glad you posted. I can imagine that you feel both scared and alone. It sounds like getting help for the underlying anxiety is something that could help you immensely. Replacing opiate addiction with an alcohol addiction cannot do anything other than harm you and I know you already know that. Anxiety is such a bitch because it feeds itself. Even though it is a formidable foe, I know that it is possible to overcome it without masking it with drugs and alcohol. There are so many therapies and practices that can help give you tools to combat it as it arises and it sounds like that is what you need to investigate. Have you tried seeking non-drug help for your anxiety? (I don't want to list a lot of things that you may have already tried, so I will wait for your response.)

Hang in there today and try to see this (her ultimatum and your realization) as the necessary and uncomfortable first step of what you know you need to do. Continue to post here as much as you need for support--that is what we are here for! No need to apologize.<3
 
Hi Beat Narrative. You need to be very careful with the drinking. I became an alcoholic because after coming off a long-term heroin habit I too was self-medicating with it to deal with the consequences of my addiction, the impact it had had on my life-style and life chances, and my deep depression because of it all. It's hard I know, but you have to put the drinking away for your own sake.

Your emotions are inevitably going to be all over the place following an opiate detox. After medicating them away with opiates for so long they're returning with avengeance, and they will feel very intense because you've not been used to how real emotions feel for however long you were using for. You will find this difficult, there's no two ways about it, but 4 weeks is not long at all, and you have to give them more time to settle down as you get more used to dealing with them. Drinking can only make that harder, and make things worse, because it is a depressant in its own right, and anxiety tends to follow on the rebound from a session of heavy drinking. Your self-medicating with booze is doing the exact opposite of what you intend then, so it's completely counter-productive. Stop now.

Your g/f seems to have laid down an ultimatum that at least allows you a way back. I think you should take that as the wake-up call that it is, and talk long and hard with her. Explain where you're at, and that while you have no plans to relapse, and are fighting the temptation to use, you're struggling with the emotions you're feeling. If she cares anything for you at all she will want to help you with that, but you must be open and honest with her because otherwise she will have no way of knowing what kind of help you need, or what help to give. I suspect that she will be relieved and only too eager to help so long as she knows you are trying to move forward with this and put things right for the both of you. You may also want to think about whether you might need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds for a time to stabilise things and get you through this period of emotional turbulence, so a visit to the doc may be in order.

Congrats on coming off by the way. You should be proud of yourself, and you should also be pleased with yourself. Try and really feel that, and hang onto that and put it to use. Focus on all the positive things you've done getting to this point, and on the positive things that could come from it with time and a little effort on your part. I wish you luck with it.
 
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I think you now realize that you'll have to give them both up. I've seen so many folks in your position, and, in a milder way, I was like you. When I quit opiates, I initially thought that it was okay to drink when I wanted a buzz. Hell, it wasn't my drug of choice so it must have been okay, right? Wrong. Before I knew it, that glass of red wine with dinner turned into me throwing back Johnny Walker Red by myself in the middle of the day. And I had never been a "drinker" before.

So now I know that I can't touch any substance. None of it. Staying off my DOC and using something else to cope with your anxiety means you're not sober. You're not in recovery.

Where is your anxiety coming from? Quitting opiates? What did you use? How did you quit? Are you going to NA or AA? Rehab is great if you can do it but it's what happens AFTER rehab that matters most. If you're not in AA, I think you should be, because right now you're "white-knuckling" your way through it and that doesn't work. You need support from people who have been through it before. You can't expect your girlfriend to understand everything. Who does she get to turn to with the pain and anxiety she has suffered from your addiction? Not you. Eventually you can talk about it, but you need to get clean first. And you need to do it for yourself, first.
 
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Alcohol is a very enabling substance in the sense that if you're struggling to give up another drug, and doing so is difficult enough while you're sober, you're almost surely going to screw up one time when drunk. It's more a matter of "when" and not "if." Think about it. You're drinking (at least to some extent) to replace your opiate habit (here, you're replacing your own treatment of your anxiety), yet the alcohol has a high chance of leading you back to the opiate. The opiate-alochol-opiate loop is a common one, as is the benzo-alcohol-benzo loop (which is the one I got stuck in for years). You don't want to chance yourself going into one of these, as they are expensive, dangerous and in many ways more traumatic than a single-drug habit.

Let me preface this next part by stating that I'm not a doctor nor should what I say necessarily be followed. But one of the things that people who go on Suboxone for opiate maintenance tend to notice is that the whole alcohol experience loses its appeal - both in desire to drink and in the effects of alcohol. If you do a search on BL about Suboxone+Alcohol, you might find more in-depth information on this, as I really only know of the correlation. Now there are other complications with being on mid/long-term opiate maintenance, but if you are in a position to talk with a medical professional about your addictions and your addictive personality screwing up your personal and/or professional lives, maybe you could try Suboxone maintenance. You have been off opiates for a bit now, though, so you may have missed that train. Just something to think about.

What the others are saying is true, that the alcohol is only going to add to your anxiety, self-hate and depression. And to your problems. With that said, simply putting the bottle down isn't going to magically solve everything either. Sure, you're going to feel a lot better in upcoming weeks, both as the acute alcohol WD goes away and as the opiate addiction continues to move into your past. But your anxious thoughts will still be there. It's life. We all have that.

What you need to do is teach yourself to be more open to mid- and long-term solutions to anxiety, depression, as well as practical problems. As addicts, we tend to think in the short-term. I need a drink now. The dopeman needs to answer his phone now. If I can make it through tonight, I'll be okay. And sure, when you throw physical addiction into the mix, we're almost forced into thinking in the short-term.

The problem is that nearly all short-term solutions to life's problems ultimately lead to bigger, worse problems. If there existed simple solutions to such things, people wouldn't drink or use drugs nearly as much. However, a lot of the longer solutions are effective. Eat well, exercise, meet new people, read, collect something new, take on a new job, get a pet, travel, etc. As well, you'll find that the HAPPINESS that one gets from long-term goals being met is much, much more rewarding than the short-term EUPHORIA from things like drugs. It might not feel quite as good in the moment of it all, but it will let you sleep at night, not freak out while you're driving to work, have the courage to break through your own insecurities, and the like. You will also learn a lot about yourself, good things, mind you.
 
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Thanks everyone for your constructive and thoughtful replies

The last couple of days have been really tough, my partner seems to not wanna know me and i have been feeling self destructive, but i have refrained from opiates and i am proud of that at least, its made me realise i am making these changes for me not for someone else, otherwise i would have been back into bad habits as soon as she left

I am making one change at a time, no opiates for a month now, i have now gone without weed for 2 days (longest time in memory) next is alcohol, i fear alcohol might be the trickiest of them all though. I think doing one thing at a time is the only manageable way for me, having a couple of days away from weed has been amazing (daily smoking for around 10 years) i am going to give it a few more days and if i keep feeling better i may do the previously unthinkable and cut it down entirely

I am also doing something that i have never done before and thats give my partner space, i always want immediate resoloution to things and for everyone to get along as quickly as possible, well i have not tried to contact her in two days and have left it to her to contact me, which is a HUGE thing for me because i always feel i need to influence the situation and that results in me making false promises which just allows the cycle to evolve

I have however been awake for two days, and my anxiety is driving me nuts, maybe time for some valium and wine and hopefully watch arsenal get stuffed by blackburn

my apologies for ranting but sometimes things don't occur to you until you start to express yourself

Thankyou Bluelight for providing this resource and thanks for everyones wise and thoughtful contributions, i am very thankful

I think i need some sleep
 
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Missykins said:
I think you now realize that you'll have to give them both up. I've seen so many folks in your position, and, in a milder way, I was like you. When I quit opiates, I initially thought that it was okay to drink when I wanted a buzz. Hell, it wasn't my drug of choice so it must have been okay, right? Wrong. Before I knew it, that glass of red wine with dinner turned into me throwing back Johnny Walker Red by myself in the middle of the day. And I had never been a "drinker" before.

So now I know that I can't touch any substance. None of it. Staying off my DOC and using something else to cope with your anxiety means you're not sober. You're not in recovery.

Where is your anxiety coming from? Quitting opiates? What did you use? How did you quit? Are you going to NA or AA? Rehab is great if you can do it but it's what happens AFTER rehab that matters most. If you're not in AA, I think you should be, because right now you're "white-knuckling" your way through it and that doesn't work. You need support from people who have been through it before. You can't expect your girlfriend to understand everything. Who does she get to turn to with the pain and anxiety she has suffered from your addiction? Not you. Eventually you can talk about it, but you need to get clean first. And you need to do it for yourself, first.
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Thankyou for your very direct and honest reply, i have been doing everything without any peer support (AA/NA) and i now realise this has been impacting on my partner and i have been selfish because as soon as she gets upset i start getting on my sobriety high horse about the effort i am making, i have not acknowledged that as she is someone who loves me it will have a profound impact on her as well
I should have realised this as i have been in her situation as a child, but my self absorbstion clouded my ability to empathise with her and your post woke me up to that, thank you
 
It's a must to have peer support. You won't make it without it, at least that's my opinion. And trust in relationships is regained through your actions, not your words.
 
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