To any one who reads this if this is considered glorifying drug use or goes against the user agreement please let me know and I will be happy to edit or whatever is necessary to comply with the rules.
I am sitting here at 2:30 in the morning high yet again off Neurontin after yet another day of doing absolutely nothing and as usual my mind is all over this place and this memory popped into my head.
8 years ago......
My husband has gone to bed and I am left to stay up and finish the laundry even though I have to get up just as early as him for work.
I begin my usual nightly routine. I swallow 2 or 3 Percocet and go downstairs to the den where the liquor is. There are several bottles lining the shelves and I pick the one that is the fullest. I do not care if it's vodka, tequila, or whiskey. I don't care how it tastes or if it makes me gag. I take 5 or 6 swallows of whatever it is. (I do remember the vanilla vodka though and remember I loved the taste. And as I talk about this I am really craving it again)
I start a load of laundry. Pick up the bottle again and take a few swallows then the bottle and I cuddle up on the couch in the den and watch the tv. The warmth is starting to spread and combined with the Percocet I'm starting to feel that all too familiar soft fuzzy feeling in the center of my body. I swallow some more of my liquid friend and go to the garage for a cigarette.
I repeat this pattern again. Liquor, load of laundry, liquor, tv, and more liquor.
By now I am completely numb. Physically numb, mentally numb, and emotionally numb. Completely numb almost painfully numb and I liked it.
I suppose a good anology (I don't know if that's the right word or even if I spelled it right) a good anology would be when I was a little girl and hug my stuffed bear tight as I slept and I felt safe. Only this time it was like the stuffed bear was holding my tight from the inside out. Making me feel safe, accepted and loved.
This is where the fondest and saddest memory begins.
It is around midnight by now. I go out to the garage for another cigarette. I open the door to the backyard and stand in the doorway watching the smoke drift up and away into the sky. It was the middle of winter and there had been a bad ice and snow storm the day before.
The backyard is covered in snow that is covered in the most beautiful ice crystals I've ever seen. The full moon bounces off the ice and illuminates every thing. The naked trees are covered in that same beautiful ice. The neighborhood is completely quiet and it's just me and my liquor created teddy bear.
There is no one critisizing me, making me feel worthless. There is only this feeling of being completely numb to all by bad feelings and the innocent pureness of the white snow and beautiful ice.
I stand there in the door way in nothing but a shortsleeved shirt, a pair of jeans, and a pair of flip flops. I feel so warm and safe and accepted. I stand there and smoke cigarette after cigarette and bask in the warm glow of numbness.
After the last load of laundry was put in the dryer I climb into bed and lay my head on the pillow. My head is spinning and I have a smile on my face. I hold on tight to that liquor induced teddy bear.
This was my routine for 6 months every night. This is one of my fondest memories and I still crave that feeling So much even 8 years later and it scares me that it is as such.
What does it mean?
To be continued.....
I am sitting here at 2:30 in the morning high yet again off Neurontin after yet another day of doing absolutely nothing and as usual my mind is all over this place and this memory popped into my head.
8 years ago......
My husband has gone to bed and I am left to stay up and finish the laundry even though I have to get up just as early as him for work.
I begin my usual nightly routine. I swallow 2 or 3 Percocet and go downstairs to the den where the liquor is. There are several bottles lining the shelves and I pick the one that is the fullest. I do not care if it's vodka, tequila, or whiskey. I don't care how it tastes or if it makes me gag. I take 5 or 6 swallows of whatever it is. (I do remember the vanilla vodka though and remember I loved the taste. And as I talk about this I am really craving it again)
I start a load of laundry. Pick up the bottle again and take a few swallows then the bottle and I cuddle up on the couch in the den and watch the tv. The warmth is starting to spread and combined with the Percocet I'm starting to feel that all too familiar soft fuzzy feeling in the center of my body. I swallow some more of my liquid friend and go to the garage for a cigarette.
I repeat this pattern again. Liquor, load of laundry, liquor, tv, and more liquor.
By now I am completely numb. Physically numb, mentally numb, and emotionally numb. Completely numb almost painfully numb and I liked it.
I suppose a good anology (I don't know if that's the right word or even if I spelled it right) a good anology would be when I was a little girl and hug my stuffed bear tight as I slept and I felt safe. Only this time it was like the stuffed bear was holding my tight from the inside out. Making me feel safe, accepted and loved.
This is where the fondest and saddest memory begins.
It is around midnight by now. I go out to the garage for another cigarette. I open the door to the backyard and stand in the doorway watching the smoke drift up and away into the sky. It was the middle of winter and there had been a bad ice and snow storm the day before.
The backyard is covered in snow that is covered in the most beautiful ice crystals I've ever seen. The full moon bounces off the ice and illuminates every thing. The naked trees are covered in that same beautiful ice. The neighborhood is completely quiet and it's just me and my liquor created teddy bear.
There is no one critisizing me, making me feel worthless. There is only this feeling of being completely numb to all by bad feelings and the innocent pureness of the white snow and beautiful ice.
I stand there in the door way in nothing but a shortsleeved shirt, a pair of jeans, and a pair of flip flops. I feel so warm and safe and accepted. I stand there and smoke cigarette after cigarette and bask in the warm glow of numbness.
After the last load of laundry was put in the dryer I climb into bed and lay my head on the pillow. My head is spinning and I have a smile on my face. I hold on tight to that liquor induced teddy bear.
This was my routine for 6 months every night. This is one of my fondest memories and I still crave that feeling So much even 8 years later and it scares me that it is as such.
What does it mean?
To be continued.....
