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TDS One of my best friends killed himself

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
9,428
Location
The Valley of Ashes
I don't know where to turn.
I posted in the bereavement thread but nothing is enough. I told my best friends, I told my family, I told the people in EADD who knew him. Nothing helps, nothing is bringing him back.
I want to climb onto the highest mountain in the world and scream that I miss him and cry until he comes back. I want to get into my bed and never get out until I can join him wherever he is now. I want him to have a second chance to be happier in this life.
He was a good person. He was a good person, and he never got to be happy. He was never given the fucking break he deserved. I'm so sad he never got to be happy. It sounds so weak but I don't know how else to put it. It's just total sadness. He deserved better. He should have gotten it.
I don't believe in an afterlife so I wish he could've stayed among us longer, until he'd gotten the chance to get the happiness. But I don't blame him for what he did, I understand. I'm just so fucking sorry for him.
So what do I do now? I'll never see him again. Never.
Never is a long time.

My first instinct was to go get heroin, but he hated that I ever used it and he was so proud of me when I quit. So I won't get heroin. But then what?
I've been listening to his favourite songs since yesterday morning and crying, but it doesn't change the facts. Nothing can change the facts.

I loved him and I need him back. The world is empty now. Someone please help me. I don't know what to do.
 
Hi page I'm so sorry for your loss:(. It is quite difficult to deal with a loss as for everyone else but please hun do not resort into drugs. Like what you have already mentioned that he hated Heroine and if you got it you don't want him getting an right so be strong hun and make him more proud. This a test of your will power and if you can get through this you will be stronger in the upcoming obstacles in your life.
 
try to just remember all the good times you had together and look back in joy instead of feeling the pain of loosing him but that being said give yourself time to grieve
 
Make a shrine with a lot of candles. If I said seeing threads like this didnt phase me id be lying. I'm lighting a candle for your dearly departed. In loving memory, Always Remembered, Never Forgotten.
 
Sending you all my love and strength, Pagey.
It's very distressing to hear of such tragedies taking place..
It takes time to heal from something this devastating, and I know that you are trying your hardest to overcome this speedbump.
Hang in there and stay strong. I'm Proud of you for knocking back the gear too. <3
 
Hiya Pagey,
Just seen your blog in Blogs n I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I can't begin to understand what you are going through, n I don't really know you, if you need anyone to talk to or to vent you are more than welcome to
PM me n we are all here for you.
Evey xxx
 
I went through a similar situation.
I don't believe in an afterlife either, so I understand the bleakness you might be feeling.
It will always hurt...the only thing that helped me to feel more content (not less sad, but less turbulent) was realizing that he lived an entire life just like the rest of us will. It was shorter, yeah, and more tragic...but does the amount of time we're alive or the manner in which we die really define our lives? We all face the same struggle. Your friends struggle is over, but who is to say that his fight was any less valiant than any of ours?
 
There's no play book for grieving over a loved ones death.
The pain is enormous and feels like it will never end. Especially if you don't believe in metaphorical Santa Clauses...
With time though... It does get easier... It's never gone but the huge hole gets smaller progressively over time.
It's all I can offer and its cliche but at some point, usually the 2 year mark, you're relationship with the experience changes into something in your life that happened and that you can talk about to others in a 'healthy' way
 
If it's not too personal, may I ask were you on good terms with him before he passed? Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, what do you think he would want you to do? Hurt yourself too, or grieve but realize that it wasn't your fault and that it was his decision? That's my hypocritical advice because I know how I would handle it. I don't even really like to think about things like this since everyone eventually dies. Family members, pets...
 
Pagey - I'm sorry. I also lost a good friend to drugs and misery a few years ago so I know how you feel.

It's going to take a long time to heal.. so far I still can't think of her without being sad, but drugs won't help you. He would want you to make it. I'm going to go tear up now.

Best wishes Pagey!
 
:( I'm sorry for your loss. Two people I knew killed themselves and it takes time; but it does get better. You're doing the right thing by not using drugs to cope with being sad.
 
I understand, I don't personally believe in the idea of an afterlife in the strict sense of the word, but the fact is that regardless of what happens after we die we will all go there together. Me, you, all of us, and him, will all be together in the end. Remember that; wherever he's gone, we will all be there soon enough. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but personally that thought's always helped when I'm in a situation where I find I need to come to grips with death...but I also have somewhat limited experience with losing those close to me, so perhaps I'm not the best source.

Oh, but do remember that if this fellow is anything like most people I know who are that down on themselves, I'm guessing one of the few things that gave him some degree of comfort was the knowledge that at least those around him were happy even if he wasn't. Therefore, if you wish to honor his memory, which it sounds like you do, keep in mind that I'm quite positive he wouldn't have wanted to have been responsible for having caused a good friend of his such pain. That means by coming to terms with his death you'll be both helping yourself and doing what I'm sure he would've wanted for you.
 
I'm sorry to hear of your loss pagey. Two of the most beautiful people I knew in life died tragically at young ages without ever coming near to their full potential. Seek out those who knew him as well, and talk about the happy times you shared together. A close personal friend of mine who had similar experiences in his past told me that such an event is like a deep wound. In time it can heal if taken care of... it will hurt like hell, but with time that wound will heal. The scar will always be there, and on cold days it may ache; but the pain will lessen, and eventually it will be a closed wound. Just try to remember the good as much as possible, and know that the pain you feel now is much better than the way some people repress their emotions and go into a sort of traumatic shock. Imagine as well how he would want you to feel. I'm sure he wished you no pain... remember that using drugs will keep you from experiencing the emotions you need to. There will be bright days again in your future as long as you allow there to be. I can tell you have a big heart, and those who are sensitive have an especially hard time grieving. Grief fucking hurts, but it is necessary. Do not hide, but instead walk through the pain and grow from this experience.
 
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