Once again

[doofqueen]

I’m not real happy with the ending. I think it gets worse as it goes along and I tried too hard to make it all rhyme and I hardly ever do that but always wish my stuff would rhyme… how could I fix it? Is it very cliche?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luscious kisses
To match the
Pink night skies

Lots of I miss you’s
And scents divine
As time flies past

Melancholy kisses
Sweet and dirty
Just to my taste

Hearts that beat
A conscious connected
Wont go to waste

Flowery thoughts
Have returned to have
Passion once more

I’m yours
You’re mine
Lock the door

 

[aphrodite-84]

I find this really mushy and gushy and all those sugary things too. Normally, I won't dig it but I really think this has alot of neat imagery in it. Why don't you go through it again see what you can improve in it? Maybe try to elaborate with metaphors in each stanza, it really is the wording that turns me off of this. Personally, I am not a fan of rhyming poems, I find there aren't many people that can actually do them justice. I am more a fan of rhythm and imagery. It is kind of cliche but who cares, things are cliche for a reason (which is cliche of me to say). I think you could make it perhaps a little more realistic, although, I am jaded in my perspective on love and the things I most cherish are the things that are not pretty or flowery or pink. That is why I don't like the wording, it's too pretty. I do think this comes with cute imagery of happy love and I don't know how you could fix it but just go through it and see what you think.
(I am horrible with critiquing)
keep writing I like to read yours

Anyways, cute.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i like this in as an excersize in realizing feelings. it makes sense. i think the thing it needs is more complex imagry. Although simplicity can be a boon often times we are weighed down by the minutia of thought and history of love to recall the simplistic aspect that cause so much joy.

i think this stanza sets the tone of your poem but it isnt reflected in the following lines:

Melancholy kisses
Sweet and dirty
Just to my taste

This is an awesome sentiment and it begs exploration because the words and juxtaposition are right on and rythm is great.

 

[New]

Yeah, this poem is really visual, and that's a good thing.

 

[doofqueen]

I find this really mushy and gushy and all those sugary things too. Normally, I won't dig it but I really think this has alot of neat imagery in it. Why don't you go through it again see what you can improve in it? Maybe try to elaborate with metaphors in each stanza, it really is the wording that turns me off of this. Personally, I am not a fan of rhyming poems, I find there aren't many people that can actually do them justice. I am more a fan of rhythm and imagery. It is kind of cliche but who cares, things are cliche for a reason (which is cliche of me to say). I think you could make it perhaps a little more realistic, although, I am jaded in my perspective on love and the things I most cherish are the things that are not pretty or flowery or pink. That is why I don't like the wording, it's too pretty. I do think this comes with cute imagery of happy love and I don't know how you could fix it but just go through it and see what you think.
(I am horrible with critiquing)
keep writing I like to read yours

Anyways, cute.

True about the rhyming - I don't normally try and rhyme and more so just go with rhythem and flow (well try to anyway) I think it needs expanding also. Thanks

 

[doofqueen]

i like this in as an excersize in realizing feelings. it makes sense. i think the thing it needs is more complex imagry. Although simplicity can be a boon often times we are weighed down by the minutia of thought and history of love to recall the simplistic aspect that cause so much joy.

i think this stanza sets the tone of your poem but it isnt reflected in the following lines:



This is an awesome sentiment and it begs exploration because the words and juxtaposition are right on and rythm is great.

Thanks! I will try and work on it and if i add/change it will post it up.

Thanks also to new