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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me an OD on the bedroom floor

C

cosmicranch

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2010
Messages
8
I have never joined anything like this before but my life is so fucked up and it's gotten so deep that knowone really knows whats going on with me. I have been a herion addict for almost three years, on suboxone for 2 but I still do dope anytime I have extra cash. I am in love with the man I started using with and we've both done some fucked up shit just to get cash to get high. I want to change so bad and so does he but it's so hard. My family hates him and probably would hate me too it they knew the truth about me. They only know about him and they think I've been in recovery for 2 years. I moved back to my hometown to get better with him 2 years ago. To make a long story short he's been caught and I haven't. I want to be close with my family and old friends but they all insist I leave him. I love him and I'm just as bad if not worse than he is but better at hiding it. Last week he OD'd on heroin and when we got home from the hospital we used the rest of our stash even though we both felt so stupid for doing it. We haven't used since then and we both want to start fresh for the new year. I have hopes we can get clean and be together but my family and friends will be out of my life if I choose him. I've tried to leave him before but I am so codependant and love him so much. I just dream of running away with him and starting a new life. All I want is to get clean, get married to him and have a family. I just wanted to start the new year by telling someone the truth for once and whoever is reading this is that someone.
 
Good for you, you have made a start by at least putting it in words. I think it makes it so difficult to quit when you are in a relationship and both using. In some ways you become each others trigger. But you seem to have a strong idea of what you want for your future, and life is short. Maybe some councelling or proffessional help?
I wish you all the best in reaching for your goals in the coming year.
bx
 
Thanks "trll" for the well wishes.... You are so right about being eachothers trigger. The hardest part to get past for me is the change in our sex life clean vs. high. I guess for me it would be easiest to crossaddict with sex/ but not for him. So I'm used to being high and having sex all of the time and when we get clean we both get depressed and bored and I wanna have sex and he doesn't cause his depression affects him different. Another thing I forgot to mention... He has been a user for 10 years. We have been getting the same dope from the same guy for about 2 months and he did the same amount when he OD'd that he always does. I took a little piece of suboxone earlier in the day which prob. saved me from being blue on the floor. That is scary shit!!
 
I know how you feel about it being hard. I think it's harder when it's two people vs. just one. I know when I want to say no and my husband says yes... I usually give in. The idea of you both getting professional help is probably best... and maybe even going to rehab away from each other for awhile.
 
I think that before you consider relocating in order to get clean you need to look at why doing that before didn't work out. What's changed enough for it to be a successful strategy now?

The idea of separate rehabs is a great one. You need to get to a place where the sobriety of one of you isn't dependent on the sobriety of the other.
 
cosmicranch said:
We haven't used since then and we both want to start fresh for the new year. I have hopes we can get clean and be together but my family and friends will be out of my life if I choose him. I've tried to leave him before but I am so codependant and love him so much. I just dream of running away with him and starting a new life. All I want is to get clean, get married to him and have a family. I just wanted to start the new year by telling someone the truth for once and whoever is reading this is that someone.
Click to expand...

I sincerely wish for you that you can both get clean and obtain the future that you hope for. You CAN make it happen <3

If you ever need support for getting clean there are a LOT of people right here in The Dark Side who have been through exactly what you're going through so you're not alone. Reach out if you need help.

Best of luck <3
 
Well you are definitely on the right track. Its does however spund like you are enabling each other. Co dependance is a bitch to say the least. I think the idea that someone mentioned of you both going to rehab indepndently of each other is the best idea. That way your sobriety depends on you and not your partner and vice versa.

Whatever it is you decide to do I wish you the absolute best. It is indeed doable! I kicked a 3 to 4 g a day habit of H that went on for years that came behind a hefty iv cocaine habit. And I stayed off h for 24 years........it is indeed doable.

Peace prayers and good health to you and your partner.
 
My heart goes out to you both, and I believe that the situation will get better for you if you take steps toward what will, I won't sugar coat it, a very, very difficult experience. Changing everything is overwhelming. But you don't have to do it all at once. I will echo what other BLs have said:try to go to separate rehabs. I was an addiction counselor for 5 years, and my experience with commited couples is that this is your best chance. Get yourselves straight and worry about your family later-easy for me to say, I know. One other thing, you mentioned you are concerned about a change in your sex life. I believe you will find it is much better once you get clean. Good Luck.
 
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