The God
Greenlighter
Hey folks.
Let me start of by saying this will probably be long and though to read. This is the first time i'll be writing something like this, and if I posted this in the wrong section, my excuses.
I consider myself a drug addict. In this case Marijuana. Now for most people this shouldn't be much of a "problem" but in my case it is one hell of a problem.
2 years ago I have had a psychotic breakdown/manic depression. This was after a year of intensive marijuana use. (say about 1-4 grams a day). I was admitted to the hospital where they put me in isolation for about a week. I didn't refuse any medicine they gave me, in this case (zyprexa for anyone who cares) a potent antipsychotic. I came 'back to earth'.
Then they switched my meds to another anti-psychotic. This was followed by full blown psychosis and mania, much worse than before. (I assume the sudden switch of meds triggered this).
So this is what i assume led to the diagnosis they gave me: Schizophrenia.
First of all I'll say i have a hard time accepting I'm actually 'ill', as they tell me I am. I acknowledge the fact that I've had psychosis and a period of mental instability, but caused by drugs, not an illness. Personally I just think i have a certain 'sensitivity' for psychosis.
I'll cut to the chase, this isn't supposed to be an auto-biography. Then again now I'm wondering what this is... Moving on.
So after beeing on APs and ADs for 2 years (while smoking weed the last 1.5 years of it) I decided I should give it a try without any meds. I've been slowly tapering of my AP (invega sustenna, which also acts as a mood stabilizer) over the course of the 2 years.
It's been 8 weeks now without any anti-psychotic injection. By now I could say I'm free of any AP.
I feel though as if I'm becoming insane. There are days where I cry continuously, and others where i joke and laugh. These days of depression come with racing negative thoughts (up to the point of suicidal thoughts). On day when I feel better, or even good, I question my mental health every minute of the day. I feel as if my fear of becoming 'insane' again is actually amplifying any feelings of depression or anxiety.
I should say I still smoke weed, about a joint a day, some days more, less or nothing at all. As of tomorrow I'll be quitting it and am determined to do so. The balance between joy and misery is disturbed. Weed is no longer something I enjoy, but need. I've tried to quit multiple times before. Usually i reserve the right to smoke by saying "what harm can it cause, it's just weed". Wrong, plain wrong.
I've called my psychiatrist when i had another panic attack, saying I have suicidal thoughts and feel as if I'm on the edge of losing my mind. Up to this point, I'm still taking a relative high dose of an anti-depressant, mind you. He said I should start taking the oral version of my AP, which i have here right on my desk. I told him that's no option, I don't want to live a life where you can't enjoy anything you experience, where your feelings are basically so blunted and faded up to the point of pure apathy. There's also this mental fog.. can't connect thoughts or have a decent conversation. I won't even start by saying what effects it has on my body.
A huge dilemma for me. Start on the meds that made me feel as if I had a "Chemical lobotomy", and be "sane" (I prefer the term zombie), or risk becoming insane again. The fear of losing control and be tied down in isolation... The fear of getting injected with chemicals that kill your personality.. The fear of losing myself, relations, future plans, life.
There's so much on my mind which is making me doubt myself. My current girlfriend, which was my ex, is making me so insecure about who i am. I feel as if my limitations are blocking anything i try to achieve in life, and she's rubbing my nose in it. I'm a college student and I'm failing miserably (again, for the 3rd year).
This isn't complete, and I've probably left some key factors out, but it's getting too long.
Greetings from Belgium.
Let me start of by saying this will probably be long and though to read. This is the first time i'll be writing something like this, and if I posted this in the wrong section, my excuses.
I consider myself a drug addict. In this case Marijuana. Now for most people this shouldn't be much of a "problem" but in my case it is one hell of a problem.
2 years ago I have had a psychotic breakdown/manic depression. This was after a year of intensive marijuana use. (say about 1-4 grams a day). I was admitted to the hospital where they put me in isolation for about a week. I didn't refuse any medicine they gave me, in this case (zyprexa for anyone who cares) a potent antipsychotic. I came 'back to earth'.
Then they switched my meds to another anti-psychotic. This was followed by full blown psychosis and mania, much worse than before. (I assume the sudden switch of meds triggered this).
So this is what i assume led to the diagnosis they gave me: Schizophrenia.
First of all I'll say i have a hard time accepting I'm actually 'ill', as they tell me I am. I acknowledge the fact that I've had psychosis and a period of mental instability, but caused by drugs, not an illness. Personally I just think i have a certain 'sensitivity' for psychosis.
I'll cut to the chase, this isn't supposed to be an auto-biography. Then again now I'm wondering what this is... Moving on.
So after beeing on APs and ADs for 2 years (while smoking weed the last 1.5 years of it) I decided I should give it a try without any meds. I've been slowly tapering of my AP (invega sustenna, which also acts as a mood stabilizer) over the course of the 2 years.
It's been 8 weeks now without any anti-psychotic injection. By now I could say I'm free of any AP.
I feel though as if I'm becoming insane. There are days where I cry continuously, and others where i joke and laugh. These days of depression come with racing negative thoughts (up to the point of suicidal thoughts). On day when I feel better, or even good, I question my mental health every minute of the day. I feel as if my fear of becoming 'insane' again is actually amplifying any feelings of depression or anxiety.
I should say I still smoke weed, about a joint a day, some days more, less or nothing at all. As of tomorrow I'll be quitting it and am determined to do so. The balance between joy and misery is disturbed. Weed is no longer something I enjoy, but need. I've tried to quit multiple times before. Usually i reserve the right to smoke by saying "what harm can it cause, it's just weed". Wrong, plain wrong.
I've called my psychiatrist when i had another panic attack, saying I have suicidal thoughts and feel as if I'm on the edge of losing my mind. Up to this point, I'm still taking a relative high dose of an anti-depressant, mind you. He said I should start taking the oral version of my AP, which i have here right on my desk. I told him that's no option, I don't want to live a life where you can't enjoy anything you experience, where your feelings are basically so blunted and faded up to the point of pure apathy. There's also this mental fog.. can't connect thoughts or have a decent conversation. I won't even start by saying what effects it has on my body.
A huge dilemma for me. Start on the meds that made me feel as if I had a "Chemical lobotomy", and be "sane" (I prefer the term zombie), or risk becoming insane again. The fear of losing control and be tied down in isolation... The fear of getting injected with chemicals that kill your personality.. The fear of losing myself, relations, future plans, life.
There's so much on my mind which is making me doubt myself. My current girlfriend, which was my ex, is making me so insecure about who i am. I feel as if my limitations are blocking anything i try to achieve in life, and she's rubbing my nose in it. I'm a college student and I'm failing miserably (again, for the 3rd year).
This isn't complete, and I've probably left some key factors out, but it's getting too long.
Greetings from Belgium.
