On the Brink

[j0706]

I'm new to BL, so if I ramble please forgive me. I'm a recovering alcoholic, middle aged man - just went a 3 day bender, missing work for a couple of days. I was so demoralized about it yesterday I made a decision to go on a hike into the mountains and just fall asleep out there - in the snow. Thank God that the snow was deep, and it was difficult to trudge forward in my condition. After few hours into it I just laid down and starting looking into the sky. I saw a few birds flying above. I started to pray that God get me safely back down the mountain. I had a strange feeling that I was almost ready to end it. Later in the day I just wondered around town with this same feeling. I seemed to be watching a movie of life without me - kind of like I was a ghost or spirit or something. I was really shaken up. I hopped on a bus to head out of town where I was going to admit myself into a detox clinic. Before leaving town I told the driver to let me off - that I had "forgotten" something. I was having a panic attack about what I had actually considered that day. This was the only time I've considered offing myself - all occassions after a horrible drinking binge - but I just seemed so close to the brink. Well, I'm writing this out not to bore anyone but mainly to just release this dark thought I was having. I just needed to tell someone. I've been online for about 2 hours this morning - trying to find something to comfort me. I'm hoping this thread is a good start at that. I tried telling a bartender about it all, but I'd been drinking and really just having a self pity party about loosing a career and family due to a bad alcoholic life. I don't know if anyone can relate to this fear of my own thoughts. I now knows what it's like to be truly out of control and afraid of my own self. That's it. Hopefully there is someone out there who can relate and give me some words of hope. Thanks.

 

[herbavore]

I just sent you a PM so I won't repeat everything here but I did want to say that I hope you will keep checking this because I know that there are so many of us here on TDS that know exactly what you are going through. (Sometimes it takes a little bit for a thread to get going but don't interpret that as anything other than who happens to be online at any given time.)

I think that you are right that simply starting this thread is a very positive step. Reaching out is difficult but ultimately what we have to do; I am so glad that you did.

 

[Jester-Race]

Absolutely the same circumstance ive been through many times before, and im glad you registered to post this. I can profoundly help you one on one any time you need it for sure. Anything you're willing to talk about I'm open ears, and very curious.

I've been there, done that. Let me know how it works out, and I hope it works out the best for you.

 

[DexterMeth]

I'm new to BL, so if I ramble please forgive me. I'm a recovering alcoholic, middle aged man - just went a 3 day bender, missing work for a couple of days. I was so demoralized about it yesterday I made a decision to go on a hike into the mountains and just fall asleep out there - in the snow. Thank God that the snow was deep, and it was difficult to trudge forward in my condition. After few hours into it I just laid down and starting looking into the sky. I saw a few birds flying above. I started to pray that God get me safely back down the mountain. I had a strange feeling that I was almost ready to end it. Later in the day I just wondered around town with this same feeling. I seemed to be watching a movie of life without me - kind of like I was a ghost or spirit or something. I was really shaken up. I hopped on a bus to head out of town where I was going to admit myself into a detox clinic. Before leaving town I told the driver to let me off - that I had "forgotten" something. I was having a panic attack about what I had actually considered that day. This was the only time I've considered offing myself - all occassions after a horrible drinking binge - but I just seemed so close to the brink. Well, I'm writing this out not to bore anyone but mainly to just release this dark thought I was having. I just needed to tell someone. I've been online for about 2 hours this morning - trying to find something to comfort me. I'm hoping this thread is a good start at that. I tried telling a bartender about it all, but I'd been drinking and really just having a self pity party about loosing a career and family due to a bad alcoholic life. I don't know if anyone can relate to this fear of my own thoughts. I now knows what it's like to be truly out of control and afraid of my own self. That's it. Hopefully there is someone out there who can relate and give me some words of hope. Thanks.

I can relate, and you should write a book. Seriously. That imagery blew me away. -Cheers