katmeow
Bluelight Crew
It's four years today since my mum died. This has been sitting on my mind for a while. I'm not sure that it' overly coherant, more I mish-mash of thoughts, but I felt like writing something tonight.
*~*~*~*
When I was younger I was afraid of the dark. Or not so much the dark itself, but the feelings that emerged after dark. For a long time I thought it was fear of death. It's only as I've gotten older that I've been able to place it. For as long as I can remember, I've had this impending sense of panic that I'm running out of time. Indeed it's true, every day is a step closer to death. But it's more than that. There is an ever present feeling that I don't have enough time to achieve everything I'd like to do with my life. This is coupled with the growing realisation that no matter what I do, my life probably wont have much impact in the scheme of things. I despair at the state of the world, yet I despair even more at my own lack of contribution.
The one comfort on my late nights of insomnia were the snippets of my parent's conversations. Fuelled by scotch and beer, they'd talk and laugh the night away over card games or Trivial Pursuit. Tales of their travels, their hopes and plans filtered down the hallway. I was always amazed that after 25 years, they still hadn't run out of words. Eventually I would drift off to sleep, safe in the knowledge, that at least all was right with my small part of the world.
Four years ago, I suddenly came face to face with the reality that my parents were indeed fallible. My mum dropped me off for work one morning and took my sister to a swimming carnival. She collapsed in the grandstand from a massive heart attack and couldn't be revived. Life as I knew it was irrevocably altered. Years pass and life goes on (as it is want to do). They say time heals all wounds, but a little piece of my heart remains heavy. There are many nights I still lie awake, thoughts in turmoil. The ending of another day serves as a reminder that time is ebbing away. There is no comfort to be found in the quiet of our house now. My dad is alone. I am alone. In the end we are all alone.
And in the silence, a clock ticks.
*~*~*~*
When I was younger I was afraid of the dark. Or not so much the dark itself, but the feelings that emerged after dark. For a long time I thought it was fear of death. It's only as I've gotten older that I've been able to place it. For as long as I can remember, I've had this impending sense of panic that I'm running out of time. Indeed it's true, every day is a step closer to death. But it's more than that. There is an ever present feeling that I don't have enough time to achieve everything I'd like to do with my life. This is coupled with the growing realisation that no matter what I do, my life probably wont have much impact in the scheme of things. I despair at the state of the world, yet I despair even more at my own lack of contribution.
The one comfort on my late nights of insomnia were the snippets of my parent's conversations. Fuelled by scotch and beer, they'd talk and laugh the night away over card games or Trivial Pursuit. Tales of their travels, their hopes and plans filtered down the hallway. I was always amazed that after 25 years, they still hadn't run out of words. Eventually I would drift off to sleep, safe in the knowledge, that at least all was right with my small part of the world.
Four years ago, I suddenly came face to face with the reality that my parents were indeed fallible. My mum dropped me off for work one morning and took my sister to a swimming carnival. She collapsed in the grandstand from a massive heart attack and couldn't be revived. Life as I knew it was irrevocably altered. Years pass and life goes on (as it is want to do). They say time heals all wounds, but a little piece of my heart remains heavy. There are many nights I still lie awake, thoughts in turmoil. The ending of another day serves as a reminder that time is ebbing away. There is no comfort to be found in the quiet of our house now. My dad is alone. I am alone. In the end we are all alone.
And in the silence, a clock ticks.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
i wish i still lived in NSW near you so we could bum round together and all but i WILL see you soon 
