Isn't it funny how what we fear most will often appear in our lives? One of my biggest fears is being Rejected.
I went to a work mate's party yesterday. There's a new chef at work, gorgeous Brazilian guy that I've had my eyes on for long. I never hit on guys unless I'm pretty sure that I won't get no for an answer. I told one of my close friends at work that I liked him, and they had a conversation about me a few weeks ago. I can't remember exactly what he said, but the general impression she got was that he thought I was hot. He was at the party, and I caught him looking at me a few times. A few drinks later, I started hitting on him. He was reluctant, so I got more obvious. Practically stuck my tongue in his mouth, but in a (slightly) more classy way.
And he rejected me! I was like
To make it worse, it seemed he wanted two other girls at the party - one of whom I've had sex with in the past - let's call her K. I got so upset that I decided to completely cockblock him and started flirting with K. I ended up sleeping with her, but I'll get to that point later. In the end, he went home, which I was glad for.
The thing is, I know everyone deals with rejection at some point. Men especially, I think of some men that I've rejected without a second thought, and they don't go all suicidal about it (as far as I know). It makes me feel like a spoiled brat to get all upset just because one guy said no to me, but I honestly am not used to this feeling!!! It's not like I've never been rejected romantically - i've dealt with it many times, especially lately, but I've never had a guy say no to my sexual advances. It really shocked me!
I know I sound ridiculously spoiled, but keep in mind that having had pretty low self-esteem most of my life, rejection *terrifies* me, and I will usually never hit on a guy unless there's a 95% chance he'll say yes.
Anyway, I'm sort of over it emotionally, i'm just amused about my reactions to it, in a purely intellectual way. (I'm also pretty impressed by myself that Im not beating myself up about it, shows me how far I've come with my self esteem)
So we ended up going to my Portugese friend's house in zone 4 in West London (it was her birthday party). Got pretty drunk, and K was pissed as well. She's a French girl I used to work with, crazy party girl that always gets drunk and slutty (just how I like my women, an extra bonus if they look really innocent as well). A couple of years ago when I was really coked up I asked her if she was bisexual, and told her to let me know if she ever wanted to try a woman out. She said no, but then in January we got really drunk together at a staff party, she kissed me and then when we went to the toilet together to have a line, she practically raped me! Ended up having sex in the toilets the whole night, which was the Hot Gossip of the week at work.
So we ended up having sex again, which was pretty fun. One of my other ex-workmates kept trying to barge into the room and take pictures though - he's really lovely usually, so that was a bit shocking. K and I were in a bunk bed on the bottom, and another guy went to sleep on the top bunk, we were still having sex, and I strictly told him not to listen (yeah right), but he told me this morning that he could see us the whole time, and he said "you're pretty kinky aren't you?".
I only got home a little while ago. We all slept over a the house, got up early in the morning and had beers in the garden, sitting in the sunshine. It was nice
Writing all of this was a mission... I feel pretty incoherent and braindead... thank God I don't have to be social today, couldn't carry a conversation for the life of me. Gonna get stoned and watch Carnivale...
I went to a work mate's party yesterday. There's a new chef at work, gorgeous Brazilian guy that I've had my eyes on for long. I never hit on guys unless I'm pretty sure that I won't get no for an answer. I told one of my close friends at work that I liked him, and they had a conversation about me a few weeks ago. I can't remember exactly what he said, but the general impression she got was that he thought I was hot. He was at the party, and I caught him looking at me a few times. A few drinks later, I started hitting on him. He was reluctant, so I got more obvious. Practically stuck my tongue in his mouth, but in a (slightly) more classy way.
And he rejected me! I was like
To make it worse, it seemed he wanted two other girls at the party - one of whom I've had sex with in the past - let's call her K. I got so upset that I decided to completely cockblock him and started flirting with K. I ended up sleeping with her, but I'll get to that point later. In the end, he went home, which I was glad for.The thing is, I know everyone deals with rejection at some point. Men especially, I think of some men that I've rejected without a second thought, and they don't go all suicidal about it (as far as I know). It makes me feel like a spoiled brat to get all upset just because one guy said no to me, but I honestly am not used to this feeling!!! It's not like I've never been rejected romantically - i've dealt with it many times, especially lately, but I've never had a guy say no to my sexual advances. It really shocked me!
I know I sound ridiculously spoiled, but keep in mind that having had pretty low self-esteem most of my life, rejection *terrifies* me, and I will usually never hit on a guy unless there's a 95% chance he'll say yes.
Anyway, I'm sort of over it emotionally, i'm just amused about my reactions to it, in a purely intellectual way. (I'm also pretty impressed by myself that Im not beating myself up about it, shows me how far I've come with my self esteem)
So we ended up going to my Portugese friend's house in zone 4 in West London (it was her birthday party). Got pretty drunk, and K was pissed as well. She's a French girl I used to work with, crazy party girl that always gets drunk and slutty (just how I like my women, an extra bonus if they look really innocent as well). A couple of years ago when I was really coked up I asked her if she was bisexual, and told her to let me know if she ever wanted to try a woman out. She said no, but then in January we got really drunk together at a staff party, she kissed me and then when we went to the toilet together to have a line, she practically raped me! Ended up having sex in the toilets the whole night, which was the Hot Gossip of the week at work.
So we ended up having sex again, which was pretty fun. One of my other ex-workmates kept trying to barge into the room and take pictures though - he's really lovely usually, so that was a bit shocking. K and I were in a bunk bed on the bottom, and another guy went to sleep on the top bunk, we were still having sex, and I strictly told him not to listen (yeah right), but he told me this morning that he could see us the whole time, and he said "you're pretty kinky aren't you?".
I only got home a little while ago. We all slept over a the house, got up early in the morning and had beers in the garden, sitting in the sunshine. It was nice
Writing all of this was a mission... I feel pretty incoherent and braindead... thank God I don't have to be social today, couldn't carry a conversation for the life of me. Gonna get stoned and watch Carnivale...
