On a Drunken 21st Birthday Party

[psycosynthesis]

Drunken pools of vomit
lying in a spasmodic corner
Cake-stained faces in
intoxicated discordance.

A cavalcade of stupid, selfish
screaming syllables.
Celebrants of transition.

Perhaps the cold ocean
bordering this madness
could be a sobering force.

The birthday girl is lying prostrate
on the floor.
Clothes and hair covered in cake.
Sprawled against fisherman floorboards.

Young and old assembled in
a moronic milieu
Massed against music
repeated and
forgotten after several plays.

As heads sway in constant repetition
repetition
repetition.

 

[leiphos]

Confession time: I don't really like the vast majority of what is posted in this forum. It generally lacks literary quality, you know? But this I like . I'm a creative writing major and im doing a double-major most likely in fiction and poetry. so here's my comments:

1) SHOW, DON'T TELL!
Let me explain specifically. You mention "intoxicated discordance" "stupid selfish screaming syllables" "madness" "sobering force" and a few subtle others. These are problems mostly in the earlier part of the poem. These should all be cut and replaced by IMAGES that illustrate the feelings without TELLING us what the feelings specifically are. I hope you understand what I mean by that. I think that is the primary issue with the poem.

2) I LOVE the ending. Perfect. The repetition theme throughout is subtle and almost, in a certain unspoken way, implied by the nature of the subject matter.

Anyway, message me if you have any questions. The one thing I love more in my life than taking drugs is writing fiction and poetry critique. Message me with any questions you have; I will clarify all my points and perhaps make more if that is warranted. Just message me. Okay?

Good luck in this and all future endeavors!

--L.E.

 

[Olyn]

I like this.