Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,757
Ok so YEH I have been doing better lately. Holding down a job, just taking my suboxone everyday, but apparently this isn't enough for my family.
This has been a persistent problem my whole life. I've always lacked ambition to a fair degree. And the reason why is simple, I hate my fucking life. Even when I'm doing good for 2 or 3 months, or even the 5 years I was sober, I HATED my life. I hate myself. I hate my parents, my brothers, it is nothing but obligation after obligation and question after question about why I'm such a fuck up and why even now that I have a job I can't pay more money for bills, or wake up before work and now find a second job to help pay bills.
This is ALL my family is concerned about is bills bills bill. Its the precise reason I hate life, I hate work, I hate myself and where I am. I hate fucking money. I hate what it does to people. I hate how millions upon million of americans have to suffer at jobs they hate, to pay for shit they barely get any enjoyment from. I just feel like I'm faking it on suboxone and something is not right.
My mom made a HUGE mistake ok let me explain this and I made the mistake with her.
But back when I got out of detox from coming off opiates, instead of going to rehab, or going somewhere where I can slowly piece my life back together, her plan was this. I'm going to help your brother buy a house, then you 2 can live right by the water, pay rent etc etc and everything will be fine and dandy.
I move out of my moms house after detox, in with my brother who I can't stand. He has the ambition to work 10 hours - 6 days a week. But that is ALL he does. He spends every single minute of every other week sleeping, or watching tv, or spending his money till he's broke. He's not going anywhere in life, and I sure as hell aint either.
The only difference is I have a college education, thats it. And because of this EVEN with a fucking job now working 6 days a week, I can't make enough money to appease anyone.
THIS IS NOT WHAT LIFE SHOULD FUCKING BE ABOUT.
Wealth is a disease like I've never seen before in my life. ALL that people fucking care about is having wealth, having money, and when most of them get it they just wind up wanting more.
I'm addicted to drugs and have no motivation.
But every other fucking person I know is addicted to money, and the only thing they really seem to have motivation for is making more money.
Is this what life is really about?
Would I think differently/be more happy if I had money? Or am I really just sick of the society I live in? I'd much rather life on an isolated island by myself, with just enough food and resources to sustain myself.
I'm losing my mind. Working at a supermarket between the ages of 16-19 drove me to using speed. Because everyone who works there is either angry, depressed, hates their life, complaining about money or this or that (unless they're minors sometimes). Now fast forward 10 years. All I have fucking done is get addicted to drugs again, go to detox, get clean, then get addicted again while now being on sub and finally holding a job down.
Sub helps me work and hold a job down like I said. But it doesn't give me motivation to really do anything more than that. Like find a BETTER job. Or stop smoking to save money. Or stop drinking coffee to save money. Or really get myself back to good health and get off these blood pressure meds.
I simply can not be asked one more time to do more, or do better, or give x person more money for x bill. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE.
I don't want to go to rehab, or maybe I do I don't know maybe anything would be better than this. But I literally want to get on a plane, and fly to a buddhist colony for a year or 2, stop the fucking drugs and smoking and making music into the wee hours of the morning just so I can wake up late and go to work and do really nothing else productive with my day.
This is just NOT my plan. I can live w/out luxuries as I've done it before, and believe it or not as bad as prison sucked at least I didn't have to listen to people persistently bitch about bills and how their lives suck cause I can't meet them half way in bills (I pay $600 a month my brother pays $800 and this has created problems for years). This is the last fucking time I am listening to my mother tell me I need to give him more money when I DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT.
The only possible way I can afford more is to stop my suboxone and cigarettes, but those are the 2 exact things that help me relieve stress in life. W/out cigs and sub I am more than likely to kill myself.
My question is this. Are buddhist colonies free? Where are they located or has anyone been to one before? I made a thread like this before but now I'm serious. I can't go live in a rehab as I did it before and yes it relieved tons of stress, but I never wanted to leave and I won't want to leave again. Rehab babies you in a supportive environment than tosses you into the cold real world, I don't see that has a recipe for success.
The buddhist idea is maybe in the hopes of discovering some meaning in life and a reason to live. Because if I don't find a real legitimate reason to like my life, and my crummy job, I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I've felt so stable lately but to some degree it all feels fake. Opiates have absolutely undeniably fucked up my ambition for a long time and I don't feel like I will ever rid my problems by being on them.
All I want to do is save for a plane ticket then GTFO of this country/state asap. I need to be in the mountains millions of miles away, where there are people who know how to survive life w/out any type of crutches or luxuries. People who know how to appreciate life not for their tv, or suboxone or car or cigs or coffee, but just for life as simple as it may be. Life w/out any of this superficial parasitic bullshit that humans have plagued the world with. Because apparently my crutches are precisely what keeps causing these issues to keep coming back.
I don't know what to do. I just got a job and I already want to quit it. I felt great for the first couple months but now I'm realizing where I am. The people are all fucking uneducated/angry 24 hours a day. I kid you not. Every single person I meet at work must hate their lives so much that in someway or another they always need to act like pretentios fucks just to feel better about themselves. I've never been like that and have never tolerated those types of people well. And of course even last time I worked at a supermarket it was the same fucking thing till I wound up in prison. Am I destined for failure? I have a college education but can't be successful because I have no motivation. And I have no motivation because sub makes me content with not really having a lot in life. Then at the same time I question if I get off the sub, why the fuck do I need a lot in life in the first place? Its always family, to appease them.
I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Maybe I can just get on a train and hop from place to place? Eat out of trashcans untill I learn how to appreciate life on lifes terms? I feel soo fucking stuck in this shitty life and its going to turn me into a very miserable angry person. You mods see it from me all the time. I'm always angry even when I'm trying to fake it like I'm not. I just really want to die I think. I don't know what else to do to get out of this situation. Its ongoing and never goes away... so if I go away it will have no choice but to stop.
This has been a persistent problem my whole life. I've always lacked ambition to a fair degree. And the reason why is simple, I hate my fucking life. Even when I'm doing good for 2 or 3 months, or even the 5 years I was sober, I HATED my life. I hate myself. I hate my parents, my brothers, it is nothing but obligation after obligation and question after question about why I'm such a fuck up and why even now that I have a job I can't pay more money for bills, or wake up before work and now find a second job to help pay bills.
This is ALL my family is concerned about is bills bills bill. Its the precise reason I hate life, I hate work, I hate myself and where I am. I hate fucking money. I hate what it does to people. I hate how millions upon million of americans have to suffer at jobs they hate, to pay for shit they barely get any enjoyment from. I just feel like I'm faking it on suboxone and something is not right.
My mom made a HUGE mistake ok let me explain this and I made the mistake with her.
But back when I got out of detox from coming off opiates, instead of going to rehab, or going somewhere where I can slowly piece my life back together, her plan was this. I'm going to help your brother buy a house, then you 2 can live right by the water, pay rent etc etc and everything will be fine and dandy.
I move out of my moms house after detox, in with my brother who I can't stand. He has the ambition to work 10 hours - 6 days a week. But that is ALL he does. He spends every single minute of every other week sleeping, or watching tv, or spending his money till he's broke. He's not going anywhere in life, and I sure as hell aint either.
The only difference is I have a college education, thats it. And because of this EVEN with a fucking job now working 6 days a week, I can't make enough money to appease anyone.
THIS IS NOT WHAT LIFE SHOULD FUCKING BE ABOUT.
Wealth is a disease like I've never seen before in my life. ALL that people fucking care about is having wealth, having money, and when most of them get it they just wind up wanting more.
I'm addicted to drugs and have no motivation.
But every other fucking person I know is addicted to money, and the only thing they really seem to have motivation for is making more money.
Is this what life is really about?
Would I think differently/be more happy if I had money? Or am I really just sick of the society I live in? I'd much rather life on an isolated island by myself, with just enough food and resources to sustain myself.
I'm losing my mind. Working at a supermarket between the ages of 16-19 drove me to using speed. Because everyone who works there is either angry, depressed, hates their life, complaining about money or this or that (unless they're minors sometimes). Now fast forward 10 years. All I have fucking done is get addicted to drugs again, go to detox, get clean, then get addicted again while now being on sub and finally holding a job down.
Sub helps me work and hold a job down like I said. But it doesn't give me motivation to really do anything more than that. Like find a BETTER job. Or stop smoking to save money. Or stop drinking coffee to save money. Or really get myself back to good health and get off these blood pressure meds.
I simply can not be asked one more time to do more, or do better, or give x person more money for x bill. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE.
I don't want to go to rehab, or maybe I do I don't know maybe anything would be better than this. But I literally want to get on a plane, and fly to a buddhist colony for a year or 2, stop the fucking drugs and smoking and making music into the wee hours of the morning just so I can wake up late and go to work and do really nothing else productive with my day.
This is just NOT my plan. I can live w/out luxuries as I've done it before, and believe it or not as bad as prison sucked at least I didn't have to listen to people persistently bitch about bills and how their lives suck cause I can't meet them half way in bills (I pay $600 a month my brother pays $800 and this has created problems for years). This is the last fucking time I am listening to my mother tell me I need to give him more money when I DON'T FUCKING HAVE IT.
The only possible way I can afford more is to stop my suboxone and cigarettes, but those are the 2 exact things that help me relieve stress in life. W/out cigs and sub I am more than likely to kill myself.
My question is this. Are buddhist colonies free? Where are they located or has anyone been to one before? I made a thread like this before but now I'm serious. I can't go live in a rehab as I did it before and yes it relieved tons of stress, but I never wanted to leave and I won't want to leave again. Rehab babies you in a supportive environment than tosses you into the cold real world, I don't see that has a recipe for success.
The buddhist idea is maybe in the hopes of discovering some meaning in life and a reason to live. Because if I don't find a real legitimate reason to like my life, and my crummy job, I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I've felt so stable lately but to some degree it all feels fake. Opiates have absolutely undeniably fucked up my ambition for a long time and I don't feel like I will ever rid my problems by being on them.
All I want to do is save for a plane ticket then GTFO of this country/state asap. I need to be in the mountains millions of miles away, where there are people who know how to survive life w/out any type of crutches or luxuries. People who know how to appreciate life not for their tv, or suboxone or car or cigs or coffee, but just for life as simple as it may be. Life w/out any of this superficial parasitic bullshit that humans have plagued the world with. Because apparently my crutches are precisely what keeps causing these issues to keep coming back.
I don't know what to do. I just got a job and I already want to quit it. I felt great for the first couple months but now I'm realizing where I am. The people are all fucking uneducated/angry 24 hours a day. I kid you not. Every single person I meet at work must hate their lives so much that in someway or another they always need to act like pretentios fucks just to feel better about themselves. I've never been like that and have never tolerated those types of people well. And of course even last time I worked at a supermarket it was the same fucking thing till I wound up in prison. Am I destined for failure? I have a college education but can't be successful because I have no motivation. And I have no motivation because sub makes me content with not really having a lot in life. Then at the same time I question if I get off the sub, why the fuck do I need a lot in life in the first place? Its always family, to appease them.
I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Maybe I can just get on a train and hop from place to place? Eat out of trashcans untill I learn how to appreciate life on lifes terms? I feel soo fucking stuck in this shitty life and its going to turn me into a very miserable angry person. You mods see it from me all the time. I'm always angry even when I'm trying to fake it like I'm not. I just really want to die I think. I don't know what else to do to get out of this situation. Its ongoing and never goes away... so if I go away it will have no choice but to stop.
... dude, the dream of a Buddhist colony is merely a fantasy and I think you know this. Its that illusive fantasy of that 'thing' that is going to make everything alright. I have many of these fantasies myself and they always fuck me up because I know that I won't follow through in pursuing my nonexistent utopia but I keep it in my head as the final out from all my troubles. The thing is, when those troubles become overwhelming and I reach for that 'final out' only to realize what I already knew... that it isn't fucking real.
