9/11/04 (Age 20) - IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
Right, two days off the P again and I'm feeling...a little fragile. I smoked a lot of weed after that last entry but I still had a little paranoid breakdown episode and spent most of Tuesday night (well early Wednesday morning) shivering in a sweaty ball in the corner of my room, trying to recognise my surroundings and get my wigging brain grounded. I didn't sleep till the sun came up and even then I didn't majorly crash the way I used to. Like when Mum came in to check I was asleep (so she could confiscate my needles, syringes and drugs really...) she woke me. Then later, Liam playing his guitar in the dining room (fuck knows why he plays in there...) also woke me - and by then I'd gone literally all weekend without eating so I couldn't get back to sleep due to pure hunger. Not just that, I literally had 'pure hunger' - I was hungry for P - and when you're jonesing for meth and you don't have any comfort food to deal with it the heaviest crash in the world wouldn't put you to sleep. So that's how Liam and I ended up in the food court at St Lukes after I'd had maybe three hours sleep. I was too paranoid to go by myself so I had to bribe Liam into coming with me by saying I'd pay.
I wish I didn't have to bribe Liam into going out places with me - and just occasionally I wish he'd offer to pay or at least pay for himself!
For fuck's sake, I'm a beneficiary and I owe Graeme so much money - plus I've got a horse to pay for and I use marijuana semi-medicinally. Not to mention the methamphetamine and the heroin - even though I am trying to cut down on my P use, I need heroin. It leaves me, however, too poor to be paying for Liam's food. However, otherwise Liam wouldn't eat with me. Not in public.
It seems that despite the way I mothered Liam when we were growing up and tried to keep a close relationship with him, he really seems to want me out of his life. It's a shame when I look at how close some siblings are - Laura and her sisters (since her sisters left home), Adrienne and Daniel, Harley and Arrian, Alannah and Andrew...even May and Robert! That's how I would have liked it to be for us.
It's not that he's mean (a little ratty and exasperated by me, perhaps), he just stays away from me apart from to say hi quickly on the way to his room or out the door.
Basically I think he just really looks down on me and expects me to fuck up and embarrass him.
Here he is, this well-spoken, mature, together, 'go get 'em' young man who's doing all the desirable things with his life and mixing with all the 'right people'. Mr Normal with the well-ironed shirts, the office job and the preppy North Shore girlfriend. Compare that to me - dysfunctional, drug-fucked, immature, impulsive, unmotivated loser who can't sort out her life and mixed (up till now since Laura and I met up again) with only junkies and tweakers. To him, yes I would be embarrassing!
When he came to see me the first time in detox and I had to admit to him I was prostituting myself for heroin he burst into tears - I'd never seen him cry like that before, and maybe he really did care, and valued our relationship back then but I guess after I came out promising everyone that I'd cleaned up and two weeks later went back to shooting up, why should he believe that things have changed? Since I walked out of rehab early he's been the fucking Ice Man. Ice as in frozen...
I guess yesterday I really looked like a methamphetamine user, to add to his embarrassment. Of course if he'd let me sleep a bit longer I mightn't have looked so fucking seedy but I guess if I'd said that to him he'd just say (or think, he never says it...) that that was my fault for going on a ridiculous 5-day P binge and crashing so early on a weekday morning. With so much P and so little sleep there were huge circles under my bloodshot eyes, my skin was grey and peeling and my face was scabby from picking - not to mention, even with a long shower and plenty of deodorant I would have smelt like a P lab, and with that taste I had in my mouth I hate to think what my breath would have smelt like. Methhead breath can strip paint. So not a good look for Mr Normal!
I regret what drugs have done to my relationship with my family/whanau...but none of them cared much for me before I started using either. So...what's to regret?
Maybe just what I never had, and never will have.
Time to boot up, I'm sick of this low mood, and I'm going into withdrawal now...well I'm getting runny-nosed, yawning and that dreaded ache has started in my bones. Hopefully I have some pre-loaded rigs because my hands are shaking like crazy.
Heroin is the one thing that fills the empty hole, now that Taylor's gone. It wraps me in it's arms the same way he used to, and makes me feel just as good. Trouble is, I hate having to fix so often to ever get that feeling - and when I do, I overdose!
Even heroin is no longer a friend these days - it's just me. Me and the bleak hole of a future I have ahead of me.
NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THESE NAMES CUD B ALIASES
- Liam is my younger brother; strangely enough, he's not so straight-laced now, himself, but will always be the family favourite
- St Lukes is the old name for the mall near where we lived at the time
- Graeme is a gang member/ex fuck buddy (now inside for cooking P), who I used to cook/distribute/deal P wiv, as well as break into pharmacies wiv, to get the pseudo
- Laura is my one straight-laced friend (though she went through a P-using stage), who has stuck by me through thick and thin
- Adrienne was my best friend at school; we got into drugs together; she's now completely clean, working on a sheep station out on the East Coast, way in the wops, only going into the nearest city [Gisborne] to attend NA meetings
- Daniel is Adrienne's older brother, who nearly made the Olympics with his 3-day eventing skills
- Harley is my ex...yes another one; he and I shared a bond cos we loved horses and cars, but after fucking himself up wiv acid and P he developed paranoid schizophrenia...scarily, he still uses these drugs
- Arrian is Harley's older brother, who is now Harley's full-time caretaker
- Alannah is an old drug buddy of mine who moved to Australia to get away from the scene, as she has a young daughter
- Andrew is Alannah's older brother, and my old dealer...one of many (now inside for attempting to import massive amounts of Ecstasy from Australia)
- May is my so-called 'best friend', and Laura's cousin, though her rampant P addiction stops her from being the friend she used to b
- Robert is May's younger brother, another horse enthusiast, who I taught to ride
- Taylor was my first lover; a relationship that lasted 2yrs, as we had bn friends since we were kids, and he lived and breathed horses; sadly he died in my arms of a heroin OD earlier in 2004 (and yes we were still together at the time...and no, I've never gotten over it)
Right, two days off the P again and I'm feeling...a little fragile. I smoked a lot of weed after that last entry but I still had a little paranoid breakdown episode and spent most of Tuesday night (well early Wednesday morning) shivering in a sweaty ball in the corner of my room, trying to recognise my surroundings and get my wigging brain grounded. I didn't sleep till the sun came up and even then I didn't majorly crash the way I used to. Like when Mum came in to check I was asleep (so she could confiscate my needles, syringes and drugs really...) she woke me. Then later, Liam playing his guitar in the dining room (fuck knows why he plays in there...) also woke me - and by then I'd gone literally all weekend without eating so I couldn't get back to sleep due to pure hunger. Not just that, I literally had 'pure hunger' - I was hungry for P - and when you're jonesing for meth and you don't have any comfort food to deal with it the heaviest crash in the world wouldn't put you to sleep. So that's how Liam and I ended up in the food court at St Lukes after I'd had maybe three hours sleep. I was too paranoid to go by myself so I had to bribe Liam into coming with me by saying I'd pay.
I wish I didn't have to bribe Liam into going out places with me - and just occasionally I wish he'd offer to pay or at least pay for himself!
For fuck's sake, I'm a beneficiary and I owe Graeme so much money - plus I've got a horse to pay for and I use marijuana semi-medicinally. Not to mention the methamphetamine and the heroin - even though I am trying to cut down on my P use, I need heroin. It leaves me, however, too poor to be paying for Liam's food. However, otherwise Liam wouldn't eat with me. Not in public.
It seems that despite the way I mothered Liam when we were growing up and tried to keep a close relationship with him, he really seems to want me out of his life. It's a shame when I look at how close some siblings are - Laura and her sisters (since her sisters left home), Adrienne and Daniel, Harley and Arrian, Alannah and Andrew...even May and Robert! That's how I would have liked it to be for us.
It's not that he's mean (a little ratty and exasperated by me, perhaps), he just stays away from me apart from to say hi quickly on the way to his room or out the door.
Basically I think he just really looks down on me and expects me to fuck up and embarrass him.
Here he is, this well-spoken, mature, together, 'go get 'em' young man who's doing all the desirable things with his life and mixing with all the 'right people'. Mr Normal with the well-ironed shirts, the office job and the preppy North Shore girlfriend. Compare that to me - dysfunctional, drug-fucked, immature, impulsive, unmotivated loser who can't sort out her life and mixed (up till now since Laura and I met up again) with only junkies and tweakers. To him, yes I would be embarrassing!
When he came to see me the first time in detox and I had to admit to him I was prostituting myself for heroin he burst into tears - I'd never seen him cry like that before, and maybe he really did care, and valued our relationship back then but I guess after I came out promising everyone that I'd cleaned up and two weeks later went back to shooting up, why should he believe that things have changed? Since I walked out of rehab early he's been the fucking Ice Man. Ice as in frozen...
I guess yesterday I really looked like a methamphetamine user, to add to his embarrassment. Of course if he'd let me sleep a bit longer I mightn't have looked so fucking seedy but I guess if I'd said that to him he'd just say (or think, he never says it...) that that was my fault for going on a ridiculous 5-day P binge and crashing so early on a weekday morning. With so much P and so little sleep there were huge circles under my bloodshot eyes, my skin was grey and peeling and my face was scabby from picking - not to mention, even with a long shower and plenty of deodorant I would have smelt like a P lab, and with that taste I had in my mouth I hate to think what my breath would have smelt like. Methhead breath can strip paint. So not a good look for Mr Normal!
I regret what drugs have done to my relationship with my family/whanau...but none of them cared much for me before I started using either. So...what's to regret?
Maybe just what I never had, and never will have.
Time to boot up, I'm sick of this low mood, and I'm going into withdrawal now...well I'm getting runny-nosed, yawning and that dreaded ache has started in my bones. Hopefully I have some pre-loaded rigs because my hands are shaking like crazy.
Heroin is the one thing that fills the empty hole, now that Taylor's gone. It wraps me in it's arms the same way he used to, and makes me feel just as good. Trouble is, I hate having to fix so often to ever get that feeling - and when I do, I overdose!
Even heroin is no longer a friend these days - it's just me. Me and the bleak hole of a future I have ahead of me.
NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THESE NAMES CUD B ALIASES
- Liam is my younger brother; strangely enough, he's not so straight-laced now, himself, but will always be the family favourite
- St Lukes is the old name for the mall near where we lived at the time
- Graeme is a gang member/ex fuck buddy (now inside for cooking P), who I used to cook/distribute/deal P wiv, as well as break into pharmacies wiv, to get the pseudo
- Laura is my one straight-laced friend (though she went through a P-using stage), who has stuck by me through thick and thin
- Adrienne was my best friend at school; we got into drugs together; she's now completely clean, working on a sheep station out on the East Coast, way in the wops, only going into the nearest city [Gisborne] to attend NA meetings
- Daniel is Adrienne's older brother, who nearly made the Olympics with his 3-day eventing skills
- Harley is my ex...yes another one; he and I shared a bond cos we loved horses and cars, but after fucking himself up wiv acid and P he developed paranoid schizophrenia...scarily, he still uses these drugs
- Arrian is Harley's older brother, who is now Harley's full-time caretaker
- Alannah is an old drug buddy of mine who moved to Australia to get away from the scene, as she has a young daughter
- Andrew is Alannah's older brother, and my old dealer...one of many (now inside for attempting to import massive amounts of Ecstasy from Australia)
- May is my so-called 'best friend', and Laura's cousin, though her rampant P addiction stops her from being the friend she used to b
- Robert is May's younger brother, another horse enthusiast, who I taught to ride
- Taylor was my first lover; a relationship that lasted 2yrs, as we had bn friends since we were kids, and he lived and breathed horses; sadly he died in my arms of a heroin OD earlier in 2004 (and yes we were still together at the time...and no, I've never gotten over it)