30/11/05 (Age 21) NO USE DENYING IT, BUT DO I REALLY WANT ANY OTHER LIFE?
Life sucks, the world sucks. I suck. I couldn't get off to sleep last night and I ached all over, then I got to thinking about how it was going to be impossible going to rally tonight with quite obvious drug withdrawals. In the end I somehow managed to twist my mind into reasoning that maybe just a bit of meth - and enough heroin to keep me straight as well - just enough to stop the withdrawals without making me bounce off the walls, I could relax and ride, but now I realise it's ridiculous to think with my tolerance that that was a wise idea. After shooting one of those pre-loaded 5ml syringes of smack I always load when I'm well, I shot a gram and a half of that P I cooked up last week, then went on the internet, sure to sneak off to bed when Mum arose.
Then I drove down to Tilly's place and helped her school Boris and Bailey. Tilly is the most successful person I know as far as getting off the P. She was amazed I'd gone so long, saying you can't do it without rehab - or a wopping dose of opiates. Well, admittedly I'm going all-out on the opiates - but it's just enough to keep me well. I don't think Tilly knows I'm a junkie.
Rehab doesn't like medicinal pot-smokers - and I don't like rehab. Well I hated Odyssey and the Bridge.
All very well for Tilly to talk about rehab - she went to Capri. Capri sounds almost fun; a holiday full of massages and spas and wonderful detoxing chemicals, all with the famous people. I guess there's the usual psycho-babble among the other poor buggers who happen to like their drugs and booze a bit too much. Then, behind the counsellors' backs, sharing drool stories about the crack we've encountered, exchanging 'decent gear' numbers. Hey, I met Michele in Odyssey - she's a good back-up for smack. If you call that shit smack.
Capri must be much more fun than sitting alone, trying not to make a run for my dealer (oh Baggsy I love you), and turning to cooking it with the Whitetails when I'm desperate.
All my Sandringham friends are so nearby, burning it up without me. Don't they understand? They can't smoke meth without me, I'm their tweaker wench, and I have to be there to get a good tweak - I smoked that shit before they knew what it was, half of them.
So, okay, nearly a day off it again now. Still using smack. I'm not tweaking out though; I stayed with that gram and a half (I donated the rest of my P to Joseph, who kissed my feet practically), came down later, had a major fight with Mum, who knew I'd been on the P and was telling me how much I couldn't give it up and had no hope for my future (oh so helpful), so my comedown was enhanced, as far as the loss of confidence goes. I didn't ride tonight at rally.
I am so confident after imbibing meth that I suppose I don't realise how much I'm not really a very confident person, naturally until I come down, and that depresses me.
Meth depresses me - someone, who wrote into Switched on Gardener singing praises for StoP (worked sort of for me once but once I got through popping them like candy I just slammed more P), was saying that being hooked on P is like living in a dark hole, being sucked deeper and deeper into the hole with every point. That someone summed it up well. I hate P - I still doubt last night was my last hit ever.
Got to not think about it. This hate of it is better. I don't want to be your slave, P, fuck off will you? I wish the nearby places I know of would close down, especially Joe's dad and Baggsy. I wish I didn't know how to cook it. I wish the friends I have who are tweakers would all give up with me. Alisha and Ben are going great guns - they've been at least 12 days; no amphetamines in the blood. Amazing. Opiates too - I couldn't stop shooting smack if I wanted too, and I don't want to as it keeps me mentally well and I think I'm best to tackle one drug at a time.
I know I shoot too much smack though - mainly because I get all spun out from the P comedowns and it makes me calmer - and ohhh the euphoria! I think if I try to shoot less smack while I'm going through the P detox I'll go psychotic (hey it is a symptom of withdrawal) but once I'm officially P-free and not craving it like water then maybe I'll go through the dreaded heroin withdrawal I know I have to face sooner or later - not like I don't have weed and Immodium - and benzos aren't hard to come by.
Maybe oneday I'll even be considered not a drug addict but a recreational occasional drug user and a medicinal marijuana 'patient' (bloody government).
Gets a bit more respect than being a drug addict - people give me dirty looks when they know I take P. It's sort of obvious from the way I look, that I take P. I hate that and I can't wait to look like I'm not taking P. Will that happen? I hope so. Or do I?
NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THE NAMES OF PEOPLE/GANGS NAMED MAY BE ALIASES
- Tilly was my friend, who'd attended Te Atatu Pony Club with me, then moved away, round about the time I was asked to leave that Pony Club (at 21 I was attending Massey Pony Club)
- Boris was Tilly's stroppy young pintaloosa horse (pintaloosa is a cross between a pinto - a patchy horse - and an appaloosa - a spotty horse) who was known for his bucking fits, but was an amazing jumper, gd dressage horse and looked flashy in the show ring due to his colour so I encouraged Tilly to keep working with him
- Bailey was Tilly's brother's young pinto who had a rearing problem; I was being paid by Tilly's rich mum to reschool him, and he turned out to be a topping jumper who didnt dare rear wiv me...problem was Tilly's bro was too nervous for a young pony like him, and he sensed it
- Odyssey House is a rehab that works via heavy disciplinary methods
- The Bridge is a rehab run by the Salvation Army, working partly on 12-step methods, partly on church philosophies
- Capri Clinic is a private rehab here where all the rich and famous go (plus various friends of mine)
- 'crack' is another NZ term for pure methamphetamine (we don't have crack cocaine) named cos of the crackling sound it makes when melted down in the pipe
- Michele was one of my ex black tar heroin dealers
- Baggsy was one of my old dealers of various drugs including opiates and P
- the Whitetails are a local ethnic gang, specialising in manufacturing P, selling hot gear and pimping; many of my friends were in this gang as it's a local one, and I cooked for them, distributed/dealed for them, helped break into pharmacies for them, and was one of their working girls
- Sandringham was the suburb I lived in at that stage; your average mostly-government-housing area, full of crime and drugs
- Joseph (Joe) was a Whitetail mate
- rally is part of being at a pony club; you turn up to rallies dressed in uniform, your horse groomed immaculately, and are given group instruction
- Switched on Gardener is a store that sells hydroponic equipment and doubles as a headshop
- StoP was a supplement that aided many people with P withdrawals; its been taken off the shelves as it's seen by the new drug minister fuckwit as 'endorsing P use'
- Alisha is my ex; we'd just broken up at this stage and were still mates, but she really wanted to be off P more than I did
- Ben was Alisha's bf at the time; secretly he hated my guts apparently
Life sucks, the world sucks. I suck. I couldn't get off to sleep last night and I ached all over, then I got to thinking about how it was going to be impossible going to rally tonight with quite obvious drug withdrawals. In the end I somehow managed to twist my mind into reasoning that maybe just a bit of meth - and enough heroin to keep me straight as well - just enough to stop the withdrawals without making me bounce off the walls, I could relax and ride, but now I realise it's ridiculous to think with my tolerance that that was a wise idea. After shooting one of those pre-loaded 5ml syringes of smack I always load when I'm well, I shot a gram and a half of that P I cooked up last week, then went on the internet, sure to sneak off to bed when Mum arose.
Then I drove down to Tilly's place and helped her school Boris and Bailey. Tilly is the most successful person I know as far as getting off the P. She was amazed I'd gone so long, saying you can't do it without rehab - or a wopping dose of opiates. Well, admittedly I'm going all-out on the opiates - but it's just enough to keep me well. I don't think Tilly knows I'm a junkie.
Rehab doesn't like medicinal pot-smokers - and I don't like rehab. Well I hated Odyssey and the Bridge.
All very well for Tilly to talk about rehab - she went to Capri. Capri sounds almost fun; a holiday full of massages and spas and wonderful detoxing chemicals, all with the famous people. I guess there's the usual psycho-babble among the other poor buggers who happen to like their drugs and booze a bit too much. Then, behind the counsellors' backs, sharing drool stories about the crack we've encountered, exchanging 'decent gear' numbers. Hey, I met Michele in Odyssey - she's a good back-up for smack. If you call that shit smack.
Capri must be much more fun than sitting alone, trying not to make a run for my dealer (oh Baggsy I love you), and turning to cooking it with the Whitetails when I'm desperate.
All my Sandringham friends are so nearby, burning it up without me. Don't they understand? They can't smoke meth without me, I'm their tweaker wench, and I have to be there to get a good tweak - I smoked that shit before they knew what it was, half of them.
So, okay, nearly a day off it again now. Still using smack. I'm not tweaking out though; I stayed with that gram and a half (I donated the rest of my P to Joseph, who kissed my feet practically), came down later, had a major fight with Mum, who knew I'd been on the P and was telling me how much I couldn't give it up and had no hope for my future (oh so helpful), so my comedown was enhanced, as far as the loss of confidence goes. I didn't ride tonight at rally.
I am so confident after imbibing meth that I suppose I don't realise how much I'm not really a very confident person, naturally until I come down, and that depresses me.
Meth depresses me - someone, who wrote into Switched on Gardener singing praises for StoP (worked sort of for me once but once I got through popping them like candy I just slammed more P), was saying that being hooked on P is like living in a dark hole, being sucked deeper and deeper into the hole with every point. That someone summed it up well. I hate P - I still doubt last night was my last hit ever.
Got to not think about it. This hate of it is better. I don't want to be your slave, P, fuck off will you? I wish the nearby places I know of would close down, especially Joe's dad and Baggsy. I wish I didn't know how to cook it. I wish the friends I have who are tweakers would all give up with me. Alisha and Ben are going great guns - they've been at least 12 days; no amphetamines in the blood. Amazing. Opiates too - I couldn't stop shooting smack if I wanted too, and I don't want to as it keeps me mentally well and I think I'm best to tackle one drug at a time.
I know I shoot too much smack though - mainly because I get all spun out from the P comedowns and it makes me calmer - and ohhh the euphoria! I think if I try to shoot less smack while I'm going through the P detox I'll go psychotic (hey it is a symptom of withdrawal) but once I'm officially P-free and not craving it like water then maybe I'll go through the dreaded heroin withdrawal I know I have to face sooner or later - not like I don't have weed and Immodium - and benzos aren't hard to come by.
Maybe oneday I'll even be considered not a drug addict but a recreational occasional drug user and a medicinal marijuana 'patient' (bloody government).
Gets a bit more respect than being a drug addict - people give me dirty looks when they know I take P. It's sort of obvious from the way I look, that I take P. I hate that and I can't wait to look like I'm not taking P. Will that happen? I hope so. Or do I?
NB - FIRSTLY SOME OF THE NAMES OF PEOPLE/GANGS NAMED MAY BE ALIASES
- Tilly was my friend, who'd attended Te Atatu Pony Club with me, then moved away, round about the time I was asked to leave that Pony Club (at 21 I was attending Massey Pony Club)
- Boris was Tilly's stroppy young pintaloosa horse (pintaloosa is a cross between a pinto - a patchy horse - and an appaloosa - a spotty horse) who was known for his bucking fits, but was an amazing jumper, gd dressage horse and looked flashy in the show ring due to his colour so I encouraged Tilly to keep working with him
- Bailey was Tilly's brother's young pinto who had a rearing problem; I was being paid by Tilly's rich mum to reschool him, and he turned out to be a topping jumper who didnt dare rear wiv me...problem was Tilly's bro was too nervous for a young pony like him, and he sensed it
- Odyssey House is a rehab that works via heavy disciplinary methods
- The Bridge is a rehab run by the Salvation Army, working partly on 12-step methods, partly on church philosophies
- Capri Clinic is a private rehab here where all the rich and famous go (plus various friends of mine)
- 'crack' is another NZ term for pure methamphetamine (we don't have crack cocaine) named cos of the crackling sound it makes when melted down in the pipe
- Michele was one of my ex black tar heroin dealers
- Baggsy was one of my old dealers of various drugs including opiates and P
- the Whitetails are a local ethnic gang, specialising in manufacturing P, selling hot gear and pimping; many of my friends were in this gang as it's a local one, and I cooked for them, distributed/dealed for them, helped break into pharmacies for them, and was one of their working girls
- Sandringham was the suburb I lived in at that stage; your average mostly-government-housing area, full of crime and drugs
- Joseph (Joe) was a Whitetail mate
- rally is part of being at a pony club; you turn up to rallies dressed in uniform, your horse groomed immaculately, and are given group instruction
- Switched on Gardener is a store that sells hydroponic equipment and doubles as a headshop
- StoP was a supplement that aided many people with P withdrawals; its been taken off the shelves as it's seen by the new drug minister fuckwit as 'endorsing P use'
- Alisha is my ex; we'd just broken up at this stage and were still mates, but she really wanted to be off P more than I did
- Ben was Alisha's bf at the time; secretly he hated my guts apparently