Okay let's try this again...

[Junkiegirl23]

I have been on black tar heroin for over the last year, a few months I was using as much as a gram a day but the last few months I got my habit down to about a half gram everyday. Well I'm now 22 hours into my pretty much cold turkey kick. I have a subutex just in case I get to the point of where I can't handle it anymore.
Now the reason I'm posting this, before I went these 22 hours today I had one shot after going about 45 hours without anything. I knew I should of just kept going with it, shit I was almost at 2 full days without heroin, without anything and I had to go pick up again. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and be proud that I went that long and it honestly wasn't too unbearable. I haven't been that long since starting heroin over a year ago, I never even went more then 12 hours actually. So yeah now I'm doing this 100% for sure this time. I'm done with it. My question tho is... Since I went nearly 2 full days without anything then did that one dose and am now kicking again, did I just like start over? Am I going to go through the whole thing all over again? I'm pretty positive I will, just kinda wanted to double check and be able to get some support from the BL community while I go through this...
Thanks!
Exjunkiegirl23....

 

[Stargazer]

Hey girl! Good job on trying and making it. It is amazing you went this long not feeling too bad. This is just my opinion, but the reason you start over again in essence is because you got well...To me "starting over" would be when you're in 5-6 days. But truly starting over would be, to me, after a complete detox...and using long enough to get re-addicted. For the physical part. Again, this is just my personal opinion.

But...the psychological part. Yes. You're starting over. And that is really hard and sickening. I know- it sucks. But, its part of it. I detoxed cold turkey in jail...and by about 31-34hrs. it gets really, really bad for me. So you're doing great! Everyone is different. Good to have a sub on hand to get you through it, just in case.

Do you know about taking loperamide/immodium to help you through withdrawal? If not, there is a megathread here on BL. Look it up. It can save you, and keep you from using again. Also gabapentin/Neurontin help a lot- both are prescription meds. As immodium/loperamide is over the counter.

The most important part is that you're ready. That is the most important thing by far. All the best to you. You really can do this. Have support...you are going to need it to stay clean. Address the reasons you are getting high-there really are reasons other than you like being high. Please keep us updated.

 

[manboychef]

\
The most important part is that you're ready. That is the most important thing by far. All the best to you. You really can do this. Have support...you are going to need it to stay clean. Address the reasons you are getting high-there really are reasons other than you like being high. Please keep us updated.

The woman that gazes towards the stars is speaking a truth that is so profound in this statement.

I had so many false starts when I was trying to get clean. It took jail, detox, then rehab in order to build up enough clean time to start making good choices again. I also was able to see a psychotherapist/psychiatrist in rehab and get put on meds that make my mental health diagnosis' (which I was self medicating with benzos and heroin) a little more manageable. Also, talking through your problems instead of escaping them (using/numbing your feelings) is incredibly hard, but the reward outweighs the trouble.

I talk to stargazer quite a bit because we have similar ways of thinking. It is extremely helpful to me to know I am not alone. When I felt like using, I told her my story and she messaged me back with a little of hers and it saved me from grabbing some wine or heading to the dopehole.

Basically what I mean is develop a support network of people you can talk to. You don't need to do this alone, and its actually advised against doing it alone. Keep us posted here...I will sure as shit encourage the hell out of you.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

Stargazer yes I have heard of people using Imodium to taper off and honestly I don't know how I feel about that.. I'm just not even having like the poops and it scares me to think about taking Imodium and just get totally stopped up lol. I want to leave that for me when I do actually go through that so it'll really work for me. I feel like I need to feel the pain. It's the only time I have been able to stay clean for a longer period is going through all this hell. I don't have that big of a support system but I do have a few close friends and family I can talk to. I mean I guess I should say I don't have who I would want in my support system, my mom passed away about 2 1/2 months ago and she was always my biggest supporter and I think that's what kept me using I wanted to be numb to losing her and now it's starting to catch up to me even when using, it wasn't numbing me anymore to the pain of her death if anything it was just making me feel soo fucking guilty. And then other close family members are all pissed at me and aren't believing me that I'm serious about going through this, so that's been really hard. I'm going to be getting into some sort of counseling for my mom and join some NA groups to meet clean people in my area, thankfully I am in oregon and we have SO many different meetings. I think I'll be able to really find one that's right for me.
Thank you both so much
Exjunkiegirl23...

 

[manboychef]

First off junkiegirl you are making a great decision. I too was the type of addict that had to feel the searing pain and hopelessness of acute withdrawal to understand that I never wanted to be there again. One common trait in most opiate addicts is the desire to numb our feelings. I don't think any of us started using opiates and found what we were looking for in them (enough to continue a very self destructive behavior) because our lives were going amazingly. I for one was miserable and anxious all the time. I hated feeling that way, and I used to numb myself, and I worked all day everyday just to keep my mind off things. While you are going through acute withdrawal do not worry about those things. Eventually you will have to confront them and do some real healing, but for the time being just focus on getting over the first hump.

When it comes to your family being pissed at you, don't worry about it. You do not need their validation to do this. The only person that has an opinion that matters in this at this point is you. Eventually as you progress they will see you are working at this and come around, however, be ready for the possibility that they may never come around and trust you again. My grandma in new york still thinks i'm the worst person on the planet...and I am okay with that.

A great way to get over the first part of withdrawals is to check into a detox. They will give you supplements and monitor you to make sure you are okay. Not to mention the detox meds will help you get the nasty shit out of your system faster. Generally detoxes can link you to services for addicts as well (in case rehab, intensive outpatient, or sober living housing is something tht may help you)

First things first. Delete all your old numbers. Forget about those people. They will get you to use faster than you can blink an eye. Have a trusted sober friend come over to your house and throw away all your paraphenalia and things that trigger you...I cannot stress enough just how thorough this must be. Lastly, if there is a friend that is sober that can stay with you for at least the first four days then by all means have them stay with you...it will make things a lot easier in the long run...

Lastly, get ready to feel a lot of things you haven't felt in a long time.

good luck, keep us posted.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

One common trait in most opiate addicts is the desire to numb our feelings. I don't think any of us started using opiates and found what we were looking for in them (enough to continue a very self destructive behavior) because our lives were going amazingly. I for one was miserable and anxious all the time.

That is very VERY true. I started opiates at a very young age. My mom started giving me Vicodin morphine Oxys Xanax when I was 12 by 13 I would just ask her for pills and she'd give them to me at 14 I was introduced to the oxycodone 30s and got her on them just so she would go to the doctors and get a script for them well after that it went downhill before I knew it I had a 3 year addiction to the 30s. Taking at the end of that anywhere from 15-20 of them a day. I got clean for a month and by the time I was like a month into being 18 I was shooting heroin for 2 1/2 years and got clean again for about 2 years got sick of just drinking and thought I could go use h one time and never touch it again. Haha yeah right!! I didn't stop til the other day when I went like 45 hours or something close to that... Sorry for all of that I just meant when I was first taking those I didn't even know what they were and I had no idea it was going to keep following me. And that it was just going to be a lifelong struggle. I at least feel like I have learned my lesson that I can't touch h not even once. No matter how good I convince myself, I just can't.

I have looked into detoxs and have done them before and I always just have slept through the whole thing and didn't experience much of it. I need to try something different this time which is why I am trying at my place. I do have a friend that's going to be over here looking out for me and got rid of everything for me.

You know I'm kinda excited to start having feelings as, even if they are just super fucked for a while, I do know that things can easily get better as long as I want them to. I just want to like care for people close in my life like I did before. I've been a hermit for too long it's time for me to the GTFO of my shell.

Thanks for talking with me and letting me say some things to you. I need it bad. I find it so comforting to talk to people who have been through the same thing I have, for the most part.

Oh and thanks again on the advice about my family members. You are right, I'm not doing this for them or their approval. And if they don't want to be in my life then they don't have to be and I can't force them to be, I guess that's the hard part especially for me I can't just cry and get my way and that's pretty lame but probably what I need.

Exjunkiegirl23

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It's a good sign you can go that long without a shot. Be prepared for the withdrawals, and best of luck!

Let us know how your recovery progresses.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

I'm at 38 hours about now and my stomach hurts and I get the chills but honestly other then that I am totally fine... This is just so fraking weird. Last time I came of H like 2 years ago at this point I literally was having to use the toilet and puke in the bathtub at the same time. It was so bad. I just don't understand what is going on...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm at 38 hours about now and my stomach hurts and I get the chills but honestly other then that I am totally fine... This is just so fraking weird. Last time I came of H like 2 years ago at this point I literally was having to use the toilet and puke in the bathtub at the same time. It was so bad. I just don't understand what is going on...

Maybe you were using more before?

It could also be due to the fact that you gain a tolerance to the drug, and if you're not escalating your usage to match, then the withdrawal won't be as bad. De-facto tapering, I guess.

Either way, I'm glad you're not as sick as you have been in the past.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

No that's the weird thing. I was only doing like .2 a day like 2 years ago... I mean it was a lot better stuff.... But I'm thinking I was kinda right about me not getting all the WDs back since I went 45 hours did a shot and now I'm at 43 1/2 hours... So I am kinda interested in seeing how I am going to be from now to like 72 hours.
But thanks! I am so glad that's it's been like this.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

So I had to take 2mg of my sub at 48 hours. Honestly I wasn't feeling too bad physically I was at the point where I was either going to have to use or take the sub so I took the sub I'm so proud of myself. I can't believe I made it a full 48 hours without anything! Yay! *victory dance*

Thank you guys so much for talking with me.

 

[jessieholy]

Good luck to you...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

So I had to take 2mg of my sub at 48 hours. Honestly I wasn't feeling too bad physically I was at the point where I was either going to have to use or take the sub so I took the sub I'm so proud of myself. I can't believe I made it a full 48 hours without anything! Yay! *victory dance*

Thank you guys so much for talking with me.

no problem!

every day is a victory, let us know how it goes!!

 

[Junkiegirl23]

I will be for sure! This BL community has been so much help for me over these last few days of wanting to quit.
Ha when I was using I was using this site for all the drug talk I would scroll over the sober living and go "ha I'm never going to go there, why would I use BL for that?" And honestly it was the first thing I thought of when I was feeling like I needed to reach out. Reading success stories and seeing how supportive people were to other people even if they relapsed. It's just awesome. So glad I stumbled here when I was using.

I only had to take 2mg and I am feeling pretty much like new. I will get a wave of nausea every once in a while and I don't feel like I could go on a run or anything too physical.. But I feel great! I plan on not taking anymore sub.
Thanks again!

EXjunkiegirl23..

 

[Stargazer]

Hey...glad to hear this. Excelllent work Funny what you said about "Sober Living"...a year and a half ago I never read this part of the forum. For what?? Now, I love that it's the first place I come to.

Everyone has their own method of detoxing, and I respect that . You and manboy need to get your asses kicked by satan. At the end of the day, my feeling is whatever gets you to stop. I myself, do not like or need it to go that way. I have been through wd so so so many times. I have detoxed cold turkey, twice, in jail. For me, that made it worse. Much of my life was based on being shamed and punished...Its counterproductive for me.

I went to a great chronic pain rehab...and believe it or not, it was the first time Ive ever been to a rehab. I was court-ordered upon my release from jail...I went straight there. I made up my mind I was going to get every single thing I could out of it. I did acupuncture, Reike treatments (which were kind of crazy lol but I kept an open mind), bio-feedback which I love, worked out, sat in many group meetings, which I was 100% honest in. I was the only person in the chronic pain program that had been in jail. I excelled at that program and loved it. The respect I received from the other patients (now some of my closest friends), the staff....even from probation is good stuff. It really was the best thing I ever did for me. I only wish I would've done that a lot sooner. I shied away from rehabs. Now it seems crazy.

But...the reason it was good, is because I made it good. It could've gone either way. Finally by brute force, I had my underlying issues addressed. I have not only a chronic pain condition, that causes random blinding head pain....but I have suffered from anxiety/panic disorder my entire life. But thought that's just life...everyone feels this way, etc.

You are a superstar!! You're doing great! Keep going....I don't have an enormous support system. Like you, I have a few close friends-some that are addicts, some that have been my friends my entire life, and never used. To have them stand by me, means the world to me. I never got that from family. It's ok not to have an ocean of friends. You will meet them along the way. Good going EXjunkiegirl.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

Hey...glad to hear this. Excelllent work Funny what you said about "Sober Living"...a year and a half ago I never read this part of the forum. For what?? Now, I love that it's the first place I come to.

Everyone has their own method of detoxing, and I respect that . You and manboy need to get your asses kicked by satan. At the end of the day, my feeling is whatever gets you to stop. I myself, do not like or need it to go that way. I have been through wd so so so many times. I have detoxed cold turkey, twice, in jail. For me, that made it worse. Much of my life was based on being shamed and punished...Its counterproductive for me.

I went to a great chronic pain rehab...and believe it or not, it was the first time Ive ever been to a rehab. I was court-ordered upon my release from jail...I went straight there. I made up my mind I was going to get every single thing I could out of it. I did acupuncture, Reike treatments (which were kind of crazy lol but I kept an open mind), bio-feedback which I love, worked out, sat in many group meetings, which I was 100% honest in. I was the only person in the chronic pain program that had been in jail. I excelled at that program and loved it. The respect I received from the other patients (now some of my closest friends), the staff....even from probation is good stuff. It really was the best thing I ever did for me. I only wish I would've done that a lot sooner. I shied away from rehabs. Now it seems crazy.

But...the reason it was good, is because I made it good. It could've gone either way. Finally by brute force, I had my underlying issues addressed. I have not only a chronic pain condition, that causes random blinding head pain....but I have suffered from anxiety/panic disorder my entire life. But thought that's just life...everyone feels this way, etc.

You are a superstar!! You're doing great! Keep going....I don't have an enormous support system. Like you, I have a few close friends-some that are addicts, some that have been my friends my entire life, and never used. To have them stand by me, means the world to me. I never got that from family. It's ok not to have an ocean of friends. You will meet them along the way. Good going EXjunkiegirl.

Yeah sober living is definitely my first stop now and is going to continue to be. I just can't express it enough how much I am greatful for this forum. I know I haven't even talked to many people on here long but I don't know what it is but just getting this support on here is what has kept me okay. I honestly feel if I didn't post when I did I feel like I would of went out and relapsed. This forum has just been my saving grace to get my mind off it and in a positive way. I am just so excited about being clean thinking about it literally brings tears to my eyes. I feel like I am doing the right thing and i can say I am legit 100% in this time. I have gotten clean or attempted to quit a few times. I have gone into a few detox centers and would come out of it and use if not the next day it was in the next week. I don't know I almost feel like when I am in those situations I am wanting to be real and be honest but I'm sitting there rolling my eyes at the people trying to help. I'm just trying to say I have needed to come to this completly by myself and I honestly can say that I have. I am going to a NA meeting tonight and then they are actually having a HA meeting at the same place right after so I'm going to both. I know it's going to take a lot of energy. It's a 15 minute walk there and it's going to be like 30 degrees lol that sounds like an epic journey to me right now. I'm just ready to feel emotions and express myself and tell my story to people in person I guess.
If you don't mind me asking.. How are you dealing with chronic pain? I wouldn't say I have chronic pain but I have a lot of problems with my teeth and they hurt a lot and I'll take ibprofurin and it'll help a little but then all I'm thinking about is how am I going to do this without my crutch? But I'm just trying to stay positive and remember when I get clean I'll actually have the want to get my teeth fixed and my brain and pain receptors will be back to normal more and the ibprofurin is honestly enough.

EXjunkiegirl23...
^ uh that seriously made me smile so hard my cheeks hurt lol I don't really even know why I'm just happy right now

 

[Junkiegirl23]

Hi guys I'm at 62 1/2 hours with no heroin. I'm just so stoked right now. I was actually able to get out of bed and take a shower and wash my hair and shave it was so intense my skin is so sensitive right now but it was one of the best things I have felt. It's kinda cool like doing normal stuff in life it's like I'm doing them pretty much for the first time in a long time lol I have just been so numb to everything. So yeah I have my first meeting in like 2 hours and I'm still very excited! I started crying earlier today because I realized I have $60 in my wallet and don't have to spend it on stupid stuff. It's just been nothing but positive and good mental feelings for me for the most part I get random spells of anxiety but I can usually calm down in just a few minutes if not faster. I know it's not always going to be like that which is why I am still trying to build this support group up so I don't relapse. I'm just trying to get ready for anything my brain is going to throw at me.
Anywho, hope everyone else is having a good Monday!

EXjunkiegirl23...

 

[manboychef]

Had an okay monday! I am glad you are reaching out to build a support network...this is going to be one of the most crucial things after withdrawal. They won't keep you from relapsing, you keep you from relapsing. The support network just adds accountability (which requires rigorous honesty to yourself and others). Relapse starts way before you even pick up a drug. It is called relapse mentality. For me, it is I start isolating...I then stop taking care of myself, I start getting a hopeless feeling...this starts way before I decide to use. Using is just a symptom of the mentality.

I give you this quest "Know thyself!" Learn who you are sober, what drives you, what you want out of life...find things that you enjoy...and for gods sake keep posting especialy if you are feeling weak. Someone will come along and lend you some of their strength.

 

[Stargazer]

You are doing so good! I don't know your beliefs, but you are being give grace right now-I am smiling right now for you. High five for getting in the shower. When I am in wd I can't even stand the feeling of the air on my sking....taking care of yourself is a very good sign.

Lol, there will be people that make you 8)....in meetings etc. I had to go to "Chronic Pain Anonymous" meetings in rehab...they were open for outside people too. All of us in the chronic pain program didn't like going to them. It was usually the same person dominating the meeting crying the entire time about her favorite peanut butter being discontinued lol. But, I learned something, by "grace" myself. When I feel like screaming "for fucks sake are you serious right now?!" - I take a step back, and look at the very person I want to slap, as a wounded human being. I think "they have been through a lot I don't even know about, just as I have" And I see them through the eye of my heart. Also showing up is 80% of success.

How I deal w pain now is Lyrica ( Pregablin) and Neurontin (Gabapentin)....And going to gym is good for stretching and strengthening my body. With your teeth, you have to be honest with the dentist, or say you are allergic to opiates. I think they will address the issues immediately because you are suffering.

Keep smiling EXjunkiegirl.....You are on your way to great things.

 

[Junkiegirl23]

Thanks for your support! I'm on day 5 now and I feel like I am done with like the physical hell of detox but I'm mentally really low today. I haven't even thought of using til today, but I'm trying to keep my mind off of it. My whole body is just soo low energy today it takes everything in me to walk around. Last night was the first night in a very long time that I actually got 7-8 hours of sleep. I also have my first day back to work tonight and I'm getting really anxious about it. I haven't been to work without drugs in pretty much my whole life. Am I even going to be able to do it without? Like I know I can, it's just my brain fucking with me. But it sure does make me nervous at least I don't get off til 2am so even if I was tempted I can't even get anything. I'm going to express these feelings today at my NA meeting maybe someone will have some words of wisdom for me. Or maybe someone on here will? I trust myself that I won't go out and use today but man this money i have in my wallet sure is burning a hole! And then like just typing that sentence out makes me think "come on Jamie don't be dumb. You just cried yesterday AND the day before because you were so happy you didn't have to spend the money you have on dope" and duh it makes a click. Idk I'm kinda rambling.
Again I can't think y'all for all the help.
EXjunkiegirl23