just say know
Bluelighter
The following poem is based off some of my emotions regarding numbing myself. i've never gone deep into a struggling addiction so i don't have much experience with addiction because i stopped early (Kratom and nicotine). With Kratom there was a period where i "wanted" to become addicted as a way to self harm and the poem is derived mainly from that experience.
"A beautiful thing my, my do you feel it? Do you think you need it?
A beautiful ugly thing, do you see it? Do you think you mean it? When you say you want to see it?
Wonderous ohh beautiful oh how lovely does it seem?!
Slowly it turns into a distant dream every day it seems...
A wonderous thing... can be...
A gaping wound... believe no warnings because it's too wonderful a thing to me!
Do you see? this lovely lovely lovely wonderous thing that has control over me?! it's lovely! it's lovely! It's so damn fucking lovely to be addictively addicted to "me"!
Did you know that i hate having a mind which is why i don't mind numbing mine?
Did you know the struggle the terrible struggle between me and "me" who isn't even me?
Did you realize that this is the way i think it has to be... the dark cave i have to creep through... just to be away from "me" who isn't even me?
Did you do anything to stop my feelings? Did it work? Did caving in help me give in? Did it hurt? to feel so numb... To think that you're so fucked you're already done...
Did you love? the way it is... how simple it is... how quiet it is... how loud it is.... how down it is... Did you love it or is this illusion? Are you in delusion...?
But no, no, no, it's so damn wonderful! fuck it and go under! fuck it and go under! the water's not too deep you probably won't even sink... you think...?
And yes, yes, yes i need this not, i should stop, i can't flip flop i'm not cut out for a life like that, i need to take a moment to feel less trapped, help me...
oh well, it's so lovely a wondrous thing... thankfully i'm not wondering anymore if i need a wondrous thing to feel wonderfully.
It's not a wondrous thing when the only wondering is whether or not you're hurting yourself and the wonders you bring"
"A beautiful thing my, my do you feel it? Do you think you need it?
A beautiful ugly thing, do you see it? Do you think you mean it? When you say you want to see it?
Wonderous ohh beautiful oh how lovely does it seem?!
Slowly it turns into a distant dream every day it seems...
A wonderous thing... can be...
A gaping wound... believe no warnings because it's too wonderful a thing to me!
Do you see? this lovely lovely lovely wonderous thing that has control over me?! it's lovely! it's lovely! It's so damn fucking lovely to be addictively addicted to "me"!
Did you know that i hate having a mind which is why i don't mind numbing mine?
Did you know the struggle the terrible struggle between me and "me" who isn't even me?
Did you realize that this is the way i think it has to be... the dark cave i have to creep through... just to be away from "me" who isn't even me?
Did you do anything to stop my feelings? Did it work? Did caving in help me give in? Did it hurt? to feel so numb... To think that you're so fucked you're already done...
Did you love? the way it is... how simple it is... how quiet it is... how loud it is.... how down it is... Did you love it or is this illusion? Are you in delusion...?
But no, no, no, it's so damn wonderful! fuck it and go under! fuck it and go under! the water's not too deep you probably won't even sink... you think...?
And yes, yes, yes i need this not, i should stop, i can't flip flop i'm not cut out for a life like that, i need to take a moment to feel less trapped, help me...
oh well, it's so lovely a wondrous thing... thankfully i'm not wondering anymore if i need a wondrous thing to feel wonderfully.
It's not a wondrous thing when the only wondering is whether or not you're hurting yourself and the wonders you bring"
i didn't feel like i come from the background of addiction and could say too much about it from experience but i felt like i was able to capture at least some common ground i've experienced that others might be able to relate to.