Oh well. I'll try again tomorrow.

So I was a week clean off benzos, and about 3 weeks sober, and tonight I gave up and drank a bottle of wine after I got home from a friend's wedding. This is the longest I've been clean and sober in a very long time, and it felt good but also scary and overwhelming and .... hard. Not having mind and emotion-numbing substances in my life is a new one. And tonight I just blocked every potential consequence from mind and decided to drink. I didn't even want alcohol. But it was the only available drug. At least it's somewhat numbing. Oh the good old days when alcohol was all it took to sooth me.

The other night I went into my desk drawer to look for a credit card. This was a drawer I put needles and bags in. Before I knew it I was searching frantically through all the drawers around my apartment and under the couch where maaaaaaaaaaaaybe by some miracle (curse) I had left a bag (yeah right). Of course I found nothing, and I ended the night frustrated and upset with myself.

In theory I really want to get clean. In actuality, I want to be a crazy addict locked up in some facility because I don't think what I want will ever come and the pain is just too much to deal with. I'm fairly numb right now but I wait for the numbness to wane and then the bomb will drop. Then what?

And my bottle of wine is almost done. Now what?

 

Stop there, if you can (although it's much later now, so it may well be moot). I'm not good with weddings either, but this is just a slip up, a blip, not a relapse. Yet. Like your title suggests, just dust yourself off and keep going sober tomorrow. No need to beat yourself up over this, and there's also no need to use it as reason to give up sobriety altogether.

As far as the triggering stimuli goes, it's hard at first, especially when the triggers are in your home. They will fade in time, and I think that as long as you keep your wits about you when you 'snap to', and try to laugh it off rather than beat yourself up about it, you will have greater success in your sobriety.

So, how are things today so far?

 

scico,
can't say in know what your feeling rightnow, but can relate about slips. i'm a cronic relapser and thought that smoking spice would help all my problems and still work a 'honest' program.
You made it back, you arn't dead like so many others that ends up going out to have just 1 drink,1pill,1shot, 1etc.
You know what led to that drink.. what I was told in the program is I have an illness, i diesese(sp) that if I don't treat this then I'm going to die.
The phenomenon of craving leads to the obsession of wanting to do more, meaning if anyof us who want to be off the shit puts in anything then it will trigger that craving and want more and more. It's happened to me. when i think 1 beer will be okay, and next thing i like i'm chewing a straw loading my rig.
hang in there, it does get better! throw all that shit away (rigs,spoons etc)!!
Overdone knows more about NA then I do, he's helped me so much in my recovery, shoot him a PM, dave is the man to

 

Stop there, if you can (although it's much later now, so it may well be moot). I'm not good with weddings either, but this is just a slip up, a blip, not a relapse. Yet. Like your title suggests, just dust yourself off and keep going sober tomorrow. No need to beat yourself up over this, and there's also no need to use it as reason to give up sobriety altogether.

As far as the triggering stimuli goes, it's hard at first, especially when the triggers are in your home. They will fade in time, and I think that as long as you keep your wits about you when you 'snap to', and try to laugh it off rather than beat yourself up about it, you will have greater success in your sobriety.

So, how are things today so far?

Last night I was totally ready to just full force give up and say FUCK IT to everything. Today I got up, felt better, went to a NA meeting, and I'm ready to try again, just for today. I really need to stop projecting into the future (which is what causes me to panic), and just live in the moment and not pick up right this moment.

Sooooo in this moment, I'm "OK". My desire to use is still very strong, but I'm not feeling like getting clean and sober is pointless. I know it's the right thing to do for myself, it just sucks really bad right now and I have to work through the feelings instead of run away from them like I'm used to doing.

And I didn't do anything other than drink that bottle and fall asleep last night. So at least there's that.

 

scico,
can't say in know what your feeling rightnow, but can relate about slips. i'm a cronic relapser and thought that smoking spice would help all my problems and still work a 'honest' program.
You made it back, you arn't dead like so many others that ends up going out to have just 1 drink,1pill,1shot, 1etc.
You know what led to that drink.. what I was told in the program is I have an illness, i diesese(sp) that if I don't treat this then I'm going to die.
The phenomenon of craving leads to the obsession of wanting to do more, meaning if anyof us who want to be off the shit puts in anything then it will trigger that craving and want more and more. It's happened to me. when i think 1 beer will be okay, and next thing i like i'm chewing a straw loading my rig.
hang in there, it does get better! throw all that shit away (rigs,spoons etc)!!
Overdone knows more about NA then I do, he's helped me so much in my recovery, shoot him a PM, dave is the man to

Thanks for the words I just started NA, actually. I hadn't gone to a meeting in 2 days, and here I am second time in a week, at a wedding with alcohol all around me and my BFF telling me how her new guy is a heroin addict and that she doesn't think herion is that bad (she's never used it and has no experience with addicts). Meetings have been like a lifeboat for me the past 2 or 3 weeks (I can't even remember when I started going). I think not going for 2 days straight was the main reason I felt overwhelmed and ended up drinking - I hadn't had that support. And I'm waaaaaaaaay too new to be without meetings for 2 days and expect myself to be OK in the wrong place, around people who don't understand and aren't sober.