Oh fuck.

The past few weeks have been total shit.

I sold a bunch of my dead great-aunt's gold jewelry that has been sitting in my closet since she died in 2001. I'm sorry, Ida. Also sold some of my dead mom's stuff and my dad's stuff. I feel like a complete degenerate.

I got some rent paid and got high for a week or two.

I kept the important stuff so I don't feel like such a piece of shit. Wedding rings. My great-aunt's mezuzah necklace. I found a tiny Hebrew scroll in her jewelry box and I wish I read Hebrew. But I assume it's something important. Obviously. Maybe the Kaddish? I don't know... and I guess I will never know. I could probably ask a Rabbi but I feel so uncomfortable around synagogues. Like I don't belong. Odd Jew out. I'd like to discover more about my religion but I don't know if I have the courage...

The jewelry, I feel, is also kind of a posthumous gift because I really got myself into a fucking bind with my rent/eviction and even though they're sick/dead I know they'd help me out if they could... sigh.

Didn't get the job I interviewed for and my phone is off so I can't really apply for jobs right now. Just waiting for this month to be OVER. I feel so isolated in a city of 8million plus...

I feel like I failed my brother. But I guess that isn't true because he's doing better than ever. I guess I got depressed after I knew my brother was going to be okay. I was being strong for him but now I have to be strong for myself. I don't feel like I can do it.

Now it's me who needs the help and I don't know how to ask for it or even if I did ask, I don't know how to accept it.

 

been down that rabbit hole. It's not an easy one but I've been down that hole. I've sold my parents jewelry in order to score so I won't go through withdrawals. I've also stole blank checks from my parents and even though I knew they will catch me...I still wrote the check because it wasn't going to be that day. Take it as it comes is my only advice. Every day is a new day and the only one who can make a change is yourself. I know it sounds a little cheesy and cliche, but it's true. If you have time to blog about how you are feeling like a degenerate...you're in a better situation than 50% of the entire global population. Keep things in perspective but don't beat yourself up about it. good luck.

sincerely
baher

 

Thanks. You're right. It's a lot of self-obsessed navel-gazing type stuff. Apparently I write more when I'm sober. It kind of keeps the demons at bay.

 

I'm the complete opposite. I can only be productive when high. man, I know exactly what I need to do to get off this little binge i've been on but I had a seizure the last time I cut everything out cold turkey. It ruined my life for a good year or so...so I'm just in between a rock and a hard place.

 

If you're still interested in finding out what's on the scroll, and can scan it, I could take a stab at reading it. I can't promise you 100% that I'd get it--my Hebrew is beyond rusty--but I can promise you I'm no rabbi!

 

I actually figured out it's a mezuzah scroll from comparing the Hebrew to this, it's very similar to this one but the one I have is probably close to 100 years old by now, it belonged to my great aunt who was 80 when she died in 2001...

Thank you for the offer though! Still kind of trying to explore my Judaism/spirituality/whatever, I feel sad that my parents didn't really pass much in the way of tradition on to me and my brother...