AMUSING UPDATE: As last we left Mr John Burrows, he was about to crush and snort his very last Opana 40 ER, this time adjusting his technique as described by the highly esteemed Sir Nikolai.
As Burrows was filing away the outer coating with a nail file, he must have been using a little too much fast-action in his filing as the pill suddenly (and without warning) split in two, and flew in the air - half of which landed right on top of a small, plastic catchy-thing over the mouth of the kitchen sink.
Now, when I say the pill split in half, I did so for ease of description - in actual fact, it split more like 70/30, with the larger half (of course) now precariously perched over the looming void of nothingness.
So there I was, staring at the majority of my last pill, positioned in such a way that I knew even the slightest touch would send it down into the abyss of the kitchen sink (and with it, all my hopes for a happy 4th of July).
I knew I couldn't just reach out and grab it - it was positioned partway down the gaping maw of the sink, stuck on a rubber catcher, so I couldn't fit my hand over it - no, this called for some creative thinking.
So, I went to the bathroom and grabbed a pair of tweezers. Usually reserved for picking lint out of my bellybutton, this delicate instrument would clearly be able to reach in and snap up my oh so pretty Opana - my little Opana Poly Anna, if you will. Poor Poly!
Of course, this would require a steady hand - something all junkies about to loose their last pill are known for. But still, all I had to do was reach in there and grab the pill with my tweezers, just making sure not to touch the pill before actually snatching it between the delicate tweezer jaws (I knew even a tiny bump would send the pill into oblivion).
Slowly I moved the tweezers towards the target, it's mouth wide open like a little robot gecko. Just a little closer and I could use my Jedi-like sense of timing to just grab the opana and be home free... Almost there...
BUMP!
Fuck. Well, at least my theory was borne out - one little bump WAS all it took to send my pill into the darkness below.
But wait, what's that? Do I see a little spec of white gleaning up from the abyss? I grabbed my lightsaber - er, flashlight - and saw it - my little Poly Opana sitting on one of the blades of the "in-sink-orator!"
My sink has one of those little masher-suckers designed to fight off would-be sink cloggers, of which small rotor blades are part of the device. Small, little blades of death which, quite ironically, had saved my precious opana from extinction! All I had to do now was reach down into the sink and grab up the pill.
Of course, it's dark in there and my huge, manly hand barely fits into the drain hole. Since the pill sat about 4 inches away from the opening, it was too far to use the tweezers, but perhaps something similar but longer... Like chopsticks! I grabbed a set from the kitchen drawer of stuff i never use but keep because i hate throwing away free stuff (tm) and, flashlight in my mouth, made an attempt to extract the opana fragment from behind enemy lines.
Of course, the word "attempt" generally signifies an impending failure, and if, dear reader, your intuition regarding the generally sad and pathetic nature of this story led you to assume I was unsuccessful in my extraction, you would not be wrong.
I mean let's face it, I'm just an average white man when it comes to chopsticks. Hell, i even use a fork to eat sushi, so really the odds that I was ever going to rescue a precariously perched pill with a pair of ancient wooden sitcks were about as good a room full of Blue Lighters all passing a random drug test.
So, to recap, approx 30mg of opana ER - my last in the world - had fallen off the rotor blade and onto the metal gate that the whole smashing assembly is attached to. Sort of like a "floor" to the sink. This was good news, since it meant the pill (what was left of it, anyway) was not in danger of falling away into the infinite blackness.
The bad news was that this "floor" of the sink is where the sludge and residue of a thousand mashed up and "inSINKerrated" bits of food now lay. Covering the convenient metal drop tray my pill now rested on was a thick layer of brown sludge. Organic, smelly, slimy and disgusting brown sludge (really, is there any other kind?). Of course, by it's very nature, sluge is extremely moist... and we all know what happens when you get an Opana ER pill wet (especially one that's had it's protective coating stripped off) - it turns to sludge!
So my pill, my precious Pollyana Opana (or, for you old school SNL fans, Rosanna Opana-Danna), was now resting on a bed of unmentionably disgusting wet sludge, slowly dissolving into a mess of its own, brand new disgusting sludge, and I was attempting to rescue it so I could shove it up my nose.
The time for delicate rescue was over - in fact time itself was now my greatest enemy, since with every tick of the clock, more and more of the pill was dissolving into the sink-sludge, with less and less of it destined for my brain!
I shoved my hand down the drain. It barely fit and completely blocked my view, which meant I had to "feel around" for a tiny, goo-producing pill in a sea of food-sewage made up of everything from last night's pork fried rice to last year's Thanksgiving turkey. All I could do was scoop up some sludge, check it for a tiny piece of slightly lighter colored sludge and keep going.
I couldn't help but think of the scene from "Trainspotting" where Ewan Mcgreggor goes hand-fishing in the "worst toilet in Scotland" for the last of his dose. I remembered that fine day, laughing along with the rest of the audience, smug in the comforting knowledge that what i was witnessing on screen could never, ever possibly happen to me!
Ah hah, success! My hand finally surfaced with my prize - a small piece of off-white goo that looked less like something I wanted to shove inside my nose and more like something that generally came OUT of someone's nose.
But what to do? I wasn't going to let my very last fragment of Opana ER go to waste - I rescued what was easily still 20mg worth. But it was caked with so much goo I couldn't bare the thought of snorting it.
So I plugged it.
Just like Ewan Mcgreggor did
