So by 5 a.m. I was sitting in the chair at the desk, my buddy was hanging up a few last frames on the wall, and there was some ridiculously fabulous jazz music playing thanks to the CD I had forgotten I owned. Louis Armstrong and his orchestra if you must know, a live show with Bing Crosby singing along the way here and there.
The three of us had been in that office all night (and most of that day for the two of them), assembling and drilling and organizing to get everything just so for Monday morning business. She went home to shower and go to work, I followed him back to his house to play on the computer and spend a day with television; he returned to the new, put-together, much-cleaner-than-it-was-when-we-started space in the building where he works at doing what he loves. Those two are the driven ones today, I'll satisfy my need to be productive with errands and perhaps a cup of coffee in the next hour.
I've spent so much time thinking lately, and for a good block of time now those thoughts have been much less a chore and more of a pet project. Starting to be fun again, fashioning this life of mine in any way that I see fit. So many good friends have put up with so much of me over the months, as I figured out and worried over and questioned repeatedly... and today as I look out the window at the sunshine, and hear some kids playing in the neighborhood, I realize that all the sense of change that I'm carrying? Their love and support and respect didn't change, and how cool is that.
Cause last night in a new office, with tools and cigarette breaks, two of those people listened to me go on and on (and on and on) about decisions I've been making. Let me ramble about plans that I'm not terrified of admitting to anymore, gave me advice - really good advice too - when I got stumped, and smiled at the end of it all and went about their days. Now I'm typing it all out, not the epiphanies and decisions, those are important but not nearly on the level last night was. Last night was a justification of my faith in humanity, which just might be the best place for all those emotions I used to diligently carry to church.
I can't sit through a sunday sermon and believe it unerringly anymore. But I can sure as hell guarantee the world that two people in an office building heard me make a lot of plans last night, and a lot of promises to myself. Now I've gone and done it. Because maybe in a few months on a really bad day I could throw up my hands and set myself down, but not when I've let them in on who I want to be. So I'll make good on it all, as best I can, and the next time I look at a person that I care about and admire, the knowledge will be there that I gave them no less than the best of myself. No less than exactly who I wanted to be, for me, for them, for now.
Thanks for letting me ramble on a few moments more, bluelight.
The three of us had been in that office all night (and most of that day for the two of them), assembling and drilling and organizing to get everything just so for Monday morning business. She went home to shower and go to work, I followed him back to his house to play on the computer and spend a day with television; he returned to the new, put-together, much-cleaner-than-it-was-when-we-started space in the building where he works at doing what he loves. Those two are the driven ones today, I'll satisfy my need to be productive with errands and perhaps a cup of coffee in the next hour.
I've spent so much time thinking lately, and for a good block of time now those thoughts have been much less a chore and more of a pet project. Starting to be fun again, fashioning this life of mine in any way that I see fit. So many good friends have put up with so much of me over the months, as I figured out and worried over and questioned repeatedly... and today as I look out the window at the sunshine, and hear some kids playing in the neighborhood, I realize that all the sense of change that I'm carrying? Their love and support and respect didn't change, and how cool is that.
Cause last night in a new office, with tools and cigarette breaks, two of those people listened to me go on and on (and on and on) about decisions I've been making. Let me ramble about plans that I'm not terrified of admitting to anymore, gave me advice - really good advice too - when I got stumped, and smiled at the end of it all and went about their days. Now I'm typing it all out, not the epiphanies and decisions, those are important but not nearly on the level last night was. Last night was a justification of my faith in humanity, which just might be the best place for all those emotions I used to diligently carry to church.
I can't sit through a sunday sermon and believe it unerringly anymore. But I can sure as hell guarantee the world that two people in an office building heard me make a lot of plans last night, and a lot of promises to myself. Now I've gone and done it. Because maybe in a few months on a really bad day I could throw up my hands and set myself down, but not when I've let them in on who I want to be. So I'll make good on it all, as best I can, and the next time I look at a person that I care about and admire, the knowledge will be there that I gave them no less than the best of myself. No less than exactly who I wanted to be, for me, for them, for now.
Thanks for letting me ramble on a few moments more, bluelight.
