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molly139

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 25, 2010
Messages
18
Hi all,

i am currently prescribed fentanyl 50mcgs, three days at a time. Can anyone tell me if I were to place 5 50's on at a time that I would od?

Thanks.
 
Are your intentions to just get sky high or to stop your heart and kill yourself? I wasn't quite clear about that.

If you actually take them as 3 seperate doses as prescribed then you are basically asking if a 500% increase of your normal fentanyl dose would kill you. And that honestly depends on too many factors for anyone to predict. If it was a less powerful opiate like oxies I'd say it likely would not, but fentanyl is not an opiate to be juggling doses up and down like that. Nor do I feel all to comfortable giving dosing information to someone who may possibly be suicidal. So it might help if you clear up some things first.
 
Yeah, I agree. What's up molly? If you're not comfortable talking in public, you can send a Private Message to one of the mods here; we're all about trying to help people here.
 
Hi all,

I would like to goto sleep, and stay that way... nodding off from Fent may just be the most peaceful way to go...

I see no reason to continue on... Believe me, I've tried, look at my prior posts... Almost a year ago, same place, although this time seems to be much worse....

Sorry to bother you all... Peace...
 
You're not bothering anybody molly. Is there something in particular that happened over the last year that brought you to the same place, or have you been feeling depressed the whole time? Are you speaking to anybody about what is going on right now?
 
molly139 said:
Hi all,

I would like to goto sleep, and stay that way... nodding off from Fent may just be the most peaceful way to go...

I see no reason to continue on... Believe me, I've tried, look at my prior posts... Almost a year ago, same place, although this time seems to be much worse....

Sorry to bother you all... Peace...
Click to expand...

Molly,
I haven't posted since switching to 'done from H around 2009, but your post is such a preventable tragedy waiting to happen that I couldn't say nothing after reading it. I know you've heard all the aphorisms about 'a permanent solution to a temporary problem', and the reason that sounds like BS to most people in your position is that often it doesn't feel like a temporary problem.. That, for lack of a more succinct way of phrasing it, is your brain fucking with you. Humans have an amazing ability to persevere (often even when we feel like we don't, or don't want to).

I won't pretend to know exactly what's going on right now that's stressing you to this point, so I'll spare you any "This too shall pass"isms. Instead, I'll relate my experience:
I went through a period in life when I was adamantly suicidal. I didn't even have a specific reason, I just felt like all the effort was pointless (classic Major Depressive Disorder, I know) - I felt, on a very basic philosophical level, that it just wasn't "worth it". I was of the mindset that we all spend such a short amount of time on Earth anyway (and my brain is hard wired in such a way that I simply cannot believe in any sort of consciousness/existence/life after death), that to me, it was like "Why put the effort in?".

I couldn't even tell you what changed, or when, but if you give it the chance (and aren't afraid to ask for help - posting your true intentions here is a great sign, to start with), it's likely that days, months, or even years from now you'll look back and thank yourself for the time - even if some (or most) of it was spent struggling. For me, my own rationale turned against me: "We spend so little time here to begin with - why intentionally cut it short? In the scheme of things, I'll be gone in the blink of an eye anyway - let's see what I can see of the world before that happens." In short, the mindset that caused my suicidal thoughts also ended them. I can't say whether it will happen exactly this way for you, but I can say that the rest of your life will be filled with tiny little moments that, as a whole, make up a world worth sticking around to see. In the darkest moments, which it sounds like you're already familiar with, those times won't seem like enough. In the brightest moments - and these are as inevitable as the dark ones, even for depressives - it will strike you that being born in the time and place you were put you right in the middle of one of the most scientifically advanced, fascinating eras in human history. Out of the trillions of tiny rocks floating around space, you happen to exist here and now. Sometimes it feels like a blessing, sometimes a curse, but as David Foster Wallace brilliantly (and life-changingly, for me at least) said to a graduating class at Kenyon College: "This is water" (context in link). Ironic, I know, using the words of a man who ended up taking his own life to encourage someone to the contrary, but in his 46 years, he changed more lives than 99% of people can hope to reach in twice that amount of time, and hence made his abbreviated life as valuable and irreplaceable as anyone can hope to have their time on Earth be.

I'm genuinely sorry you're going through this at the moment. Just remember, all life is is a series of moments. Philosophers have argued that there is no "now", since by the time our brains have processed signals and sorted them into something we can comprehend, it's already in our short-term memory, and a new "now" is being processed. The "now" you're experiencing right now is miserable - not knowing you, I have no idea what the catalyst for this feeling is (and feel free to contact me at skabbo AT gmail.com for any reason) but even if it has been going on for years, it is no guarantee it will continue this way. When enough "Nows" have changed to "thens", you may feel totally different - our personalities continue developing until the day we die (with the tragic exception of brain damage and Alzheimer's patients), and through pain, loss, tears, love, laughter, a sense of cynicism and a sense of wonder, you will, during at least one of the "nows-to-come", be ok, if not happy, with the fact that you're here to experience them.

I apologize for the length of this, but I've been going through a stressful time as well, and thinking about these things a lot, so your post hit me at just the right time to really stimulate the empathetic side that we all possess. I've intentionally avoided the tired (but true) cliche that suicide hurts those who care about you far more than it does yourself, because I know that guilt doesn't help anything. That being said, I don't know you at all - didn't even know your screen name when I woke up this morning, yet it would matter to me if you were to end your own life. To me, that kind of instinctual human connection is one of the things worth sticking around for. You'll find your own, in time.

I mean it when I say to contact me any time if you feel like talking to someone. I'm not a professional, just a fellow human who happens to be alive during the same little sliver of time that you are (and on the same forum, no less). Continue reaching out, and the number of understanding, caring strangers you come across will amaze you, and maybe even convince you that our little blip of an existence is worth seeing to its natural end.

Thanks for reading this far, and more importantly, thanks for posting.
 
Molly, am sorry things are at such a low for you atm hun.:(

People do get better and there is no set, time frame... this must be a really difficult time and it can be so easy to lose hope but feelings do pass. Feeling that there is 'no good reason' not worth it doesnt always reflect the truth of the matter Molly.
We can always get stronger getting through these times, even though it doesnt feel like it at the time. Really dont want you giving up on yourself, there are so many possibilities that you could be denying yourself just by giving in to the way your feeling/reasoning at the moment. <3

Why dont you tell us a bit more about why you feel this way...and what 'reasons' you are talking about?

Please pm me if you want...? <3
 
How can you be suicidal while wearing a fentanyl patch, this i don't get. I get suicidal thoughts quite often, but if i have my DOC or especially am high on it, then suicide doesnt even cross my mind cus i dont wanna waste my wonderful high.

I guess my point being im always suicidal when i don't have my DOC and life seems shitty, but if im loaded why in the world would i be suicidal?

Sorry about that, you must have some real serious depression if Fentanyl doesnt make you wanna live....maybe you should seek profesional help

<It is actually illegal to assist someone with the act of suicide, not to mention that this is a Harm Reduction website, so please be a bit more thoughtful of that and do not ever post information regarding effective ways to commit suicide. Thank you - n3o>

Although i would not recommend that since suicide is stupid and really shouldnt ever be considered an option except in the most dire of circumstances
 
Last edited by a moderator:
skabbo-- That was a brilliant post. Thank you for that!

molly-- I can't add much to what skabbo said, other than to say that I'm living proof that someone can come back from the edge and find happiness in life. I won't go into detail publicly, but I've actually taken action on more than one occasion to attempt your solution. Luckily, the first time I didn't know what I was doing, and the other times I was found in time.

I'm with Aescipius: we'd all like to hear why you feel this way, I think. Again, you don't need to go into it publicly, but you can only send private messages to moderators until you hit Bluelighter status.

There's no rush: life is long, there is time to heal all ills.
 
Hi all,

Just don't feel like going on with life as I don't see the point... I have no kids, no significant other, just responsibilities that I don't care for.. I don't have any happiness, nothing to look forward to, just don't feel like going any further...
The only thing really keeping at bay for the moment, is the thought of what my parents would feel. I do care for them and would hate to hurt them which I realize going forward would certainly do.
I hate this feeling(s) and really am struggling..
To the post that cant understand why one would want to leave this world while high fentanyl, I'm happy you don't understand.
I'm not high, I'm in quite a bit of pain due to back problems and I'm tired of the pain, having to see so many damn doctors, bills upon bills... Not fun... Hopefully you will never have to experience this and can stay high like you say.

Thank you to the moderators for touching base and taking the time to write... Skaboo, thank you very much.
 
Are there any friends or family members that you have to speak to? Or have you considered some sort of therapy to give you a chance to express yourself?

It's amazing how therapeutic talking can be even if there's no answer provided for you. Just the experience of having somebody listen in itself can be very healing.
 
Molly, i too am proof that someone who came back from a similarly dark place. i too felt like i had nothing to live for- no significant other, no job, no money, no hope, no friends, questionable health, constant relapsing, felt like a burden to everyone, bc i have been such an irresponsible, unreliable loser that my parents treat me like im totally incapable. I struggled with quitting opiates seriously since 2008 and until Jan of this year found myself at a worse place than before.

I continued to live despite these shitty persistent feelings of failure. I didnt attempt suicide bc i cant seem to die considering the few horrendous od's and accidents where i should have died. Even my parents said they wanted me to die bc they were so fed up w me. Anyway, once I became so desperate, I found and tried a cure I had heard about -- dissociatives, nmda antagonists like 4meo PCP and methoxetamine and ketamine. Those things saved my life. Did u read the ketamine as an antidepressant thread posted in the dark side recently? I really believe that ketamine helped repair my brain, considering I had used opiates for a solid 8 years. I now feel ok most days and can exercise.

I didnt mean to go on and on about myself, but i hope my story gives u some hope and u view me as a credible match/analogy to ur current view of why life sucks. u can always pm me if u wanna talk.
 
Ill tell y'all this.... I never real experienced suicidal ideation, until I got hit with the chronic back pain beast.

Ive lived through some very shit times, in very low places..... but until chronic pain hits us, we can pretty much drag ourselves through anything.

Being alone doesnt help......... but as far as this subject goes, here, you're not... :)
 
Hi Molly,

I just stumbled upon your posts, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I lost a baby almost a year ago, and this has been the hardest time of my life. I also am currently, well rather just came off of fentanyl, and a ton of opiates. I have been dependant to opiates and have had chronic pain issues for 4 yrs now. First off, I would rely like to know if you are still around. Please at least respond if you get this so I know one way or another. I would really like to talk if your up for it. 34y old female from the U.S. I really hope and pray things are better for you. Melissa
 
Ixchellian said:
Ill tell y'all this.... I never real experienced suicidal ideation, until I got hit with the chronic back pain beast.

Ive lived through some very shit times, in very low places..... but until chronic pain hits us, we can pretty much drag ourselves through anything.

Being alone doesnt help......... but as far as this subject goes, here, you're not... :)
Click to expand...

This is the truth.

Hope you feel better molly.

Chris
 
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