OctSOBER - Getting/Staying Clean Thread

[Lustmord]

19 almost 20 days sober, yet I broke down today and hurt/cut myself, just like I did before I started drinking and doing drugs. Fuck me, it seems I haven't grown a bit in 5 years.

 

[MrSquizz]

Congrats man, that's literally 1 month away from a year. You certainly have some street cred. there . Thanks for offering support It means a lot.

Yep. 11 months today. And it's been two + months off cigarettes. I mean, I still take Advil and that sort of thing, but 11 months off all street drugs, alcohol, and non-prescribed medication.

And I've done just about everything there is to do, so if you guys want to know anything, just ask. Thanks.

-Matt

 

[caseface99]

Yep. 11 months today. And it's been two + months off cigarettes. I mean, I still take Advil and that sort of thing, but 11 months off all street drugs, alcohol, and non-prescribed medication.

And I've done just about everything there is to do, so if you guys want to know anything, just ask. Thanks.

-Matt

Welcome to Bluelight and thanks for offering to share your experiences! It's always nice for there to be someone around with some strong sobriety. I'm sure if you keep readin this section of the site you will find plenty of people to help.

19 almost 20 days sober, yet I broke down today and hurt/cut myself, just like I did before I started drinking and doing drugs. Fuck me, it seems I haven't grown a bit in 5 years.

Don't be so hard on yourself about it! I'm certain you've grown in many aspects the last 5 years. Don't let this get you down too much Lust. Have you relapsed on substances or just the old behavior?

Stay strong everybody!


164.

 

[Lustmord]

Don't be so hard on yourself about it! I'm certain you've grown in many aspects the last 5 years. Don't let this get you down too much Lust. Have you relapsed on substances or just the old behavior?

Stay strong everybody!


164.

Congrats on 164! It was just the behavior. I have been feeling strangely emotional lately.. depressed, crying at crap on TV, etc. I was like this before I started doing drugs, but hopefully it won't last and it's just my body getting itself back into balance.

Today is day 21 for me.

 

[neversickanymore]

Way to hang in there Lust.. have you ever tried to identify and deal with the root of the emotions that cause you to self harm and use?

 

[Lustmord]

Way to hang in there Lust.. have you ever tried to identify and deal with the root of the emotions that cause you to self harm and use?

I think so, yea. My mom and dad divorced when I was too little to remember, and when I was 7 my mom took me here to America and away from the rest of my family (I am original from Germany) because she was marrying my then stepdad, who turned out to be an abusive asshole to us for a good 6-7 years.

I remember having my first anxiety attack when I was about 11, but my depression didn't start until high school. I started cutting around 18. While I drank and smoked, especially more so once college started, I didn't "slip" until my best friend since the third grade overdosed on morphine and died when I was 21. We were a troubled bunch, one of her good friends had died a few years earlier in a car accident and that had taken a lot out of her. Anyways, that's when the opiates, benzos, and other nasty stuff started.

I do a lot of thinking, and I've identified most of my problems. I just have a real shitty time trying to deal with them.

 

[motherofearth]

Here we go again: Day 1. UGH

 

[neversickanymore]

Im sorry to hear those things Lustmord Are you in a position to be able to seek counseling by someone good who may be able to help you to learn ways of dealing with them in an effort to find relief from your pain. abusive people suck bad and I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but we have to learn how to forgive them as the forgiveness is for us and not those assholes.. I have had allot of friends die from addiction and I take that pain and transform it into motivation for me to be one of the ones that get out, I love almost all the people that have died from this in my life, sometimes I think that a few of them may be cheering me on in this struggle.. whether or not its true it helps me allot with their deaths and helps me find inspiration at other times.

Also after having two NDE and one of them being really long and clear I know without a doubt that this life is neither the first nor it is the last, I know without a doubt that we all bet out in perfect shape and all the people i love and have loved are still around and are doing just grand.. after this experience I realize that life is like the most amazing ride ever and its good to look at it like a rollercoaster, sometimes its terrifying, some times its absolutely amazing, sometimes it the hardest thing imaginable.. but if we all get out of it absolutely fine at the end.. its kinda like a roller coaster because at the end of the ride we all slide right in perfect shape no matter how we have been jostled and thrown around and scared half to death. everyone slides into the end of the ride doing just great and then its off to a completely different life in another part of the universe.. Its been going on forever and most likely never ends


Have you been getting any exercise to try and burn off some of the power of those emotions.. another way that is available to take with and deal with some of the emotions is the steps.. a good counselor that works with addicts is another great idea. Most likely the biggest problem we face in early recovery is that we have piles and piles of situations we have never dealt with.. everything with an emotion indicates something the conscious mind is supposed to figure out, when we figure it out we get a little shot of dopamine and it is logged as solved.. trouble is we logged a whole bunch of unsolved problems as solved through the abuse of drugs and they are all still there. This huge amount of unsolved problems combined with the crazy strengthen our emotional response comes out with.. most likely because the brain likes homeostasis and when we hid from our emotions with the substance use the unconscious wasn't so happy so it wrapped up the power of its emotional response to try and make it powerful enough to get through the drugs, and finally combine that with all the development we didn't get when using mixes to form a really uncomfortable situation that is really really hard to endure.

To facilitate the most peaceful and successful recovery until the emotional response ramps back down we need to identify and heal from all the problems we logged as solved, limit the emotional response in anyway we can, and search for identify and develop all the legitimate coping techniques we missed because of use. Addiction is really an amazingly complex thing.. you can do it though.. have you come up with the start of a recovery plan that will allow you to live in grater peace?

 

[Just A Guy]

You guys make me

Keep it up, Pick it up, keep on keeping on...

 

[Lustmord]

Im sorry to hear those things Lustmord Are you in a position to be able to seek counseling by someone good who may be able to help you to learn ways of dealing with them in an effort to find relief from your pain. abusive people suck bad and I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but we have to learn how to forgive them as the forgiveness is for us and not those assholes.. I have had allot of friends die from addiction and I take that pain and transform it into motivation for me to be one of the ones that get out, I love almost all the people that have died from this in my life, sometimes I think that a few of them may be cheering me on in this struggle.. whether or not its true it helps me allot with their deaths and helps me find inspiration at other times.

Also after having two NDE and one of them being really long and clear I know without a doubt that this life is neither the first nor it is the last, I know without a doubt that we all bet out in perfect shape and all the people i love and have loved are still around and are doing just grand.. after this experience I realize that life is like the most amazing ride ever and its good to look at it like a rollercoaster, sometimes its terrifying, some times its absolutely amazing, sometimes it the hardest thing imaginable.. but if we all get out of it absolutely fine at the end.. its kinda like a roller coaster because at the end of the ride we all slide right in perfect shape no matter how we have been jostled and thrown around and scared half to death. everyone slides into the end of the ride doing just great and then its off to a completely different life in another part of the universe.. Its been going on forever and most likely never ends


Have you been getting any exercise to try and burn off some of the power of those emotions.. another way that is available to take with and deal with some of the emotions is the steps.. a good counselor that works with addicts is another great idea. Most likely the biggest problem we face in early recovery is that we have piles and piles of situations we have never dealt with.. everything with an emotion indicates something the conscious mind is supposed to figure out, when we figure it out we get a little shot of dopamine and it is logged as solved.. trouble is we logged a whole bunch of unsolved problems as solved through the abuse of drugs and they are all still there. This huge amount of unsolved problems combined with the crazy strengthen our emotional response comes out with.. most likely because the brain likes homeostasis and when we hid from our emotions with the substance use the unconscious wasn't so happy so it wrapped up the power of its emotional response to try and make it powerful enough to get through the drugs, and finally combine that with all the development we didn't get when using mixes to form a really uncomfortable situation that is really really hard to endure.

To facilitate the most peaceful and successful recovery until the emotional response ramps back down we need to identify and heal from all the problems we logged as solved, limit the emotional response in anyway we can, and search for identify and develop all the legitimate coping techniques we missed because of use. Addiction is really an amazingly complex thing.. you can do it though.. have you come up with the start of a recovery plan that will allow you to live in grater peace?

Right now the plan is to stay sober, find a job, continue school, and exercise a lot. I switched to e-cigs instead of regular cigs, and have been watching my diet to keep it healthy. I've tried many times to go to counselors and psychs, and despite many tears and catharses I still am the way I am. The seemingly scripted questions just don't work for me, although talking about my problems seems to grant me some relief. So, I try to open up to people that I love whenever I can and when it's appropriate.

I'm tired of going on medications and SSRIs, they don't help me.

 

[Just A Guy]

Right now the plan is to stay sober, find a job, continue school, and exercise a lot. I switched to e-cigs instead of regular cigs, and have been watching my diet to keep it healthy. I've tried many times to go to counselors and psychs, and despite many tears and catharses I still am the way I am. The seemingly scripted questions just don't work for me, although talking about my problems seems to grant me some relief. So, I try to open up to people that I love whenever I can and when it's appropriate.

I'm tired of going on medications and SSRIs, they don't help me.

Where's the fast-forward button, to get through the toughest parts, right? Quitting this time around has been easier than the first time, (methamphetamine) -- but the first time took months and months, it seemed, of always being aware that I wasn't quite as happy as I used to be, wasn't quite as funny, that the joie d'vivre had gone. My fiance helped through those times, and I lived pretty selflessly for a while, and that helped. It used to be that all I had to do

NSFW:

I had a trigger alert here... typed it all out...realized it wasn't even worth keeping on the page. Actually had me craving the old stuff for a second.

but all of that stopped one day, and I started feeling like my good self again. And THAT is why you've got to stay on track. Because getting your old self back is getting back your natural-born joy of life back. I'd forgotten what it was...until I had it back. (and was killing it again with my six-month relapse on other chems this year.)

Anyway, good luck, bromy.

 

[neversickanymore]

Nice work everyone%)

 

[stardust.hero]

Missed yesterday, today is Day 67 . Lots of cleaning. Keeping busy has been quite motivating this week !

Keep it going strong guiz!

 

[munki]

Day 68. Having a lot of cravings today, and woke up feeling like if I was still drinking that this would be a drinking-all-day-kinda-day. Bleh. Feeling a little bit better, but definitely having a bit of grumpiness about it all. Didn't go out last night because of the cravings (and also that nothing seemed that exciting). Going out dancing tonight and we shall see how that goes. I know I will be okay as soon as I get moving.

 

[caseface99]

Still sober. Still awake at 3am. Still frustrated about different aspects of my personal life.

Same shit, different day. Most importantly however, I'm sober.

 

[stardust.hero]

Day 68

 

[Lustmord]

23 for is the number for me.

 

[neversickanymore]

Crap I'm triggered.. I was talking about literature with another BL and I got to thinking how I used to use opiates and a little speed and read around the clock and actually how much I liked it.. motherfucker Im going to think through this and bring out the wider picture of how awful it is.. fukin worst thing in the world.. I think I have this this but I felt it was good to say something.. fkn christe... how fuckin anoying.

 

[ad lib]

Crap I'm triggered.. I was talking about literature with another BL and I got to thinking how I used to use opiates and a little speed and read around the clock and actually how much I liked it.. motherfucker Im going to think through this and bring out the wider picture of how awful it is.. fukin worst thing in the world.. I think I have this this but I felt it was good to say something.. fkn christe... how fuckin anoying.

You're strong, I know you can get through this.

Opiates are shit. I had to give someone Narcan at work the other day and it was not pretty. There's nothing glamorous about opiates...especially withdrawal...fuck that... You'll get through it

 

[neversickanymore]

Thanks ADDY .. I was able to get through it and shut it down.. just had to think honestly about how much it really sucked most of the time.. still sucked.. but im good.